NC question and short update

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone,

A NC question: me and my ex are part of the same mountaineering club (it has +/- 200 active members). This club and mountaineering/climbing are a huge part of my life. Almost all my friends are club members, I've been a board member and I still organize many activities through the club. The ex has been a member only for two years now and visits only occasionally. During normal weekdays I avoid the days that I know she is there, which means I only accidentally run into her like once every two months. However; we organize weekend climbing trips and irony has it that we have both signed up for the same 4-day-trip... We'll go with approx. 14 people, most of which are good friends of mine. I am thinking if I should cancel or not. I have already cancelled some summer mountaineering plans and instead will probably go hiking on my own for a couple of weeks because I don't want to worry if she might be at the campsite or not.

My dilemma is that I truly don't want to give up the club/mountaineering. Especially because for her it is an occasional thing and for me it's kind of a central part of my life/my friends. If we are there together it sorta feels like she is an unwanted guest in my house. That sounds kinda stupid maybe, but that's how it feels - because I'm surrounded by people that have my back. However it sometimes gives me anxiety when she's there (esp. if she's with the new supply who is from a mountaineering club from a neighbouring city - atm I'm not sure if they're still together). I sort of hope/expect her to eventually move cities for her studies and then leave the club altogether in a few years.

Do people have experience with this sort of thing? (maybe with work or children that make you face the ex once every while)? Can you still fully heal if you see them now and again but just don't talk/keep talk to a bare minimum?

A short update about how I'm feeling: the last couple of weeks I had some good progress in therapy with resolving hurt about the passing of my dad. I think overall there is actually some progress in how I feel when I look at my diary from the last couple months, but with ups and downs. I do recognize feeling more down when I hear comments about my ex/run into her, but I 'recover' from these incidents ever more quickly - although I keep ''forgetting'' this when I'm in the middle of it; often viewing it as a major relapse.
One more thing I wanted to share is that a girl that is pretty cute asked me out. Not sure if I should go or not.

Thanks for reading. Have a very nice day

[Formanian]

Hey everyone,

A NC question: me and my ex are part of the same mountaineering club (it has +/- 200 active members). This club and mountaineering/climbing are a huge part of my life. Almost all my friends are club members, I've been a board member and I still organize many activities through the club. The ex has been a member only for two years now and visits only occasionally. During normal weekdays I avoid the days that I know she is there, which means I only accidentally run into her like once every two months. However; we organize weekend climbing trips and irony has it that we have both signed up for the same 4-day-trip... We'll go with approx. 14 people, most of which are good friends of mine. I am thinking if I should cancel or not. I have already cancelled some summer mountaineering plans and instead will probably go hiking on my own for a couple of weeks because I don't want to worry if she might be at the campsite or not.

My dilemma is that I truly don't want to give up the club/mountaineering. Especially because for her it is an occasional thing and for me it's kind of a central part of my life/my friends. If we are there together it sorta feels like she is an unwanted guest in my house. That sounds kinda stupid maybe, but that's how it feels - because I'm surrounded by people that have my back. However it sometimes gives me anxiety when she's there (esp. if she's with the new supply who is from a mountaineering club from a neighbouring city - atm I'm not sure if they're still together). I sort of hope/expect her to eventually move cities for her studies and then leave the club altogether in a few years.

Do people have experience with this sort of thing? (maybe with work or children that make you face the ex once every while)? Can you still fully heal if you see them now and again but just don't talk/keep talk to a bare minimum?

A short update about how I'm feeling: the last couple of weeks I had some good progress in therapy with resolving hurt about the passing of my dad. I think overall there is actually some progress in how I feel when I look at my diary from the last couple months, but with ups and downs. I do recognize feeling more down when I hear comments about my ex/run into her, but I 'recover' from these incidents ever more quickly - although I keep ''forgetting'' this when I'm in the middle of it; often viewing it as a major relapse.
One more thing I wanted to share is that a girl that is pretty cute asked me out. Not sure if I should go or not.

Thanks for reading. Have a very nice day

[Trynadeal]

I'd personally suggest not going this time around. You already mentioned you get anxiety when she's near, and would even more-so if she brought the replacement.

I don't think you need to cancel forever, and you can absolutely continue doing with the group that you love soon enough. But, for a little while it might be best to take a break from the club to clear your mind and detach more. You say she only goes occasionally as well? It seems weird she'd sign up for a longer camping type trip with people who are actually more your friends than hers. I think you should avoid that situation at all costs, personally.

You said you met a new girl too, if you think you're ready and have been making progress in therapy... go for it. If things go well, perhaps you could go for a local hike with this new girl during the weekend that trip is scheduled. Might be a cool date idea. Thoughts?

[Formanian]

I also think it's probably best to skip the upcoming trip. [To be clear, it is sort of normal that she signs up for one of these weekends (one of her friends is going), it's more that she isn't really involved in the regular social aspect of the club (regular members meet twice/three times a week for training/games/drinks etc. but she mostly just goes on one of the weekends and goes climbing in summer + goes training once every while). I do think in that regard there is no further malicious intent from her side (you register online for the weekends so she picked the same weekend on accident, seeing that she couldn't have known which weekend I signed up for beforehand). However, all that still doesn't mean it is a good idea to spend a four-day trip with her].

I did go on a date with the other girl. She is very sweet but I didn't really feel flirty. I kinda kept my distance. I just try to see it as some progress that I did go, even though I still didn't feel entirely comfortable. We will probably meet again but I can imagine it becoming more of a friend-thing for now. We'll see. Dating or a relationship don't feel high on my priority-list right now which is probably a good thing (had some codependency issues with the ex)

Thanks for responding and take care.