Feeling stuck- Need advice on how to proceed with partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am at a crossroads with a domestic partner, who has a likely diagnosis of BPD and displays a multitude of BPD traits. He is currently not recieving any type of counseling or support and denies that BPD is a possibility. We have been together for four years and very close friends for about ten. My time with him has been a learning experience but also a rollercoaster. I have built up a good amount of resilliance in dealing with his moods, blame games, gaslighting and personal attacks, but sometimes he also gets frustrated and physically violent. We saw a couples counselor last year, after a particularly frightening incident, but he refused at that time to go for counseling on his own. Recently, he had a week in which he seemed much more agitated than usual, which culminated in a total explosion of rage, during which he was screaming in my face to the point that his voice was breaking while physically preventing me from leaving the house, all while yelling about how crazy I was acting while I was trying to get away from him.  It was over an incredibly minor situation. (He threw a reciept on the floor of my car and I asked him to pick it up.) I got out of the house and was bombarded soon after with messages about my "unacceptable behavior" and how I had "ruined our day together" and how "insane" I was acting.  I was freaked out enough that I went to get resources from my local sheriffs department. I then went back the next day, got my stuff and went to stay at a friends house, where is messages then change tone to be about our "incredible love". Empty message after empty message.  He and I have since talked about the incident and past incidents at length and he has agreed to go to individual therapy. He has apologized, but keeps sending me written letters with more "explainations" regarding his behavior with what seems to be increasing blame of me all under the guise of trying to "understand". I'm feeling, that responding to each one, however calmly and locically, is a reactive approach.  Should I just tell him I'm not responding to any more of them?  I made it clear that I want him to take responsibility for his actions and that I will not accept justifications for aggressive behavior. I am (obviously) excessively tolerant of his behavior and not great at setting boundaries. I am certain that he needs to go to counseling for me to consider continuing the relationship and I would want for us to both go back to couples counseling, but I worry about the meantime, before he can get an appointment or find a counselor he is willing to work with, about what to do. I think moving out is likely best, but he has been much less reactive since I moved in 10 months ago, so I feel that may make things even worse.  I have stayed at our shared home the last few nights, but he is acting like everything is now fine, back to normal and I am still very shaken by the whole thing. I feel like being there, is possibly sending unclear messages. I'm wondering what boundaries others have set for themselves in these relationships. Being apart until he reaches a certain amount of time in therapy? Meeting milestones of some sort? We have a committed relationship and I obviously care about him tremendously, but need to ensure my own well-being. I'd like to hear the opinions and personal experience of others.

[SnapDragon11]

I am at a crossroads with a domestic partner, who has a likely diagnosis of BPD and displays a multitude of BPD traits. He is currently not recieving any type of counseling or support and denies that BPD is a possibility. We have been together for four years and very close friends for about ten. My time with him has been a learning experience but also a rollercoaster. I have built up a good amount of resilliance in dealing with his moods, blame games, gaslighting and personal attacks, but sometimes he also gets frustrated and physically violent. We saw a couples counselor last year, after a particularly frightening incident, but he refused at that time to go for counseling on his own. Recently, he had a week in which he seemed much more agitated than usual, which culminated in a total explosion of rage, during which he was screaming in my face to the point that his voice was breaking while physically preventing me from leaving the house, all while yelling about how crazy I was acting while I was trying to get away from him.  It was over an incredibly minor situation. (He threw a reciept on the floor of my car and I asked him to pick it up.) I got out of the house and was bombarded soon after with messages about my "unacceptable behavior" and how I had "ruined our day together" and how "insane" I was acting.  I was freaked out enough that I went to get resources from my local sheriffs department. I then went back the next day, got my stuff and went to stay at a friends house, where is messages then change tone to be about our "incredible love". Empty message after empty message.  He and I have since talked about the incident and past incidents at length and he has agreed to go to individual therapy. He has apologized, but keeps sending me written letters with more "explainations" regarding his behavior with what seems to be increasing blame of me all under the guise of trying to "understand". I'm feeling, that responding to each one, however calmly and locically, is a reactive approach.  Should I just tell him I'm not responding to any more of them?  I made it clear that I want him to take responsibility for his actions and that I will not accept justifications for aggressive behavior. I am (obviously) excessively tolerant of his behavior and not great at setting boundaries. I am certain that he needs to go to counseling for me to consider continuing the relationship and I would want for us to both go back to couples counseling, but I worry about the meantime, before he can get an appointment or find a counselor he is willing to work with, about what to do. I think moving out is likely best, but he has been much less reactive since I moved in 10 months ago, so I feel that may make things even worse.  I have stayed at our shared home the last few nights, but he is acting like everything is now fine, back to normal and I am still very shaken by the whole thing. I feel like being there, is possibly sending unclear messages. I'm wondering what boundaries others have set for themselves in these relationships. Being apart until he reaches a certain amount of time in therapy? Meeting milestones of some sort? We have a committed relationship and I obviously care about him tremendously, but need to ensure my own well-being. I'd like to hear the opinions and personal experience of others.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi Snapdragon (they were some of my favourite flowers in my grandma's garden  )
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and well done for being brave and reaching out for help.

Sometimes some distance from the pressure cooker can help to get perspective, I'm guessing that you don't have kids, so can you create some distance for yourself while things calm down and you have space to understand what's going on? Your description of the rage and being right in your face yelling makes me feel very uncomfortable for you, you must have been terrified? You need to ask yourself the honest question, are you safe in the situation with him?

Please look after yourself snapdragon, it's still early days in your relationship and you still have time to make the right choices with space and careful thought. The piece on this site about the Karpman triangle may also be insightful - keep in mind that sometimes one person can fulfil 2 of the roles in the triangle.

Give yourself grace and please put your safety and wellbeing first. xx

[Turkish]

Hi SnapDragon11,

Being apart until he reaches a certain amount of time in therapy? Meeting milestones of some sort? We have a committed relationship and I obviously care about him tremendously, but need to ensure my own well-being.

thewindinmyhair, is right that you need to look after yourself, and I'm glad that you've taken steps to do that, and we see that you care about him and are thinking of the future.

It sounds like you're safe right now, and it would be good to have a plan.  Additionally, it's good that you reached out to others and resources for support.  Take a look here:

Safety Plan: A safety plan is a detailed plan to exit the home in the event of an aggravated situation. It includes stashing some exit supplies and having multiple alternate places to go (friend, hotel, etc.)
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

The indecent with the receipt sounds like it came out of nowhere, and sounds like it was scary.  He's on best behavior now,  yet things can turn in such situations if the other partner feels like they might be abandoned. It gets especially tricky if one adds the emotional dysregulation of BPD which can be triggered by things that seem innocuous to us. 

I encourage you to have a plan, and we will support you here though this. I hope that he does get help. 

T.