What To Do When Every Argument Ends In Him Pushing?

[paperinkart]

Hey guys,

I’m so exhausted. I don’t know how to handle this anymore.

My partner with BPD got caught in a lie today. A little one, but I can’t tell you how many times I have asked him to cut it out with the lying. It was a fight but he eventually apologized. He said that he “hates that he lost my trust”...but then, he went on to say that “maybe it’s too late” and that he doesn’t want to earn my trust back and “maybe it’s time he bows out”.

What I can’t understand is why almost every fight ends with him apologizing (when he’s in the wrong of course), but then immediately making some statement about how he should leave.

I get that maybe he’s embarrassed, or feeling bad, or even using this as a tactic so that I’m not mad anymore, but how the hell am I supposed to react?

It’s exhausting. I feel like I need to put my feelings aside and then try to calm him down. This is usually followed by me trying not to rock the boat and saying something along the lines of “well, if you want to leave it is your choice, but I hope you take some time to think about it first. Don’t make this decision while you’re upset. I’ll give you some space to think about it and you can call me when you’re ready to talk”. Then we have a few days of silence and he calls and is very apologetic and never wants to actually leave.

I don’t know why we can’t just argue and move on like a normal couple! I don’t want to leave this up in the air and wait around to hear from him.

Can I do anything differently so it doesn’t always come to this after every argument?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Paperinkart, I know it can be frustrating to feel you are stuck in the same place. Indeed with time the constant uncertainty will wear one down.

Is your partner in therapy?

For me what I found a priority was to learn to recognize when dysregulation happens. It is stressful when what seems like a perfectly ordinary conversation goes awry, and so to spot the signs early really helps.
Using the relationship tools at that point can often calm the situation. A good place to start is here:
 https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

The threat of abandonment is at heart a request for reassurance. When it happens I talk firmly about our future, how happy we are going to be together and how important it is that we work our way through whatever the conflict is. I used to get very upset but have learnt that I should not take the threat too seriously, but to look for what motivates it. Since I started doing this we have not broken up. I joke with myself that if she ever was serious about breaking up she would find it impossible to do since I would just assume it was dysregulation and ignore it     

Once you have calmed the immediate situation, it may be worth while addressing the underlying issue. If he is lying it means he does not trust you or is afraid of you. BPD at heart is a disease of trust. I don't know what one can do about it other than be constant and consistently trustworthy, but in a calm moment it might be possible to   ask him what you can jointly do to build trust?   

Do check back in and let us know how it is going? Browsing other people's stories and conversing is also helpful, we are a community here to support one another.
hugs,
Khib

[paperinkart]

Hi Khib,

Your reply was so compassionate and understanding that it made me tear up. Thank you so much.

To answer your question, no he is not. He is in a very remote town for work right now where access to mental health care is very slim. But he also doesn’t see it as a priority. I asked him to seriously consider it when he returns next month and he just said he wouldn’t be able to afford it (somewhat true but if it was a priority, he could save up the money for it).

I completely agree with you about everything you said. I really do like to assume the threats of abandonment are him asking for reassurance. I am definitely going to apply your advice- it’s just sometimes hard to see it coming. Like you said, it’s almost offensive when a perfectly normal conversation ends with such a severe statement. I want to try your approach but am scared of more backlash.

Since changing my approach and my reactions with him to being more loving and compassionate, I am finding that things are certainly less severe (meaning the silence only lasts days instead of weeks) and we also haven’t broken up yet (*knock on wood*) but I am finding he is disregulating so much more frequently and we are having these conversations so much more often than I want. It just makes me feel hopeless.

I had a great chuckle when you said if they ever wanted to actually break up, you would ignore it and chalk it up to disregulating haha. I would completely do the same. I guess that’s where my fear lies- when do I know it’s real?

And lastly, in regards to the lying, we both know he does it out of fear. He is trying to protect himself or me from some truth. But in all honesty, the truth is never as scary or as hurtful as it is being lied to. And we ALWAYS get to the truth eventually, but the journey to get there is so painfully unnecessary. This is something we’ve discussed at length. He knows there is no reason to keep lying and yet can’t shake the fear and it continues on.

Thanks again for your warm reply. You have no idea how much I needed it.

[paperinkart]

Okay, so with your advice in mind, I just wrote a little note on my phone that I can literally just copy and paste the next time he threatens to leave or mentions leaving (when it’s due to disregulating):

“That is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is more important that we don’t give up and instead, continue working through conflicts to build a healthy and happier future.

Now, I am happy to give you some space so we can calm down. I am still here for you but if you’d like to talk about this again, we can do so when we are in  a more relaxed headspace.”

Do you think that would be helpful at all? I obviously don’t want to leave any room for him to continue arguing why he should go but don’t want to say anything unhelpful either. Some feedback on that would be really helpful!

[Harri]

Hi paperinkart!

I think what you wrote is beautiful and I would certainly try it.   Finding what works may take a few tries.  That is okay though.  What is really important to remember is not to lose yourself in  your efforts to help him.  I think your statement takes the both of you into account. 

[paperinkart]

Hi paperinkart!

I think what you wrote is beautiful and I would certainly try it.   Finding what works may take a few tries.  That is okay though.  What is really important to remember is not to lose yourself in  your efforts to help him.  I think your statement takes the both of you into account. 

Thanks so much!

He is really pulling out all the stops on this one. All of my kind and compassionate messages have either been met with silence, “I don’t know...” or the latest one I just got said “huh”

Lol so things aren’t much clearer today. I AM really trying hard to remember this is a cause of disregulating (at least...I hope so!) and not because of me but man. My patience is pretty thin. It’s just tough when it feels like I keep putting in 110% and not getting even half that back.

Anyway, enough venting for now. Thank you all again for your messages. I am hopeful that things will improve soon but we’ll see