Talk with (ex) partner didn't go well

[Sunflower123]

So tonight my (ex) partner came over because he wanted to know what my plan was to leave our apartment.  I knew it would not turn out well because his pupils were very dilated and he had this blank look on his face.. which is what happens when he's not acting himself.  He seemed very agitated.

  I explained to him that I have no place to go and I'm not sure what to do.  I calmly asked him if he has any ideas.  He flew into a complete rage (as I thought would happen).  He kept screaming that he hates me over and over.  He knocked over decorations on our table.  He demanded that I begin to pay him rent and immediately have a roommate move into our apartment.  He told me that he informed our housing association of our apartment that we split up and I need to sign a lease to pay him rent.

My partner supported me financially by his choice and knows I do not have money to pay him rent.  He said he's "sick of living like a hobo" (he's been staying on a friend's couch by his own choice even though he's welcome to stay in our apartment).

  I asked him why doesn't he just come back to the apartment.  He said he can't because he hates me.  He then told me he is going to report me to the immigration services that we are no longer together and have me deported.  My residency is dependent on him as my partner.  He then told me that when he looks at me he wants to kill me.  He then said, "never mind, I wouldn't kill you, I just want you to die". 

He didn't like anything I asked him so he got up to leave (just as always).  He grabbed his mail and slapped me on the arm with it.  It didn't leave a mark, but it was still quite aggressive.  Then he ran out of the apartment yelling how I'm a "sh*t person".  He was screaming how I made him stay in a resort on our vacation two years ago instead of in an apartment how he wanted and all these other random reasons why he hated me and wants me to die. 

I tried to talk things out with him logically, but it was a one sided.
 He is telling our friends that he has offered to pay my full move back to the usa and housing.  But to me he says he will not give me one cent and he doesn't care if I have no place to go or if I die of starvation. 

Just last week he came to our apartment flirting with me and seduced me to sleep with him.  He told me he still has feelings for me. 

He is lying to all of our friends and no one knows what is really going on here.  They are all taking his side because they just think I won't accept a totally normal breakup.  In reality my (ex) partner has "broken up" with me, but won't talk about the logistics even thought we've been together for almost 10 years.  He just wants me to disappear even though he convinced me to move to this country with him.

I have called some anonymous help hotlines in my country, but they all tell me that I can't force him to get a mental health evaluation unless he volunteers for it. They did tell me I can report him to social services, not sure if I want to do that or not.
It's so difficult to deal with this. 

I am absolutely heartbroken.  This is not the person I know anymore. I'm sure he went back to his friend's house and told him some lie like I refuse to leave the apartment even though he offered to help me.  I feel like I'm in a nightmare and no one believes me. 

 

   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Dear Sunflower, what a terrible situation to be in! You are strong beyond belief, the fact that you tried to pull yourself together in this situation and reach out to hotlines for help speaks volumes.

Are you able to get some rest? You have done what you can do immediately, so take a few moments to focus on building on your strength so you can cope calmly and with hope. What gives you peace? Exercise, praying, taking a walk, think of something you can enjoy that stops your mind from freaking out. As a partner of BPD I have many such go-to methods or else I would not cope. One of them is to put together a playlist of my favourite spiritual music. I tell myself "I challenge you to listen to the end of this list and still be depressed". Never fails.

What simple safety precautions can you take while you are busy sorting this mess out? Does he still have keys to the apartment?  It might be best to avoid being alone with him when he is dysregulating, if possible meet him in a public place or ask a friend to come over when he is coming around.

You are going to be OK. Hang on in there. Do check back in and let us know how you are today.

Big  
Khib
 

[Harri]

Hi Sunflower.

I want to join khib and say hello.

How are you doing today? 

We can help you sort through the logistics of everything you may need to do to keep yourself safe so I hope you keep posting. 

[Sunflower123]

Hi everyone, I'm doing alright, but feeling very exhausted from this whole situation.  My (ex) partner has made a lot of contact with me today through text.  The conversation was basically to tell me that the friend he's staying with is calling me "crazy lady".

Also that his friend is telling my (ex) partner that he needs to kick me out of our apartment since I haven't left yet.  He is the one who thought to report me to the housing association of our building.  He is also telling my partner that he isn't allowed to give me money for food or supplies. 

I suspect that my (ex) partner is paying the friend to stay with him.  Otherwise I don't know what his motivation would be for this or why he'd actually want the inconvenience of my (ex) partner sleeping on his couch this long.  The friend also has a girlfriend that visits a lot.  My (ex) partner left a credit card bill out on our table and I saw that he has been spending thousands of dollars on clubbing and alcohol.  I'm guessing he is paying the way for his friend and probably others as well. 

The friend was having money trouble and was no longer able to afford his apartment.  His lease is also up soon.. so I also have a feeling that the friend might want me out of the apartment so he can move in with my ex(partner).  The place we live in now has three rooms and his current apartment is a studio. Since my partner owns the apartment he can charge the friend whatever he wants for rent.  It's also conveniently in the building next door.  Just a speculation, but it makes sense. 

I know that my (ex) partner is 100% still responsible, but I feel like he's being encouraged to treat me even worse.  Especially in his frame of mind right now.  I'm also know that my (ex) partner has told the friend lies about me.  He did this in front of me.  So I realise that the friend doesn't even know the whole situation.

 I asked my (ex) partner why is he listening to his friend and he said "get it in your head, no one is telling me what to do. I can't stand you."  Right before he literally texted me that his friend has told him he needs to do these things.   

He also messaged me to tell me that he "didn't split me black"  he just hates me and never wants to be with me anymore.  He also said that all of our mutual friends don't like me anyone because I'm "taking advantage of him". 

He then told me he will come over on Tuesday to show me how to clean our aquarium.  I told him he can tell me over the phone, but he wants to come over.

I'm calling more legal services that open on Monday to see more about my rights.  The thing is that this situation is so complicated that when I try to explain it I can get very little help from most people.  I'm also still worried about my (ex) partner.  I'm seriously concerned that this "friend" is not good for him right now. 

It's also the same friend who told him he looked fat a year ago and started his eating disorder.  I messaged this friend 3 weeks ago and told him that my (ex) partner needs to come home and he told me no, that he can still stay with him on the couch...

Up until now I thought he was a decent guy, but now I don't know.  This friend is also much younger than my (ex) partner.  I don't have another appointment with my therapist until Friday this week.  I have gone through so very much with my (ex) partner before and very similar situations,  but this time it seems worse than ever especially with this friend giving him all this "advice".

When my partner has left like this in the past he usually returns within about 1-3 months.  It has been 6 weeks now.  The other friends he's stayed with in the past usually contact me after about a month saying I have to tell him to come home because he can't stay with them anymore and won't leave...     

[khibomsis]

Dear Sunflower, great that you are investigating your rights! There is also a Family Law board here, you might be able to get some clarity there.

I was wondering if you have an ante-nuptial contract? Because that would cover separation arrangements.

With the friend you are involved in a drama triangle. It is draining your energies and distracting you from focusing on your needs, which should be paramount right now. Here is a very useful explanation of the triangle and how to extricate yourself from it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I wish you well with your calls today and look forward to hearing how it went.

 
Khib