What would I say to bpd wife that I hold back.

[badknees1]

-Not only are you ruining your life, but my life too
-Stop machinegunning me with criticism
-Stop blaming me
-You need to apologize to me
-it's all about you, not me, YOU
-expletives..
...I know you guys are all saying no don't say those things...I don't..just wish I could.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CHChuck]

BK - I can see/hear your pain. Man, we could talk...machine gunning with criticism is such a good description.  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? If not, I found that book to be incredibly helpful.  I also am seeing a therapist who specializes in BPD, mostly because my wife declares I have BPD (a common occurrence).  This site is also very informative. 

I am 1 month into my learning process and it's been both a struggle and liberating. It's a struggle because every bit of growth I make, I share it with my wife for her approval (old habits die hard). Its also liberating because I have learned to release the anger I feel when she criticizes me or when I reflect on my years with her. I am learning to speak in a way that avoids major arguments and helps her to regulate her emotions. 

What absolutely SUCKS is that these are incredibly hard things to do and I have no one saying, "Great job, Dude!"  Particularly because my wife has conned most of our friends and I cannot expect that from the others in my life that see the BPD, my children. If I dwell, I can still get incredibly frustrated at what I have given up these past 30 years for her, friends, intimacy, and a career. However, in my particular instance, we still have a ton of potential, especially if I reduce my expectations and continue my growth.

That said, just a day ago, I hit an absolute wall and was certain I could not stand another day in this relationship. Rather than suck it up or to loose my cool, I composed and presented my wife with a list of minimal expectations to avoid separation. I did so calmly, reading from my scrip, and gave her a chance to reply.  While she did not initially agree to everything, she agreed to the one non-negotiable item.  Today has been the best day we've had together in nearly 6 months. 

For me, I did some work to put myself in an acceptable position should she not agree to my limits. I set clear limits and compromised on some after hearing her. That's one step in the right direction.

Good luck.  PM me if you want to talk more.