Difficulty handling conflict with others due to being raised by BPD?

[madeline7]

I have made recent progress with setting boundaries and detaching from my elderly uBPDm. I am making my needs a priority and on most days, I am doping well. I find that I am generally more anxious now that I am moving forward with my life. I am not by nature, an anxious or depressed individual. But I am soo uncomfortable with conflict with others, even outside my dysfunctional FOO. I come across as a confident and assertive person, and am very vocal when I need to be. But on the inside, I cannot tolerate conflict. I'm sure no one likes conflict, but is this "normal", or is this a result of always being told everything was my fault, and always being on edge due to having a Mom with BPD? I recently had a confrontation with a tenant who was given her 30 day notice to vacate, and the experience left me rattled. Now I am paranoid that she will be vindictive and retaliate. Other friends have told me she is just angry and won't do anything, and I find myself consumed with worry. Curious to hear the thoughts of those who understand what I have been though.

[zachira]

Madeleine7,
I understand how you find yourself feeling anxious about handling conflicts due to how you were treated when there were conflicts in your family growing up. For those of us raised in families with a mother or other family members with BPD, I don't think we can underestimate the trust issues that we have that someone else will abuse us the way our families members have. We can be fearful of how we will be abused if a conflict does arise, and if a conflict will be invented and anger dumped on to us so the dysfunctional person does not have to face their uncomfortable feelings and responsibilities. This fear can be even more pronounced when we still have an ongoing close relationship with an unsafe person, as you still have with your mother with BPD with whom you have described your ongoing journey in setting healthier boundaries with her. We tend to dread dealing with events their are potentially volatile like giving a tenant a 30 day eviction notice. So your feelings and fears are not unfounded, nor unreasonable given your childhood and ongoing challenges with your mother, and it would be uncomfortable for most caring human beings to give a 30 day eviction notice to anybody, especially when the tenant responded inappropriately as she did with you.

[TelHill]

madeline7,

Yes, I have this too, and for the reasons zachira states.  The continued ruminating after the difficult situation is unpleasant as well.

I had a break-in/act of vandalism occur at my place a few months ago. It was scary & unsettling.

I installed WiFi security cams. This gave me peace of mind. If you don’t have these installed, using these may help allay your fears about this former tenant.

[madeline7]

"ongoing challenges" is an understatement, and glad that was pointed out to me. So hard to fully recover as the BS continues. Now the rages are decreasing as uBPDm goes into her waif mode. She is piling on the guilt, and no wonder I feel fragile with conflict outside my FOO.