The rollercoaster has me feeling down

[RestlessWanderer]

I’ve been married to a woman with many BPD traits (undiagnosed, but I’m sure BPD is at play) for nearly 8 years, together for 9. I’ve been on the  rollercoaster since the beginning. On Oct. 21st of last year I was ready to throw in the towel. I had left a message with my lawyer to call me back, I wanted him to start preparing the divorce papers. That afternoon my wife and youngest son (3yo) were in a horrific car accident. My son lost his life and my wife suffered numerous serious but non-life threatening injuries. While she and my son were in the hospital I spent that week with my son knowing that all hope of his survival was lost. My wife was in shock and medicated to numb her pain (both physical and emotional). All decisions regarding my son were on my shoulders as she couldn’t bring herself to discuss anything. I was certain that this would push her BPD traits to new extremes. After I said my last goodbyes to my son I turned my time and attention to my wife. Still in the hospital I began sitting with her all day, every day, as she awaited her third surgery. She was finally in a place where we could talk. She expressed, among many other things, a new perspective on life and wanted to leave behind our past troubles. She seemed to have a new lease on life.
Fast forward 4 months and things have slowly returned to where we were before the accident. On top of grieving for my son, I have to once again navigate the stormy waters of life with a BPD spouse. Threats of divorce are now accompanying the blame and vitriol for every little thing that upsets her. Seemingly normal spousal disagreements escalate at breakneck speed and my ability to shrug off the insults and blame is getting harder to do.
I haven’t lost sight f my self worth and my moral compas is still pointing north. But the weight of everything is still taking its toll. I’ve been in therapy for three years and have learned to avoid taking the bait most of the time. I’ve learned to see through the BPD haze and focus on the positive things in my life. I also have a good friend that helps to keep my spirits high. This friend also tells me, without judging me for remaining in the relationship , that I deserve to be treated better.
I think that there’s no saving this relationship anymore. I think that it’s time again to prepare for divorce. But it’s so hard. I wish I understood why I ignore logic and remain in the relationship. It doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know if anyone on here has experienced this type of turmoil: preparing to leave a doomed marriage, grieving a child, feeling new hope of a healed relationship, returning to old BP patterns, and once again realizing your marriage is doomed. Any insight is welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry for the loss of your son.   

Knowing that you plan to divorce, I’m moving your post to the Bettering Board. There you will learn strategies that will help you make this transition more smoothly and lessen the chance for toxic behavior.

We understand what a difficult situation it is to extricate oneself from a dysfunctional relationship.

Best, Cat

[RestlessWanderer]

Hello. I’m still hoping for some feedback. Nearly two more months have passed since my first post and I’m still married. COVID-19 has kept me at home for over 5 weeks now. We’ve had our ups and downs and lately everything is a trigger. She’s been threatening to leave again and I think I just want her to make the move. At least this way I won’t be the one to end it. I’m afraid of the fight if I made the decision. I think things may come to an end as soon as the restrictions are lifted after this global health crisis.
I’m open to anything anyone has to offer.
Thanks

[juju2]

Restless.  My heart hurts for you and your family.
I am sorry for the loss of your son.

I do know about the roller coaster.
It seems like I am expert level on what doesn't work.!
I used to think this was a handicap.
Now I am not so sure.

I am separated from bpd boyfriend, living together 10 plus years, separated 2.5 years as of now.  He is living with a female roommate who used to be his g/f .  she is moving out when virus blows over.

What helps me is maintaining my sense of humor, getting some time in nature, where I can see beauty, becoming acquainted with the larger landscape and being grateful.

I am in a 12 step for recovery from co dependency.  I have 3 years recovery (April 30, 2020) from problem gambling.

So I have to be related to my Higher Power.  I have to reach out daily, turn over my problems, issues, can't handle, all.

I do not have answers.

I know a lot about what doesn't work.

So.  I am thankful.  Thank you for reading this.

May you find hope, strength, courage. 
May you have shelter from the storm.

Keep sharing,
j

[RestlessWanderer]

Juju, thank you for the kind thoughts and for sharing your story. It helps to be vulnerable and open. I am just sad that it can’t happen with my wife. A week ago we were doing ok. But this week has been one of the hardest in a while. Day after day it feels like no matter what, I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Honestly navigating that isn’t too hard.
What is hard is the hurtful things that she says. I know that what she says about me isn’t true. I know who I am and have never lost sight of that. But that is precisely why it hurts. I know that I’m not a bad person and that I do my best. So it hurts that anyone could think the opposite.
 I am not selfish. I am not a bad father. I am not lazy. I am not a piece of $*#+.
I know that I am not perfect, and that's ok.

[once removed]

what a heartbreaking story.

a new lease on life can be a fickle thing.

i lost my dad a little over two years ago. i remember walking around on day three or so with a brand new attitude, all of these things i would do, all of these ways i would honor his memory. that isnt to say it didnt fundamentally change my life, or give me a new perspective.

i have no doubt that the loss of your son, and the near loss of your wife, still looms over your marriage, and over each of you personally. this is a tragedy, the likes of which relationships frequently end over, regardless of BPD, and even with the best of intentions.

and that is how i would approach this. how do you both heal individually, and how do you heal as a team.

and how do you heal the wounds that predated the loss of your son.

A week ago we were doing ok. But this week has been one of the hardest in a while. Day after day it feels like no matter what, I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Honestly navigating that isn’t too hard.
What is hard is the hurtful things that she says. I know that what she says about me isn’t true. I know who I am and have never lost sight of that. But that is precisely why it hurts. I know that I’m not a bad person and that I do my best. So it hurts that anyone could think the opposite.

tell us more about what is going on right now. that would be a good place to start.

[RestlessWanderer]

Once Removed, first off, thank you for the kind and empathetic words. It was a tragic loss that continues to hurt day after day. For me, the pain will never go away, but I get stronger every day.

tell us more about what is going on right now. that would be a good place to start.

To answer your question, lately everything seems like it is a trigger. We’ve been working on starting a vegetable garden over the last few days. This has several layers of triggers for her. She tends to dwell on the fact that I haven’t taken the initiative the last few years to start one on my own. A few weeks ago I told her I would start prepping for one, but she responded by telling me not to. When she started to do the work this week she told me that I should have done it anyway even though she said not to. It took several days for her to even accept my help. But as I was helping yesterday, she didn’t like how I was doing the work. So, she took the tool and told me she’d just do it herself. Today was even more ridiculous. She got upset because I was doing the dishes and sweeping the floor.
These are just a couple of examples of the recurrent theme over the last couple of weeks. She gets upset because I didn’t take the initiative to do something that I should have known she wanted. Then she won’t accept my help because I “should know what needs to be done” and not ask her what help she needs.

Did I mention she has been pushing herself on her still healing foot/ankle, and insomnia?

[once removed]

toast her work on the garden. quite literally, unless either of you dont drink, but otherwise praise it. be sincere.

do this a couple of times.

in a time of calm, start a discussion about the garden, the plans for it, what your role, her role, might look like...how you can help.

what do you think?

[RestlessWanderer]

Before the sun rose this morning she decided that she wasn’t going to do any more work on the garden. She said she wasn’t going to kill herself in the garden or on anything because no one appreciates it. She told me that she didn’t care what happened to the transplants or seeds, “I am done”. She later announced that I was not to do any of the house work. That it is her responsibility.
So, I guess I’ll continue where she left off. There’s such an air of hostility and tension. I’m just trying not to rock the boat.

[juju2]

Dear Restless

you are the leader.  All of this static you are hearing are rumblings of a control freak.  All there is is to listen, and then do what there is for you. 

I had to start writing notes of everything that was said because so much was contradictory...

It's like Mad Hatter language.  so yes listen.  and then, you are the leader.

Speak your truth.  This is a great garden you started, I am going to weed it today.
Just small sound bites of direction...

Most if not all of what she says is nonsense.  It's her disease speaking.
You have to he strong, have support, be dependable.

[once removed]

She said she wasn’t going to kill herself in the garden or on anything because no one appreciates it. She told me that she didn’t care what happened to the transplants or seeds, “I am done”.

i think this tells you everything.

a lot of people with bpd traits (a lot of people without them) expect you to read their minds, and resent you for failing to do so.

what she wanted, above all, was acknowledgment for her efforts. the toasting might have been a good idea. it might be a good idea, for now, to let it go.

She later announced that I was not to do any of the house work. That it is her responsibility.
So, I guess I’ll continue where she left off. There’s such an air of hostility and tension. I’m just trying not to rock the boat.

dont be passive or resigned to this.

this is her dysfunctional way of telling you shes resentful and "fed up". it would have been a good idea, at the time, to ask questions, and to listen, to get a feel for where shes coming from.

be proactive. if you withdraw or avoid her, this will deteriorate.

[RestlessWanderer]

The last few weeks have been very hard. I feel it in my stomach. I go through the day doing the best I can and never with vindictive intentions. But if I’m not perfect then my actions are seen as completely contradictory to her wishes. And I can’t even calmly dispute the sweeping generalizations without her taking offense and raising her voice.
I am going to stay the course and continue the work on the garden as well as help out inside the house. I’ve asked my wife if she could remind me where she had planned on planting things. After all, she has a great deal more experience than I do gardening. But she interpreted that as confirmation that I never listen to her.
I try to do right but if I miss at all then I might as well be doing the complete opposite. I suppose that’s the typical BPD trait of “all or none”.
It’s very hard to live a happy life when any mistake is seen as an act of war.

[RestlessWanderer]

Things have now swung in the opposite direction. She wasn’t happy with my pace and just told me to leave the garden alone. “You’re not cut out for it”. She said she wants it to be a project for just her and our son. Then not too long later she said she was giving away all of the transplants and seedlings.
I am not feeling like a victim. But I am confused, hurt, and just don’t know what to do to make things better.

[once removed]

RW, now might be a really good time to dive into the tools here. to start practicing them here, on the board (ask questions), and with everyone in your life.

theyre going to require some trial and error with your wife, and practice (theyre always awkward at first, and you will make missteps), so the sooner, the better.

you sound run down, resigned, and walking on eggshells. thats not a judgment - most of us who arrive here are.

it is a call to action. things really can get better. but for that to happen, its going to require you to reach into your strength reserves, and to be proactive.

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks OnceRemoved. I’ll start going over the tools. Even if it doesn’t help, it’s worth trying.
I don’t know if resigned is the right word. What I feel is more along the lines of frustration. It seems like everything I do lately is seen as wrong. If there’s an opposite to “Rose Colored Glasses” that’s what my wife sees me through lately.
Overall, I am steadfast and not feeling too down or depressed. All other aspects of my life are positive. I still remain upbeat, but the interactions with my wife are predictably negative.
Hopefully the tools can improve our interactions.

[once removed]

practice them. post about them. post questions about them.

seriously.

because what frequently happens is that people come to this board, look at the tools, pick one or two, try to use them, and their ex sees right through it...thinks they sound insincere, or robotic, or condescending, like theyre using therapy speak, and the member decides it doesnt work. scripts, or "i understand how you feel" will not save your marriage or improve communication.

its like learning anything, youve got to master it and become natural at it.

the tools are really about thinking globally.

theyre about first, better understanding your wife, and second, better understanding yourself (your actions, reactions), and third, theyre about building the kind of environment where the marriage (hopefully) can not just survive, but thrive.

dont think of this as "what can i say when my wife is pissed". think of it as a crash course in a new lifestyle.

[RestlessWanderer]

I’ve read a few books on BPD, regular therapy for the last three years, and I’ve gone through the tools here. It has helped me a lot to learn about what is likely going on. It helps me to understand that I really am not the cause, though I continue to consider if what she says is true. I’ve learned to not be as reactive when she is throwing the lowest blows. It seems that beyond getting better at controlling how I react and doing more to avoid making things worse, I really can’t expect things to change unless she somehow recognizes that there is something going on inside her that needs to be identified and addressed.
I continue to work on myself and haven’t forgotten that I am a good person despite the frequency of being told otherwise. I am starting to feel that if I stay, this is the life I can expect. I basically have to allow her to behave however she wants, swallow my pride, be the verbal/emotional punching bag and mold the rest of my life to accommodate for the rollercoaster.
I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel like there’s much hope for a happy healthy relationship with her.

[once removed]

I basically have to allow her to behave however she wants, swallow my pride, be the verbal/emotional punching bag and mold the rest of my life to accommodate for the rollercoaster.
I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel like there’s much hope for a happy healthy relationship with her.

you are right that if that is the attitude that you adopt, there is not much hope for a happy, healthy relationship with her.

i would suggest that being a verbal and emotional punching bag and a door mat is not the solution here.

the solution is finding your emotional center, determining, and doing what it will take to lead the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

obviously, thats easier said than done.

but you have to understand there are long standing issues here that did not start over night and will not be solved over night. leading the relationship on a healthier trajectory is a major undertaking that requires discipline and commitment and consistency.

you are, of course, right in part.

loving someone with BPD requires realistic expectations in terms of who your partner is, and her limits, and who you are, and your limits. at its best, your wife will likely always struggle, and likewise, so will you. its critical to see that big picture. but its not the same thing as the notion that you ought to allow her to behave however she wants and be a punching bag. people with bpd traits wont thrive in that environment, and certainly, neither will you.

have you read this article? if not, i encourage you to.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

Maintaining routine and structure
Setting and maintain boundaries
Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times
Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums
In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally
Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail
Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

at the same time, you have to accept that this is no guarantee, and consider whether its a journey youre willing to take. are you?

if so, i would begin actively posting, in detail, about how things are between you and your wife, and how the tools can be applied to start moving the relationship on that healthier trajectory.