Those of you who left...what was the final straw?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone.

My husband has BPD and he’s caused so much hurt over the years that I’m thinking of beginning to start the process of detaching and calling it quits.

For those of you who left...what was the final straw? Or what was the realisation you came to?

Sounds trivial, but for me, after another ruined holiday (Valentines day) I’ve come to realise that if I stay with my husband I will never have a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversary or special occasion every again.

xo

[HappySandra]

Hi everyone.

My husband has BPD and he’s caused so much hurt over the years that I’m thinking of beginning to start the process of detaching and calling it quits.

For those of you who left...what was the final straw? Or what was the realisation you came to?

Sounds trivial, but for me, after another ruined holiday (Valentines day) I’ve come to realise that if I stay with my husband I will never have a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversary or special occasion every again.

xo

[Cat Familiar]

With my abusive ex, one day I realized that I was merely waiting to die. Since I was young at the time, realizing that made me come to awareness of how trapped I felt. I made a vow to myself that the next time he either cheated or was violent, I had the choice of leaving or choosing to wait until I died. And I chose exiting the relationship.

[zachira]

Many years ago I dated a man who I am sure now had BPD and who a male friend persuaded me to go out with. We dated around 3 months. He was jealous and controlling. One day he accused me of cheating on him and I threw him out of my house. He begged me to reconsider, went to visit all my friends to try to get them to persuade me to go back with him. I said no. I am a very honest person and I have never cheated on any man. I was really offended by his accusations.

[I Am Redeemed]

My ex once again (fourth time? fifth? in seven years) began using methamphetamine and with his undiagnosed mental issues that drug always made him completely psychotic and hostile. He attacked me several times over a period of about four weeks and when he thought that I would leave him because of it, he drugged me with methamphetamine and threatened to call CPS if I left with our son.

During this time, I turned forty. He ruined my fortieth birthday, and I realized that I was too old to put up with this kind of crap anymore. I had exhausted every possible way I could think of for getting him help. He was never sincere about getting better, and I knew it in my heart. I also knew in my heart that I was going to lose my son, my health, my sanity, my future, and possibly my life if I didn't leave. There was nothing I could do to save the relationship. I couldn't do the work for both of us, and I absolutely could not take anymore raging, threats, or abuse. I realized that he had exhibited the same behaviors and made the same mistakes repeatedly for the last twenty years, since before I knew him and after we met, and I asked myself if I could see myself still enduring this at fifty, at sixty. The answer was no. 

[once removed]

Sounds trivial, but for me, after another ruined holiday (Valentines day)

what happened?

[jaded7]

For me, now no contact 5 weeks it was the following. This was after months of ghosting, angry and mean lectures and texts, leaving me out of events and leaving me out of the loop on things, ignoring texts for days, then 'I love you's', then demeaning me when I finally got the courage to ask about what was going on with the not responding to texts and phone calls- she told me "You don't do what I like to call...adulting. You don't take part in popular culture, don't read enough books and eat sh*tty food".  Um...I have a Ph.D., a library full of books, read online all sorts of publications and long-form journalism, listen to 4 different news sources (NPR, NewsHour, read slate, vice, etc, etc), eat moderate quality food.

She stormed out after I pushed back on this characterization of me and asked her why she wanted to be so mean. Then "I love you 3 days later". Then evaded me on what was going on for Thanksgiving, and didn't invite me to join her or her friends.

Then more I love you's and more disappearing for days at a time. Then "I'm thinking I'll invite you up to Mom and Dad's for Christmas" the week of December 12 I said I'd love that, it would be fun (I've been up there many times, they love me and I love them...they live about 3 hours from here).

Then...the week of December 17 suddenly stop communicating and responding again, snap at me sarcastically in front of her Mom and Dad and sister 4 times at her son's theater show on the 21st (had to just show up to the theater looking around, she didn't text or call that morning to let me know when or where they'd be). Both her Mom andDad asked me repeatedly at their grandson's show what day I was coming up for Christmas and I had to tell them I don't know if I'm even invited, which was embarrassing.

then two more days with zero communication and... she simply left town for her Mom and Dad's without saying a word to me.

December 24 she's at her parents and sends a text "tired. going to take some time to recalibrate". That's it. No "sorry I didn't communicate", no "sorry I snapped and belittled you in front of my Mom and Dad and sister", no "how are you?", no "I hope you have a good Christmas", no "my apologies for leaving without saying a word about you coming up", no "what are you doing for Christmas?", no "Mom and Dad say hi"...nothing.

That's when I thought "I've had enough". This is ridiculous.

In our last conversation I pointed out this sh*itty treatment and she told me that she didn't invite me up because "she didn't want to have to cover up for me again in front of her family". I have NO idea what that means.

[ArtistGuy70]

Even though I suspected it for the five years we were together, when I found out 100 percent she was cheating, I ended it and never went back (although I wanted to deep down).

For a short bpd relationship I had last year, my last straw after four months was her constant jealousy of my relationship with my daughter. She would deny it but it would keep happening. I was done.

[juju2]

Hi

you do have grounds.

I guess what I am seeing in my estranged r/s w ubpd bf is IF my self care is lacking, I cannot do any of this.

Being in r/s w bpd burdened human being is challenging.   Someone said like being able to rollerskate in a hurricane while playing the violin.

On a great day it can be hard!

You know who can do this wonderfully.   My beautiful dog.

He just loves on.   He rocks on.  He plays.  He loves.

[Boll2017]

She blew up over me sending a Christmas gift to my brother.  In spite of promising previously to not have an issue with my contact with him.  I drew that boundary and stuck with it.  The only solution to her is cut them off.  Enough is enough. 

[Waddams]

Final straw - my sense of self value and respect became too strong to tolerate putting up with abuse, lying, cheating, manipulation, etc. anymore. I was worth being treated better but I was only going to find it if I got the abuser out of the way first.

[PeteWitsend]

...

For those of you who left...what was the final straw? Or what was the realisation you came to?

...

I drew a boundary (for myself) that I was not going to normalize her nasty behavior again by accepting an apology and agreeing to make up and move on a week after a fight, particularly if it involved her attacking one of my own family members again. 

Knowing that enforcing this boundary could very well involve moving out of the house and filing for divorce, I took steps to find an attorney and a new place to live. 

When she did pick a fight, over nothing, as usual (it ended spectacularly with her having a profane outburst at me at a little kid's birthday party), I started sleeping in a different room, and we didn't speak for a week. 

When we did, she asked me what I had to say for myself, I said nothing, and she said "So we're getting divorced then?", I said, okay, and moved out and filed for divorce.  She didn't seem to expect me to actually go through it, but after 5 1/2 years of conflict I had seen and done enough.

[SnapDragon11]

I haven't left yet, but I am able to say that I am at my breaking point. When someone's love is SO conditional that one "wrong" facial expression, or gesture, or PERCEIVED gesture or facial expression, can change their effusive affection immediately to anger, it becomes harder to feel like any of that "love" is real or sincere. My experience with the holidays is the same. Nearly every holiday or milestone, or vacation has been marred by some frightening, remarkable, irrational outburst on his part. At this point in our relationship, I am unable to continue unless he seeks counseling. He still denies that there is even a problem. It's heartbreaking, but if someone is not willing to address their behavior and to work on themselves in order to grow, a meaningful relationship is impossible.

[zachira]

"SnapDragon11,

"When someone's love is SO conditional that one "wrong" facial expression, or gesture, or PERCEIVED gesture or facial expression, can change their effusive affection immediately to anger, it becomes harder to feel like any of that "love" is real or sincere. My experience with the holidays is the same. Nearly every holiday or milestone, or vacation has been marred by some frightening, remarkable, irrational outburst on his part."

You have summarized so accurately what for me makes relationships with people with BPD so unbearable. We feel unsafe and can never trust the responses of people with BPD. It truly is like walking on eggshells.

[jaded7]

"SnapDragon11,

"When someone's love is SO conditional that one "wrong" facial expression, or gesture, or PERCEIVED gesture or facial expression, can change their effusive affection immediately to anger, it becomes harder to feel like any of that "love" is real or sincere. My experience with the holidays is the same. Nearly every holiday or milestone, or vacation has been marred by some frightening, remarkable, irrational outburst on his part."

You have summarized so accurately what for me makes relationships with people with BPD so unbearable. We feel unsafe and can never trust the responses of people with BPD. It truly is like walking on eggshells.

The conditional part is so true, at least in my case. I remember during one 4 hour attack at one point I said "remember all those nice things you said about me to your friends? I'm still that person." She replied, "that's before I knew all these things about you."

Nothing in my life or the way I behave or what I'm interested in or what I do had changed. My place, which she once said was "cleaner than my place" was now a "pigsty". My books on my shelves were in the same exact order and placement, but now they "were a mess" (no, very orderly) and were an indication that "I couldn't take care of her"...as in, WHAT?

I don't listen podcasts- I"m a sh*tty person and uncultured. I don't like podcasts. I watch PBS Newshour, read massive amounts of news online, listen to and learn about classical music and popular music daily, study all sorts of things independently, go to classical concerts, play music, etc. etc. But I'm uncultured now...same me she met and loved.

Everything felt conditional, and my love for her is unconditional. Never once criticized her for anything, always supportive and ready to do anything for her.

Always wary of saying the wrong thing, texting the wrong word and getting lectured or snapped at. Walking on eggshells.

[mstnghu]

Nothing in my life or the way I behave or what I'm interested in or what I do had changed. My place, which she once said was "cleaner than my place" was now a "pigsty". My books on my shelves were in the same exact order and placement, but now they "were a mess" (no, very orderly) and were an indication that "I couldn't take care of her"...as in, WHAT?

Always wary of saying the wrong thing, texting the wrong word and getting lectured or snapped at. Walking on eggshells.

This specifically sticks out to me. In our home, I do all the housecleaning. I actually wish I could do less cleaning and spend more time doing other things I enjoy outside of home and work. I literally spend half my Sunday every single weekend cleaning the house. 99% of the time if you walked into our house, you'd think it's spotless. Everything is neat and orderly and this is even with having an 8 year old son and a dog!

My wife will come home after being out of the house on a Sunday and will literally look around the with this smug facial expression and will ask me if I cleaned the house! It's obviously been cleaned and she still asks this EVERY SINGLE TIME. She then proceeds to tell me that it doesn't really look or smell clean! I'm looking around at exactly what she's looking at and I have absolutely no clue what it is that she's seeing. She'll actually tell me that I do a half ass job cleaning and I need to put in more effort. I've just spent hours, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the tile floors, etc. and it's just never enough! It's such a perfect metaphor for her life though...No matter how orderly and organized things are, it's still complete chaos in her mind.

This upcoming Monday is her birthday and I'm already dreading it. I know it means that she'll be in a funk all weekend because she has all these expectations of what everybody should be doing for her because of her birthday. Nobody can ever come close to meeting any of these expectations though and she'll be completely disappointed and will then make me the scapegoat for all of her unhappiness. She is the only person I've ever met who feels that the entire month is her birthday and deserves to be celebrated...completely on her terms, of course.

[HappySandra]

I haven't left yet, but I am able to say that I am at my breaking point. When someone's love is SO conditional that one "wrong" facial expression, or gesture, or PERCEIVED gesture or facial expression, can change their effusive affection immediately to anger, it becomes harder to feel like any of that "love" is real or sincere..

Wow this hit hard. This is exactly how I’ve begun to feel. It’s not just the hurtful outbursts and pain that he causes, it’s a background level of feeling unloved. And if you’re feeling unloved in a relationship then what’s the point.

Thanks for the reply xo

[HappySandra]

what happened?

He talked it up for weeks, then took me shopping but spent the whole time looking for things for himself and refused to look for anything for me. Then on V day itself he concocted drama in his personal and professional life such that he came home really late and sat there just venting about that. Then we decided to get late take-in for dinner and he made a big deal of getting the “cheapest” - like he kept saying this- food he could.

Just more ways of showing me how unimportant I am. He also has NPD traits too.

[HappySandra]

I drew a boundary (for myself) that I was not going to normalize her nasty behavior again by accepting an apology and agreeing to make up and move on a week after a fight, particularly if it involved her attacking one of my own family members again.  .

Good app for you setting boundaries and sticking to them. This is how my partner acts too when we have an “argument” which he likes to call them but really it’s just him raging then storming out. Thanks for sharing your story, it gives me a bit of strength.

I don’t ever want this to be normal. It’s not normal.

[HappySandra]

Also, I’m just sick of feeling like s*#t all the time. This isn’t me. I’m sick and tired of feeling worried and upset and tired and confused.

Sorry if I’m rambling. Just trying to work through my mental processes. I saw a psychologist last week who is going to help me through this. We don’t have any children yet so I feel if I’m going to leave then it should be now. I’m 32 and I do want children.

[jaded7]

Good app for you setting boundaries and sticking to them. This is how my partner acts too when we have an “argument” which he likes to call them but really it’s just him raging then storming out. Thanks for sharing your story, it gives me a bit of strength.

I don’t ever want this to be normal. It’s not normal.

I wrote about it elsewhere, but yes...what she calls 'arguments' are not in any sense of the word actual arguments. Arguments are about disagreements, about points strongly held or opinions. She called arguments/fights when she'd start attacking me for something out of the blue, then I would defend myself, and then we're off and running into circular whack-a-mole trying to chase down the facts, trying to stay on topic, trying to even finish a sentence. She called these 'fights'. And then, of course, the storming out. The last time at deli in Whole Foods. Just up and stormed away from me, leaving there alone.

[jaded7]

This specifically sticks out to me. In our home, I do all the housecleaning. I actually wish I could do less cleaning and spend more time doing other things I enjoy outside of home and work. I literally spend half my Sunday every single weekend cleaning the house. 99% of the time if you walked into our house, you'd think it's spotless. Everything is neat and orderly and this is even with having an 8 year old son and a dog!

My wife will come home after being out of the house on a Sunday and will literally look around the with this smug facial expression and will ask me if I cleaned the house! It's obviously been cleaned and she still asks this EVERY SINGLE TIME. She then proceeds to tell me that it doesn't really look or smell clean! I'm looking around at exactly what she's looking at and I have absolutely no clue what it is that she's seeing. She'll actually tell me that I do a half ass job cleaning and I need to put in more effort. I've just spent hours, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the tile floors, etc. and it's just never enough! It's such a perfect metaphor for her life though...No matter how orderly and organized things are, it's still complete chaos in her mind.

This upcoming Monday is her birthday and I'm already dreading it. I know it means that she'll be in a funk all weekend because she has all these expectations of what everybody should be doing for her because of her birthday. Nobody can ever come close to meeting any of these expectations though and she'll be completely disappointed and will then make me the scapegoat for all of her unhappiness. She is the only person I've ever met who feels that the entire month is her birthday and deserves to be celebrated...completely on her terms, of course.

My wife will come home after being out of the house on a Sunday and will literally look around the with this smug facial expression and will ask me if I cleaned the house!

This really stands out to me. She'd walk in my place, and immediately start scanning around like a drill instructor. "What are those magnesium supplements there? I thought I told you not to get that kind." Me: well, I was out and just got those at Safeway until I can get to New Seasons. "Well, if you'd buy them in large amounts then you wouldn't be always running out. And what are they doing on your counter there? You shouldn't keep them there".

[Linsee]

Hi HappySandra,
I relate to your post  as I'm in exactly the same situation, trying to decide whether I should leave or not.  I feel like I have spent half of my life wondering the same thing. I'm always wondering if I'm going to find a clear final straw, or if this is going to be a matter of divorce by degrees instead.  Over the years, I have said to myself many times ïf he does that again (or that, or that..) I'm out of here, but when the time comes there always seems to be a reason why I shouldn't. Its things like "he's stressed at work right now, so that why he's worse than usual", or "his special Uncle is ill, so that's why he's acting out." I have to confess that I've allowed many excuses to convince me to stay, and when he turns from the blind rage to loving me again, I feel like the suffering through all the abuse was worth it, and that he's sure to change. I really believe there is a good man in there, but this horrible disorder keeps him from expressing his true self.
I guess I'm at the point now where I am reluctantly facing the facts that he isn't going to change; not that change is entirely impossible, but because he doesn't have a real desire to do so.  He has the kids and I so well trained (in constant anxiety about provoking the next rage), that all our lives are shaped around his moods, his needs, and his agendas. We are constantly walking on eggshells. We have been married for 25 years next month, and it has been difficult, tumultuous and highly reactive from the start. I have exhausted every possible avenue for support and help for him during those years, and none of it has made a difference in the longer term to our daily lives. So I guess, for me its facing those facts that will be my final straw.
Its still scary beyond belief to consider leaving after so long, and the kids and I will be financially, socially and emotionally wrecked (as well as homeless in the short term), so its a big decision.  But in the end, what sort of role model am I being if I stay, especially now the kids are old enough to see some of what goes on?

[AskingWhy]

I have not left, but I was able to pull back once I realised my uBPD H loved his adult children more than me.   Or maybe I should say they take precedence over me in the marriage. They are all in the NPD or BPD spectrum.  They lie, cheat, steal, financially and emotionally abuse him, and he still comes back for more.

Worse, he projects the hurt and rage he feels for them onto me.

Sure, his behaviour hurts me with the rages and divorce threats, but now I note to myself, "Oh, he's splitting."  "He hates himself."  "His children have hurt him."  And so forth.

I am not about to give myself sexually to an abusive man, or one who is thinking of a D while we are doing "it."  One time we were intimate, and afterwards he immediately sprang our of bed to call one of his Ds.

I am detached, and I feel better about it.  I now know it's not about me, but totally on him and his horridly dysfunctional family.  

[AskingWhy]

A good book on deciding to stay or leave.

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

[Boll2017]

A good book on deciding to stay or leave.

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

Great read! Really gets at the characteristics of a broken marriage.

[Jetta]

Sounds trivial, but for me, after another ruined holiday (Valentines day) I’ve come to realise that if I stay with my husband I will never have a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversary or special occasion every again.

It was this Valentine's day that decided me as well. For a while I had been on the 'should I or shouldn't I' ledge. But on Valentine's day, he managed to make it all about him, again. Every holiday, even my birthday, he manages to make himself the center of my emotional attention (even if on the outside, to others, he seems OK).

We took off work and were going to drive to a winery, but it was so cold out we decided to stay in. He had assumed my son (21), would be working at the restaurant, and when he found he was going to be home all day, H was not happy. That happens a lot, H will assume something and then get upset when reality doesn't match his assumptions.

He got pissy that my son had no plans for the day. I suggested we could cuddle under the blanket and watch movies together. My H was not having it and said if my son was staying in the house, then he was going to get in the car and leave. That was his solution. To leave me alone on Valentine's day if he didn't get his way.

I probably should have called his bluff, but I caved and gave my son some money to go to the movies and make himself scarce for a few hours. The next day, my son, in tears, confided in me that he'd never felt so unwanted as he had the day before.

He grapples with feelings of abandonment, his dad left years ago. One thing I have been adamant over the years is that my son be with people who not just tolerate him, but are psyched to be with him. I want my son to be fiercely loved and accepted for who he is, and yet there I was, all but forcing my son out of the house so my H would stop pouting.

I realized that this marriage brings too much pain to my son and me. I'm sick of walking on eggshells, of feeling anxious when my H gets home, of regretting each time I talk to my H because it invariably turns into some sort of mind-game.

The only thing holding me back now is our finances. According to my projections, we will pay off our enough of our debt by October where I'll be able to afford a place on my own with those monthly payments out of the way. So I'm biding my time until then.

[AskingWhy]

He got pissy that my son had no plans for the day. I suggested we could cuddle under the blanket and watch movies together. My H was not having it and said if my son was staying in the house, then he was going to get in the car and leave. That was his solution. To leave me alone on Valentine's day if he didn't get his way.

Jetta, you are a good mother.  You know the reality of the way your H thinks, and it's heartbreaking to see your son devalued.

Your experiences of your H is so common with BPDs.  It's the toddler equivalent of, "I don't like this and I am taking all my toys and leaving!"

Now I call my H out on this.  I point to the door and say, "No one is stopping you."  It may not work for everyone, but I get sick of being blackmailed.  Since a BPD fears abandonment, my H does not leave. Instead, he goes out to his car, keys in hand, stays for 30 minutes, then comes back into the house and sulks for about an hour, then everything seems well again.

As I have already emotionally left, I just sit back and watch the sh*tshow of my H's family as they reap the consequences of their poor choices and mental illness.  One of his Ds (who is likely uNPD) has a child who is most certainly in the ASD spectrum.  He is a toddler who seems "off" in many ways.  Just as my uBPD checks almost all the boxes for BPD, this child checks almost all the boxes for ASD.  

I have said nothing to my H nor his D.  Each time I venture to help with advice out of concerrn, I get kicked in the a$$ for my efforts.  My concern is paid for with more abuse.  It was the same way with his homeless S (drug and alcohol addiction) and another D (suicide attempt, drug abuse/addiction, promiscuity, volatile).  His F, who is in his eighties and likely uNPD or BPD, has a gambling addiction.  

I no longer venture advice.  I sit back and watch the sh*tshow.

[earlyworm]

I guess I'm at the point now where I am reluctantly facing the facts that he isn't going to change; not that change is entirely impossible, but because he doesn't have a real desire to do so.  He has the kids and I so well trained (in constant anxiety about provoking the next rage), that all our lives are shaped around his moods, his needs, and his agendas. We are constantly walking on eggshells. We have been married for 25 years next month, and it has been difficult, tumultuous and highly reactive from the start. I have exhausted every possible avenue for support and help for him during those years, and none of it has made a difference in the longer term to our daily lives. So I guess, for me its facing those facts that will be my final straw.

Hi Linsee,
Can you tell us more about what it has looked like for you to "exhaust every possible avenue of support and help for him?" Was he ever willing to take responsibility, engage in therapy (personal, DBT, etc)? If so, can you write a bit about your experience with those avenues?

[Ccswim]

Also, I’m just sick of feeling like s*#t all the time. This isn’t me. I’m sick and tired of feeling worried and upset and tired and confused.

Sorry if I’m rambling. Just trying to work through my mental processes. I saw a psychologist last week who is going to help me through this. We don’t have any children yet so I feel if I’m going to leave then it should be now. I’m 32 and I do want children.

Hi HappySandra,

Thank you for posting, I relate exactly to your question and feelings.  I am also 32, want kids, and feel like it's seeming time to just find a way to move on and end my marriage at this point because it's not going to get better and I am just TIRED.  Our couples therapist thought our session last week was productive but I don't feel that way bc it was just him repeating the same things I've heard for years, and reflective that he is not absorbing my side of that story at all, despite my repeatedly sharing it and apologizing for how he felt based on his PERCEPTION of it.  He also left and drove for a few hours after the session to come back and tell me he thought about it, and again came to the conclusion everything is my fault. 

It's exhausting.  Also the thought of having kids with him scares me, I know he will be a great dad in many ways, one of the reasons I feel in love with him, and he is dying to have them.  (That fact we don't yet is on of the many things wrong with me per him, but, in reality, right when I start to feel like we can try there have been affairs or other hailstorms of destruction).  But, the fear of how much of the flipside of him may come out around kids is scary to me.  He claims this side of him only exists bc we don't yet have kids, but knowing this condition and our history I just don't believe that's a realistic assessment if he doesn't get any real help. 

Hope you're doing well and working through your thought process.

[Cat Familiar]

Ccswim, it’s good that you are thinking very carefully about bringing children into the world, particularly with your husband’s lack of empathy. So many members here have spoken about loving their children, but regretting creating such a longlasting bond with their BPD spouses.