Pregnant and anxious about how uBPD MIL will act when baby arrives...

[BLOOMood]

I am pregnant and my husband and I had our first argument regarding his uBPD mother watching our future baby. We live an hour away from her, and luckily my mom lives a block away and will keep our baby regularly when I go back to work. My husband mentioned that sometimes once the baby is here his mother can come stay with us for a few days and watch the baby while we do other things / run errands etc.

The thought of my MIL being alone with our baby, even for a short time completely triggered my anxiety. I told my husband that I can’t say yet how I will feel about leaving our baby with anyone. (it will be our first so that’s the truth.) I can tell that she’s been guilting him already about getting her hands on the baby, because he reacted really strangely and said that his mom “raised 4 children “ and he started regurgitating quotes that I’ve heard her use to guilt trip him about what a wonderful mother she is and how he should appreciate her.  My husband goes back and forth between admitting that she is unstable and defending her.

I could write a novel about the reasons I don’t want our child alone with my mother in law. She is emotionally unstable, with often violent outbursts that involve screaming. Her poor dog that we have now has terrible fear and anxiety and behavioral issues. I have witnessed her screaming directly in his ear when he had an ear infection, poor thing. She kidnapped her own children internationally in the 70s and brags about it. She brags about cutting people  with knives and tries to intimidate me by telling stories of how tough she is. She is extremely jealous of my parents, who have been nothing but kind to her, and I know that since my mom will be taking care of our baby, I’m afraid it will set her jealousy off to another level. Her hygiene is another issue, as she stopped bathing or brushing her hair years ago, and wears the same dirty clothes that smell. We have given her clothes and set hair appointments for her, but she won’t accept help.

My UBPD MIL put my husband and his 3 siblings through constant drama and they had nightmarish childhoods, but for whatever reason she always reminds everyone that she was a great mother.

She thrives off of faking illness herself and eats up the drama when anyone around her is sick. I’ve noticed that anyone who js around her regularly ends up in the emergency room with unexplained stomach illness. I have wondered if she is poisoning them. My husband has issues to this day taking medicine that is prescribed to him, because I believe she gave him meds he didn’t need, which made him sick,  to get attention for herself, and money from multiple men that supported her. 

She greatly resents me for taking her son away and showing him a calm, stable life that he never knew before. I am scared that she could take her anger towards me out on the baby.

If anyone has any guidance for navigating this situation, it would be appreciated. I don’t intend to keep my MIL from knowing her grand child, but I do not want her alone with him or her.

[Methuen]

Hi BLOOmood

I hear you.  You have valid concerns with what you have written about your MIL.  My mother is uBPD.  My H is in your position.

Have you and/or H read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?

If not, I would recommend it.  I'm a big believer that education is power.  There is a lot of information and tools in that book which is super helpful and easy to relate to.  If H has read, or reads it, it may be helpful for him to see his mother realistically (while still loving her), and also see your point of view.  

Do either/both of you happen to see a counsellor/therapist?   A good therapist is worth a million dollars to help navigate difficult issues with BPD.  A good T could also help identify issues which have hitherto seemed "normal" to enmeshed H.  Sometimes I will say something, and my T challenges me on it, and I think "oh my gosh, I didn't know that wasn't normal".  I have seen a T on and off - mostly off- for 10ish years (uBPD mom).  But last summer I hit my bottom, and read SWOE, as did H, and started seeing a new T once or twice a month - and H always comes with me - since it his MIL and he is also affected by her, as is our relationship.  Having H there with me helps us work together.  He is as informed as I am.

As you probably know, this board is amazing.  I have received so much support.  It sounds like you have your eyes wide open about MIL, but your H is still enmeshed:

I can tell that she’s been guilting him already about getting her hands on the baby, because he reacted really strangely and said that his mom “raised 4 children “ and he started regurgitating quotes that I’ve heard her use to guilt trip him about what a wonderful mother she is and how he should appreciate her.

It can be trickier if you and H are not currently on the same page with MIL's level of involvement with the baby, after the birth.  

I told my husband that I can’t say yet how I will feel about leaving our baby with anyone. (it will be our first so that’s the truth.)

This was an incredibly smart thing to say.  I think you handled that SOO well!

Does H appreciate your family, and get along with (especially) your mom?

I’ve noticed that anyone who js around her regularly ends up in the emergency room with unexplained stomach illness.

From the remaining description/story of your MIL, I'm going to hypothesize that poor food handling practices could potentially be to blame here, since hygiene seems to be an issue. i.e. unintentional food poisoning. Not saying it's not "other" poisoning, but when we are "anxious" it is natural to let our imaginations run with "worst case scenarios".  Since you are carrying baby, it's important to not let your anxiety get away on you.  My T has told me that "spending too much time thinking about the future causes anxiety, and thinking about the past causes depression, so it is better to live and experience the 'present'".  i.e. mindfulness.   Yours concerns are valid, but it's better to try to manage the things you can control and learn new skills for communicating and interacting with BPD's, and not spend too much time thinking about "everything that could go wrong" in the future. 

Congratulations on your pregnancy!  This is so exciting!   I remember my first pregnancy like it was yesterday, and that was 25 years ago!  How far along are you?

[BLOOMood]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I really need to get a copy of the book. I have read a lot on this message board and other places, and I have had constructive conversations with my husband where I think he sees how abnormal his mother’s behavior is, so I am taken aback when he reverts back to defending her.

We haven’t gone to therapy, but have talked about it.

I am 14 weeks! And yes, my husband loves and appreciates my parents. We are so lucky that they are as stable and supportive and it has done my husband a lot of good knowing people like them. My husband says he wants to raise our child however my parents raised me, which is such a sweet thing to say. My family growing up didn’t have everything and it is never  perfect, but we always knew my parents did everything with us in mind. I hear things about my husband’s childhood that just make me feel so sad for him.

Thank you. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

[Methuen]

So happy to hear your husband loves and appreciates your parents.

14 weeks!   An exciting adventure awaits you and H!

[MamaLlamaDrama]

Hi BlOOMood.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I can speak specifically to pregnancy/ new baby with udBPD MIL. My MIL is a high functioning udBPD. So high functioning that unless you're in her family you probably wouldn't imagine how abusive she can be. She would never be caught dead without makeup and she wears very revealing clothes. She is beautiful. Or I thought she was before I got to know her. I just think it's important for you to know there's already a difference between our MILs.
I figured out while planning my wedding that we would have to place boundaries with her when we had kids. I had no idea at the time how scarred my husband was from his upbringing and how sick MIL is. The birth of my daughter 1.5 years ago was traumatic. I had PPD after and now my therapist is mentioning that I may have PTSD from everything. It is my advice that you and H get into therapy now. This stress isn't good for you or the baby. Your mom instincts will be even stronger when the baby is here. I couldn't handle seeing my MIL holding my baby. Everything in me screamed that it wasn't right. And this is all before we figured out that she may have BPD. I remember looking at her holding my daughter and thinking "she has no connection to my daughter. There isn't an emotional connection here. My daughter is just an accessory to her."

My mother in law made a scene at and after the hospital (even though she wasn't invited)
Things have gotten to bad after the past year and a half that we haven't spoken to her in 6 months.

Before I got engaged to H, I had a great relationship with MIL. I thought she was overbearing and controlling but not harmful. These life events trigger something in people with BPD. I think getting on the same page with your husband and learning as much as you can about the disorder will be very helpful.

While still trying to be on good terms while pregnant we had discussed MIL watching our daughter once a week because my mom was watching her twice a week.
Things got so bad after the birth that this wasn't even an option that needed to be discussed anymore.

More than anything this is your baby. This is your family. You have to do what feels right. Does H know that his mom is not well? I also recommend Walking on Eggshells. There's an audio book version as well. I also recommend therapy both solo and with H if he's willing. This has helped us immensely.

Good luck! Pregnancy is hard but so worth it to grow your family!

[GaGrl]

Congratulations on the pregnancy...such an exciting time!

Births are stressful with a BPD mother of MIL. My mother had a uBPD/NPR stepmother. Without knowing a diagnosis, my parents knew she was difficult. When I was born, she wanted to direct "baby comes ho.e from hospital" as a Hollywood production. In the process, she insulted my dad's mother, and it was on! Six weeks later, my dad had changed jobs and moved us 200  miles away, and contact was severely limited.I

Trust your instincts! I am so grateful that my dad protected us from overexposure to my stepgrandmother.

[shield-me]

Hi BLOOMood, congrats on your pregnancy! I can't imagine the pain you are going through because of the uBPD in-law. I'm sure the pain is enough to cause depression. I have a brother with BPD and it is terrible. I'm going through depression. I have no idea how we survive these BPD family members! Sending positive vibes to you 

[zachira]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are concerned about your uBPD MIL taking care of your baby and rightfully so. I am the daughter of a mother with BPD, and I endured a lot of terror as a child and PTSD as an adult because of abuse by my mother with BPD. I think the only way you can have your baby around your MIL is if you are there, which is a tactic many members who have a mother with BPD or a MIL with BPD have used to allow the grandmother in the child's life without endangering the child.

[Turkish]

More than anything this is your baby. This is your family. You have to do what feels right.

Yep.

MIL sounds unstable and potentially dangerous. If you were interviewing baby sitters and this type of history came up, would you or your husband leave your baby alone with such a person? Can I get a "hell no!"?

I would concentrate upon using the communication tools here with your husband, like SET (see particularly the link to the discussion at the bottom of the article):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Support, Empathy, then Truth is in order. Your husband will be under a tremendous amount of pressure, both from her and also from whatever coping mechanisms he developed in his mind. 

She may be unstable in many ways,  but let's face it:  she's not a monster, she's his only mother. 

I heard years later from my mother's former neighbor that my mom was upset that I never let her watch my little son alone,  like a "weekend with grandma." One, my mother never asked me;  two, that was never going to happen due to her property being a filthy hoard. Hearing that resulted in me realizing how lost in delusion my mother really was.

Visiting us was fine.  I washed her clothes which reeked of mildew, cigarette smoke and animal waste (her dogs went in the house wherever), received static for mentioning it, but she spent time with her grandbabies, supervised.

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I am not surprised that your H wavers back and forth about his mother. Growing up with a BPD mother, we also had to present her as a "wonderful" mother, and secrecy about her issues was part of our family dynamics.

My mother is invested in the image of being a "wonderful" grandmother, although the idea seems to be more appealing than the actual role. She and my father would visit us but she wasn't much interested in the hands on aspect. It makes sense that she wants what her friends want- if they are babysitting their grandchildren. To not allow your MIL to do this means exposing her. There has to be a reason- right? It also means upsetting the family dynamics. Your H has a tough choice ahead of him.

That said, there was no way I would have left my BPD mother alone with my kids. Fortunately, she wasn't interested in actually babysitting on her own. She visited with my father- he was great with the kids.But I didn't leave them alone with them at all when they were little and even older, not for long, maybe for a quick run to the store. Ironically I became more concerned when they entered adolescence. My mother began to enlist them as emotional caretakers and tried to confide in them, even triangulate them "against me". That was it for me, and I began to have even tighter boundaries with BPD mom. It caused a major upheaval with my parents.

Ultimately, your child's welfare comes first. However, there's a cost to this decision- and your H will be the one to face it. BPD mother's wrath won't bother you as much, but she's not your mother. Even as difficult as a BPD mother is, it's the only mother we have, and in my case, mine had major influence over my father. Of course, I would choose the welfare of my children no matter what- but the consequences from my parents were not easy to deal with. I agree with you- this is your baby and your family. However, also realize that this will be tough on your H and he may need some support with this decision.