How did it come to this and what now? I've been a fool.

[Clever_Username]

Hello. This is my first time posting here. My story is familiar. I’ve read similar stories so many times here and finally stopped feeling alone and confused. I’m grateful for this community. I’ve started this post a few times, have a couple drafts in Google Docs. Now I’m just rambling. Forgive me.

My and my uBPD wife have been together for 25 years and have one child. Since learning what borderline personality disorder is a year ago I’ve learned a lot, found reasons behind patterns and behaviors. I’ve read SWOE twice and some other books. Watched youtube videos. Spent time here. So I feel that I go into my future knowing a little, relating to and understanding much less and imagine I’m fooling myself in thinking I have any real understanding of what’s going on with her and in my relationship.

She’s demonstrated some behaviors you see described here, there’s been conflict, suicidal ideation, extreme escalations while feeling fear of abandonment, violence, emotional abuse. Nothing as dramatic as legal trouble, divorce or even a separation (yet). For most of those years I’ve done little to help the situation and exacerbated many episodes.

Now I’ve set healthy boundaries and respond in the recommended ways. I remain mindful and observant. I validate and listen for and respond to the real triggering issue when possible. So now one of my problems is I’m wondering if in responding in those different ways I broke the cycle causing not an escalation in undesirable behaviors but a definite increase in frequency. The highs are gone and the lows are common with only an uneasy ceasefire in-between. With no idealization as a momentary break from conflict does the relationship end sooner than I want? I’m thinking it would be nice to see my 13 year old launch before it all blows-up. I wonder if that even makes sense for all of us.

I have no illusions of fixing this relationship, though I suppose at this point I wouldn’t be opposed to it but I haven’t seen much that gives me too much hope for a long life filled with happiness with someone suffering from BPD. She won’t seek help, she’s a mental health therapist and she’s aware of her disorder (I believe) and believes in the stigma around the disorder in the industry. It’s untreatable, any help takes years and few really know how to help. So it remains all my fault today and likely until the end of the relationship.

Now that I examine our life I see the situation I’ve allowed myself to get into. I’ve become isolated from friends and family. Alienated from any support resources. She’s worked on making that happen for years and it worked fine. I’m financially dependent upon her as I work for her company and allowed by IT skills to grow stale and out of date by a decade now. She has a brilliant reputation in family court in our county and all the neighboring ones making prospects of gaining custody potentially more difficult and certainly daunting. But I’m taking some of it back. Setting my boundaries, protecting my child, preparing for separation financially and emotionally. I wish I was here so many years ago. So many years lost. Now I’m whining. Let’s stop here for tonight. I’m here seeking community and to hear your stories - for support like most of us. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Clever_Username, and

i remember when i first learned about BPD, and then when i discovered this place, full of folks who are walking or had walked in my shoes. it changed my life. as frustrated as you feel right now, things really can get better.

Now I’ve set healthy boundaries and respond in the recommended ways. I remain mindful and observant. I validate and listen for and respond to the real triggering issue when possible. So now one of my problems is I’m wondering if in responding in those different ways I broke the cycle causing not an escalation in undesirable behaviors but a definite increase in frequency.

first things first:

what boundaries have you set? how is all of this playing out? can you give us some recent examples?

[jaded7]

Stop Walking On Eggshells really opened my eyes, as did this board. I went online to Google search for 'angry girlfriend', 'yelling girlfriend' and one thing led to another until I found this sit.

It's a real eye opener when you realize what's been going on. It sounds like you started to validate the real underlying issue rather than JADE the attacks and accusations. I never got to that point because I thought that if I would try to refute the accusations or assumptions about my 'intentions' super calmly and clearly she would understand how I wasn't doing anything to 'hurt' her or 'make her mad' or 'start an argument'.

Didn't work at all, and now I believe I've lost that relationship.

Like yours, my exgf is super high functioning and matches the SWOE 'high functioning' description very well. I know that her friends and family have been told stories about me that aren't true, and it hurts. But I have to learn to live with my truth, and I know I didn't do anything intentionally bad to her.

I do know that she, almost from the beginning, didn't want me to hang out with certain friends, wouldn't come to events at my business with friends and clients, shot down the idea of a party at my house to meet my friends when we first got together. I know that she resents me talking to my Dad, a lot. My guess is because she thinks I'm talking with him trying to understand her behavior. Which I was. I know that when I first went to a therapist she tried to influence me on how I talked to the therapist and was worried how if I would discuss some things she did.

I'm sorry that you are in this position. I just share to show you're not alone and that many others here have been through this.