Confused again...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

So just over a week ago my romantic interest with BPD contacted me after over two weeks of him blocking me on social media to apologise and basically start things back up.
Things were going well, I saw him three times last week and we were getting close. He opened up about his bpd and how it makes him feel and it was a massive improvement on the amount of time we'd spent together, before this we'd manage a day or two and he would pull away.
Anyway he's been a bit quiet since Sunday but he's still checked in. I messaged him yesterday and we were having a conversation where he was saying he was angry about somethings that had happened with someone in the village where he lives. I admittedly wasnt in a good place to speak to him yesterday as I was feeling a bit down in the dumps and I guess I wanted a bit of emotional support from him, which was clear when I mentioned how I was feeling that I wasnt going to get it.
The conversation switched to something trivial about age (he's 15 years younger than me). I asked him if he wanted me to come Wednesday as planned and out of the blue he switched, basically saying the age gap was too much and he didnt want to waste his time dating just for the sake of it as it would never go anywhere and he thinks he shouldnt spend too much time with me as he will get to like me too much and its pointless. I replied with ok but just to let you know I already like you too much. He sent me a massive message ranting about how he'd end up on his own and it was too much and that even though I dont treat him like other women it wasnt practical, to which I replied that I was annoyed he'd started this back up again to waste my time if he didnt want anything from it. (this was the reason he used when we broke before but said he'd come to terms with it).
He told me to grow up and I left it as I didn't want to argue with him.
I'm really confused as to whether this is standard push/pull behaviour? It seems it as this is the reason he's used every time before but he keeps coming back. I dont know what to do for the best, he's not blocked me this time, probably because I didnt argue with him and left it, he's still checking my social media as I can see he has.
I was speaking to my friend about it who says I really need to give this some thought and decide if I want to continue this as if it happens all the time it will be hard on me.
I do really like him and I do have feelings for him and I think he feels the same way, Ive done lots of research into bpd and to me this is standard behaviour, is it best now to leave him to it and see if he returns on his own? Should I check in and let him know I'm still here or just ignore his posts completely?
Thanks

[AllyMaine]

Hi all,

So just over a week ago my romantic interest with BPD contacted me after over two weeks of him blocking me on social media to apologise and basically start things back up.
Things were going well, I saw him three times last week and we were getting close. He opened up about his bpd and how it makes him feel and it was a massive improvement on the amount of time we'd spent together, before this we'd manage a day or two and he would pull away.
Anyway he's been a bit quiet since Sunday but he's still checked in. I messaged him yesterday and we were having a conversation where he was saying he was angry about somethings that had happened with someone in the village where he lives. I admittedly wasnt in a good place to speak to him yesterday as I was feeling a bit down in the dumps and I guess I wanted a bit of emotional support from him, which was clear when I mentioned how I was feeling that I wasnt going to get it.
The conversation switched to something trivial about age (he's 15 years younger than me). I asked him if he wanted me to come Wednesday as planned and out of the blue he switched, basically saying the age gap was too much and he didnt want to waste his time dating just for the sake of it as it would never go anywhere and he thinks he shouldnt spend too much time with me as he will get to like me too much and its pointless. I replied with ok but just to let you know I already like you too much. He sent me a massive message ranting about how he'd end up on his own and it was too much and that even though I dont treat him like other women it wasnt practical, to which I replied that I was annoyed he'd started this back up again to waste my time if he didnt want anything from it. (this was the reason he used when we broke before but said he'd come to terms with it).
He told me to grow up and I left it as I didn't want to argue with him.
I'm really confused as to whether this is standard push/pull behaviour? It seems it as this is the reason he's used every time before but he keeps coming back. I dont know what to do for the best, he's not blocked me this time, probably because I didnt argue with him and left it, he's still checking my social media as I can see he has.
I was speaking to my friend about it who says I really need to give this some thought and decide if I want to continue this as if it happens all the time it will be hard on me.
I do really like him and I do have feelings for him and I think he feels the same way, Ive done lots of research into bpd and to me this is standard behaviour, is it best now to leave him to it and see if he returns on his own? Should I check in and let him know I'm still here or just ignore his posts completely?
Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i think what its standard behavior for is a man conflicted in his feelings.

it sounds like he likes you.

it doesnt sound like hes sure where he wants things to go, or if he wants things to go to that point.

and all of that is understandably very frustrating for you.

your friend asks a wise question. pursuing this further is mostly going to mean not pursuing it...not pushing for commitment or clarity. it will mean playing the long game, and there arent any guarantees there.

[AllyMaine]

He's obviously conflicted as this seems to be the only sticking point.I know he likes me and likes the way I treat him as he's told me that, yet this seems to be an issue for him. It seems like he can push the issue away for a while yet when he's feeling down and his bpd is bad it rises back up. Ive never said anything to him about commitment or wanting to put lables on anything but in his head its obviously an issue.
I suppose I'm trying to work out whether this is related to his bpd and standard push/pull behaviour or whether its just his own internal conflict and nothing to do with his mental state.

[once removed]

yet when he's feeling down and his bpd is bad it rises back up.

this is important:

BPD is not something that comes and goes. it is a set of maladaptive personality traits. it is a world view. it is a way of seeing oneself in relation to others.

Ive never said anything to him about commitment or wanting to put lables on anything but in his head its obviously an issue.

you may not have directly mentioned commitment or labels. sometimes the little things we do send signals.

I wanted a bit of emotional support from him
...
 just to let you know I already like you too much
...
 I replied that I was annoyed he'd started this back up again to waste my time if he didnt want anything from it.

all of these things signal that you want something deeper.

(he's 15 years younger than me)

he pushes the issue away until he senses that you want something deeper. he likes you, but hes signaling that youre pushing at a faster rate than hes ready for.

it may be that hes feeling insecure about the age issue if hes raised it several times. its hard to say.

the hard part, the real trick, when these things happen, is to listen (not react), and play it cool.