Ending the Relationship

[kma79]

I just wanted to get some opinions from other people in similar situations. I just started seeing a psychologist, and her advice to me was to end the relationship with my mom. She said that my mom is a narcissist, and she has never seen any patients who were able to maintain a relationship with a narcissist parent with her level of mental illness without substantial psychological damage. I had no idea that I would get concrete advice like that right off the bat going to therapy. Has anyone else had this happen? I feel extreme guilt about this decision to end the relationship. Just wondering if anyone else has gotten this advice from a T? And how to handle the guilt? My T said to think of this as protecting your family and if she shows up at my house, to call the police!   

[SepiaScarf]

My T recommended this on our 3rd visit, to be fair at the time I was pretty distressed. I was terrified of the consequences, her retaliation, but I also could not see any other way to get healthy at the time. So I removed her from Facebook, which was her direct means of contact as she has no phone and is living an hour away. The hour away did not make me feel secure I worried a lot about her just showing up at home or at work. So my T and I practiced what I would say or do if that occurred, and it helped. Time has helped. She hasn't shown up. She did, however, have an extinction burst and took her anger about my choice out on my younger sister, which I predicted would happen, if she can not get to me she will hurt someone close to me, this was the hardest part and something I worked on a lot with my T, I had to let go and let my sister make her own adult choice about mom's behavior.

My T framed it similar to your T, she stated when your mom is hurting you she is hurting your children. She was right I was distressed crying all the time just in a really bad place. I wasn't being a bad mom, but I also wasn't being myself, and spending all this time on my mom's drama was taking me away from my children.

Going forward, I don't want to be NC, but LC. I think that while NC has given me the time I needed to breathe, I haven't fully dealt with all my issues because they are not in my face constantly. I plan to move forward with LC and new tools.

SS

[Harri]

Hi kma.

This was the new counselor you talked of seeing on the 20th?  If so I am concerned that she advised you to go NC without getting to know you, what your struggles are, etc.  Getting to know a client takes more than one visit and requires listening rather than directing IMO.

I went back and read through your posts and this stood out to me:

I guess I have a hard time with boundaries because I feel so guilty when I say no to her. I feel like a scared little girl when I have to stand up to her at all. I do talk/text with my mom quite often, but I have horrible anxiety about being around her. ... How do other people deal with this type of issue and the guilt that comes along with it?   

NC is usually best used as a way to give yourself a break so you can work on self-differentiation and healing.   It is often, though not always, used as a temporary break so we can get stronger and begin to see her as something other than this scary all powerful person that she was when we were children.

When you have used no contact in the past, what sort of things have you done to work on you, healing your wounds and getting stronger?

I want to direct you to an article you might want to read:  The Problem with ChangeA lot of what you struggle with may be related to the distress, anxiety, guilt, etc that happens as a result of making changes through boundaries, not appeasing, not rescuing, etc.  We don't only have to deal with the extinction bursts and escalation in behaviors that may occur in our pwBPD, we also have to deal with and learn to cope with our own internal distress.

If we go NC without working on any of that, our wounds do not fully heal and we never learn better behaviors needed in any relationship, not just the one we have with our BPD parent (or whoever).

[kma79]

SepiaScarf - Thanks for the response. That's good to hear that the NC time has given you room to breathe and feel better. I am just so tired of being consumed with thinking about all of this every day, but going NC is also really scary to me. Not sure what she will do this time around. Thanks again for your response.  

Harri - Thanks for your response. I was surprised that the counselor advised this so quickly too. I think she is concerned with how distressed I have been. When I've gone NC in the past, I didn't see a therapist. I just started to feel better over time without the abuse/confusion. I no longer had a panic feeling every time I checked my phone or felt fear/guilt to the extreme that I do now. I'm going to continue to get help with these feelings so I can heal. I honestly just feel the worst I have ever felt, largely in part to the escalating abuse that I have endured from my mom. I just can't wait to start feeling better. Hopefully my counselor will help me learn to work through this.

[BeARiver]

I am so sorry that your mom causes you so much pain. Mine does too. I was NC with her for 12 years before I knew she was BPD and NPD. I reconnected with her 3 years ago in the hopes that it would be different. Nope. Not different of course. I only recently have had the disorder names to explain her behavior. I'm full of anxiety and a stress ball. I have to self medicate just to be around her. She blew up at me recently over not returning a phone call and now I have gone NC and am seeing a therapist for the first time. Here is what I don't get. We torture ourselves with guilt about not keeping in contact with this person who has caused SO much harm and destruction in our lives. Why? Because they gave birth to us? Does that give them the right to stay in our lives and continue the torturous relationship? I have given my all to my mother these past 3 years trying to make it work. I had strong boundaries but it never matters. It's never enough and she is the most toxic person in my world. Why do we keep giving and giving? Why do we feel we owe them a place in our lives after decades of abuse? To me, being family is respecting each other, and loving each other unconditionally. They are incapable of that. So why do we work so hard at trying to keep them? If it was anyone other than family, they would have been cut off years ago. So why does being family give them a pass? I am really struggling with this inner conflict myself. I understand how hard this is. I feel for you. We're all here for you.

[kma79]

BeARiver- I just responded to your other post. We have such similar situations. I really appreciated your response. What you said about how we feel like we have to keep giving and giving is something I struggle with so much too. It feels like a never ending job that is never good enough. It’s so hard with a family member with mental illness. I feel such extreme guilt for not talking to her. I have to keep reminding myself why I’m doing it. I’ve been NC in the past a few times. I have gone back each time thinking things could be different, but they have only gotten worse. I’m pretty hopeful that starting therapy will help me, and I appreciate this site so much!

[BeARiver]

Ha! I hadn't made the connection that that was you! Yah, we are definitely in the same situation. I totally relate to the extreme guilt. They have done such a good job in conditioning us that way. They have groomed us our whole lives to feel guilty if we don't drop everything to TRY and make them happy. We can never make them happy of course. They are incapable of true happiness. I think we have to remind ourselves that the guilt we have was put there by them over the years as a means of controlling us. A healthy parent would never do that to their child and we wouldn't ever experience this kind of guilt. How do we let go of it? I guess through therapy. Personally, I have so much anger right now, I want to go to one of those places where you can pay a fee to smash things. I need to lose the anger and the guilt. I don't want to get sick.