Very difficult breakup with exBPD girlfriend (is it breakup even?)

[kaszkiet]

Hey all



First of all as many new comers I would like to thank that this place exist, it great source of knowledge and support!

I need some support here about where I am and what to eventually expect next, I will appreciate any comments and support to it



Long story short (as possible):



I was 30, she was 31, I was with my diagnosed BPD ex for two years, she have most of typical behaviours of externalising high-functioning BPD:



• we met on dating app

  
  
• after month of hanging cry-out, outbursts started
  
  
  • after 2 months stalking and paranoia about my ex which she never met in person (ex live 1000km away), stalking/checking up on Instagram
    
    
  • all her previous relationship was bad and guys fault that it didn’t work out
    
    
    • in first months already aggressive rages, dropping bottle of beer in front of me in club just after giving it to her and then running away
      
      
    • unusual jealousy
      
      
    Because of life circumstances I moved to her flat after 4 months of knowing each other, relationship for me was not even well settled for me because of all these red flags
    
    After moving in idealisation phase started and last like 2-3 months, then more rages (smashing glasses etc), accusations, extreme criticism started.
    
    

Our companies merged and worked with her in one office, she was struggling a lot with people from work, had to listen daily about who is good who is bad.
    
    Through first year I couldn’t understand her outbursts and rages but because I’m much interested in psychology and had quite healthy longterm relationship with my ex for 6 years I knew that’s something was wrong, she was always after outbursts saying that she is over emotional.
    
    After year my friend by accident gave me hint about borderline because he was struggling with this with one girl, I made some more research and connected dots.
    
    In second year with one of her rages I threatened her that I will ask her mom and her ex about her behaviour (next red flag, her ex that I never met was watching me on social media for around 1,5 half year what was bizarre for me, she was still in contact with him via whatsapp)


    
    After that she finally told me she was in mental hospital for treatment and had borderline diagnose (just after said “you will leave me like everyone else”), also noticed she had Xanax to cool down in worst moments like anxiety, rage or dissociation
    
    She could’t stand no more place where we used to live and work (Spain) so I made plan with her to move somewhere else, she started to look for work somewhere else, she works in same field as me, after changing 3 times job in 2 months she finally found job in Asia and I encourage her to take offer.
    
    We made plan that she goes first and I will join just after if everything was fine and confirmed if not she might always comeback, separation time was around 1,5 month
    
    She wanted to get fast marriage just before leaving (in place were we used to live it could be done in 1-2 days)

Till that moment we were constantly fighting with mix of good moments, after we separated for first month she stayed in her city and then moved to Asia, till that moment we were exchanging a lot of msgs with love etc on the begging when she was there she showed me flat that we should share and choose furniture I wanted etc
    
    When she moved to Asia I noticed communication change after week-two, couldn’t figure whats wrong, she pushed me to resign from my work which I did and bought ticket, moved all things and prepared for moving
    
    Then after her two weeks in Asia we have video call and she outburst on me that I never cared about her enough, raised up argument about me speaking with my ex which I was friends with and there was never topic of coming back together, she send me screenshots of my chat history with her that she took from my computer that I was not aware she could do (she was stalking me about it for a year or more on my computer), gave couple of other arguments which +\- were valid
    
    Told me maybe I should stay where I am and revert everything which I said I can’t because also needed to move out and said I moving out to Asia (same city as she) no matter what with her or without
    
    It was one of most difficult times in my life as it was just before Christmas (she asked me to come before to to decorate the Christmas tree and she needed me there)
    
    After 2-3 weeks she told me she had crush on someone from work and she knows she will be only adventure for him as she was for me (which was totally shock for me as she wanted to merry me and I wanted to merry her)


    
    In that moment I had no choice and asked her mom about her mental state and her ex who was following me on social media


    
    Her mother told me she was in mental hospital because of suicide attempt, her ex wrote to me:
    
    “She hit me on multiple occasions, she broke furniture, destroyed some of my stuff, screamed at night and in public places, once she hit me and went to the cops threatening to press charges against me, she has been in clinic before”
    
    I then moved to Asia and confronted her with this what I knew, first she was in shock then she wanted to block me everywhere, but I’ve delete all photos with her etc from social media so she blocked me and unblocked in an hour, flood me with calls and msgs and threats
    
    Couple of days later I came to her flat stayed for nights etc (sleeping in one bad, cuddling etc but no sex) then discovered she was cycling new guy from work with same pictures like with me (found guys underwear in her flat) etc
    
    Then later again I was staying at her place (usually couple of days) and moving out once noticed again she was texting/meeting new guy
    
    

All Asia story takes like around 3 months and noticed from her and by myself that things with new guy didn’t went well, since then again she start to talk more in normal way with me (we talk to each other almost on daily basis) 


    
    I found work in same city as her but now detached travelling around Asia until I will get work visa (1,5 month probably) and don’t know what to expect
    
    She wants to keep in touch, see each other etc before she told me she need time and space which I’m trying to give her


    
    Any thoughts about it, any advices? I will appreciate any comments
    




    

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  kaszkiet, and welcome to the family! It sounds like you have been through a lot of tough times. Have no fear, this is the board where things turn around.

I would suggest that you start by learning more about the disease; Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells?" by Paul Mason and Randi Kruger? If not, here is an audio version to get started with:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QY4JZJonCs&t=16009s

Another book many people here like is "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder" by Sherri Manning. Find yourself a nice beach (there are many in Asia  and start educating yourself.

Another thing you will need is to research what support structures there can be in the city you are planning to settle. Though many of us find it rewarding, loving someone with BPD is going to take all your strength. It is well worthwhile finding yourself a therapist and other support structures (faith-based organizations, hobbies, wellness programmes at work) so that you are supported to be the best man you can be.

I hope you stay in touch with her parents and her ex?

If you could let us know more about what keeps you wanting this relationship, we will be better able to help you.

In the meantime, do surf this board, read other's stories and participate in discussion. It is a great way to learn more and be supported. There are no experts here, we have all been where you are and found a way upward.

 
Khib

[Unsure101]

I can't add much to this apart from I feel your pain.

Me and my girlfriend, officially split up in August last year, she called it a day, and I gave up fighting, I did my best to fight for her, but by this moment she'd already broke up with me multiple times before.

However we've been off and on since, she left , got with someone else, that failed, came back to me in floods of tears, ... Met someone else, came back etc. Bit of a yo-yo situation.

However, I'm getting tired of this, it's actually making me feel like PLEASE READ, like she wants me or she doesn't, but then she does stuff like take me out for dinner, get takeaways for us etc, she also reminds me it'll be x amount of years since we've been together, but then something will happen and she'll be like this is why were not together .

She's meeting another guy friend later in the week, but when I said so you're dating him now , she goes no.

Throw into the mix were still living together, and occasionally sleeping together, I'm basically torn, like I do actually love her, but it feels like it's not being reciprocated fully. Maybe I'm the fool for chasing?