How to deal?

[3rd culture]

My SO’s co parent regularly attacks me (verbally, mostly through unsolicited texts and emails). I usually do not respond to anything that is insulting or non- constructive (and have stated that on several occasions). Since I don’t live with my partner, his kids are teenagers, I don’t see a need to interact with her much as it relates to the kids (or otherwise)

 I have also insisted on only communicating through text (mostly to keep a written record) Lately her attacks have been more frequent (typically triggered by stress or conflict around the kids). She has accused me of not creating a safe environment for her kids and being creepy (for giving valentine gifts). I am fearing that she is “creating evidence” for a more serious attack (custody, character slander, worse?).

Any advice on how to best handle is much appreciated. It takes up a lot of my mind space.

Her last message (as example) read: Is it creepy or pathetic for an old woman to buy someone else’s teen kids valentines gifts?

[Turkish]

I am fearing that she is “creating evidence” for a more serious attack (custody, character slander, worse?).

That would be a legal issue between her and your SO.

Truthfully, we've seen exes document (it goes both ways, as if they are unaware) themselves so much as to look very bad.  The static you are experiencing is certainly frustrating and angering. 

How are your relationships with the kids? What does your SO say, or does he try to keep the peace, fearing worse behaviors by her?

[worriedStepmom]

Is there a need for you to communicate with your SO's ex at all?

My H's uBPDex also attacks me via text.  She also used to text me to tell me to pass messages to my H, or to ask parenting questions that H should answer, or lots of other stuff that weren't my problem to solve.  This went on for years, and then last year I blocked her on my phone.  It's much more peaceful now!

H also blocked her.  He will only communicate with her via a parenting app (we use TalkingParents).  It's also now explicitly written in his custody decree that ex can't say bad things about him, me, or SD's therapist to any of us or to SD12.

Your partner's ex can think all kinds of nasty crap.  A judge is going to be really irritated with her if she tries to bring a case that you're a bad influence because you bought the kids a Valentine's gift.   Really irritated.

[Grady]

I also am questioning why you need to interact with her at all.  I have zero interaction with H's exBPD.  If I were to try to do the drop off/pick up, I assume BPD would drive off and not let me have SS.  Do the kids have a positive relationship with you?  Does BPD try to alienate them from you?  Our BPD definitely tries parental alienation with SS for me, but he doesn't seem to let it impact him. 

I think you should just block her and not give her the chance to spew her nastiness.  She can't dictate who her kids' father decides to spend him time with or have around their children.

[Quicksylver]

I agree with everyone else's comments so far. You probably don't need to have any contact with her at all? I end up doing most of the communicating with my partner's BPD ex -but I'm always essentially ghost-writing for my partner. BPD has no access to my personal phone, email, social media, etc. I've blocked her on all those platforms.

There was a time when BPD was passively pursuing getting my contact information, under the guise of wanting more access to a person spending so much time with her kid. My partner and I decided together that we were not comfortable with that.

Through all our tracking over the past few years, we realized that BPD's freakouts were rarely actually about what she was raging about. They were more often than not -about me specifically. Her rages were consistently connected with discovering pictures of my partner and I on social, learning that we were moving in together, having her child talk positively about me, etc. At first I thought I was jumping to conclusions -but overtime the pattern became undeniable.

BPD's attacks sound very jealousy-based to me. I read somewhere (in all my extensive BPD research) that a BPD might hate their ex's guts, but they'd also take them back in a heart-beat. That has always felt true to me in my partner's case. BPD has proven Very competitive with me over the past two years, even altering her physical appearance to look similar to me.

The more space between the two of you the better. I suggest talking to your partner about the best way to end her contact and access to you.

Hang in there. In the meantime, as cheesy as this may sound, focusing on self-care really helped me recover. I'd try to redirect some of that head-space/anxiety that's currently focused on her crazy back to yourself.

[Turkish]

 My ex told me after we split that if I got a gf, the implication that she would meet the kids and be part of their lives, that my ex would need to run a background check.

Don't validate the invalid.

[livednlearned]

My SO’s co parent regularly attacks me (verbally, mostly through unsolicited texts and emails).

Ugh. I'm so sorry you are exposed to that.

I usually do not respond to anything that is insulting or non- constructive (and have stated that on several occasions).

That's a wise first step  Your instinct is to take care of yourself and that's an important piece when you have a BPD sufferer in your life.

How do you feel about not responding at all? Unfortunately, with BPD, getting a response (any kind of response) can be the whole point. Negative engagement can validate that you are in the ring. Even when we say "I'm not doing this," we're still in the ring.

Do you feel it's an option to not respond to her texts? How would blocking her feel?

Lately her attacks have been more frequent (typically triggered by stress or conflict around the kids). She has accused me of not creating a safe environment for her kids and being creepy (for giving valentine gifts). I am fearing that she is “creating evidence” for a more serious attack (custody, character slander, worse?).

To her, it appears the verbal attacks are not working as a way to eliminate you. So yes, it's possible she may escalate things. Has she made false allegations in the past that you know of? Or is there a history of sexual abuse that your SO might know of?

Any advice on how to best handle is much appreciated. It takes up a lot of my mind space.

Isn't it the worst? I sometimes can't believe how much BPD behaviors get inside my head 

How much do you and your SO discuss her?

Her last message (as example) read: Is it creepy or pathetic for an old woman to buy someone else’s teen kids valentines gifts?

How did you respond?

Would her message chance your behaviors in the future? Meaning, would you give the kids valentine's gifts next year?

[ForeverDad]

She has accused me of not creating a safe environment for her kids and being creepy (for giving valentine gifts)... Her last message (as example) read: Is it creepy or pathetic for an old woman to buy someone else’s teen kids valentines gifts?

If there was not someone with messed up perceptions, either the doer or the observer, then this issue would not even have come up.  Normalcy encourages trust.  Warped perceptions or behaviors can make normal persons question themselves.  Too bad the dysfunctional persons don't question themselves.

worriedStepmom: "Your partner's ex can think all kinds of nasty crap.  A judge is going to be really irritated with her if she tries to bring a case that you're a bad influence because you bought the kids a Valentine's gift.   Really irritated."  Especially if this keeps happening.

Grady: "She can't dictate who her kids' father decides to spend his time with or have around their children."  Their adult relationship ended with the divorce.  In general terms, her parenting time is her time and his parenting time is his time.  The only exception is when there is substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  Period.