We are estranged from our Granddaughter

[FwdBkwd101]

Hello,
Our son’s wife is diagnosed with BPD.  As in laws we have walked on eggshells for nearly 20 years with our DIL.  Our relationship with her has been good and bad off and on for all this time.  Our son is determined to keep his family together and is doing his best to cope with his wife’s moods and outbursts the best he can.  We have strived to maintain a close relationship with our granddaughter who is now 8 years old.

Last summer our granddaughter was being disrespectful to her Grandpa and he tactfully told her (we were all in the room) that the way she was acting toward him hurt his feelings and as her grandfather she was being disrespectful to him.  DIL immediately swept granddaughter from the room, son following giving us a look as if all hell was going to break loose, which it did.  They packed their bags and left.  Our son called after a couple of days to apologize and said that DIL was angry and shouting all the way home, telling their daughter that Grandpa was a mean old man who had no business embarrassing and humiliating her with his judgmental words, she also said that she didn’t need to see him anymore if he made her feel uncomfortable.

I have sent gifts,  cards, letters and photos to her several times, but according to my son, she has only received the Christmas card with a letter and photos and when he asked her about them, she said, I think they’re trying to give me a guilt trip.  I feel in my heart that our DIL is influencing her to think and say these things.

How can we stay close and in touch with our Granddaughter, or are we fighting a losing battle?  Does anyone out there have any advice for us?  We are so heartbroken.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BenFranklin]

Sorry to say, I've been there. My daughter (BPD) constantly put my grandkids in the middle and would cut off contact. In my state, Montana, we have 'grandparent rights'
I hired a lawyer and successfully sued for visitation. Daughter and son in law didn't show up for hearing.
I'd hope there are similar laws in place where you live. It's about protecting yourself and the child. My heart goes out to you.

[Huat]

Hello FwdBkwd101

I, too, am a grandparent and I relate to parts of your story...enough parts to know your hurts.

Our grandchildren are now 28/30 so this has been a long, long hurtful journey for us.  In the early years we were surrogate parents to these two loves-of-our-lives as our daughter went from one drama to another that included broken relationships, custody battles with each of their fathers, etc., etc., etc.

Oh, there were good times but without warning the shoe would drop and we (mainly me...her Mom) became her targets.  Many, many times we took the verbal blows...waited for the dust to settle...then jumped on the roller coaster again...because we didn't want to be cut off from our grandchildren.  In those early years their eyes lit up when they saw their Gramma/Grampa but as time went by they were influenced by their mother's role-modelling in relation to us.  Sadly we have no relationship with them now...but even sadder is the fact that they do not have relationships with either of their fathers nor those families.  Even sadder?  There is no closeness between the two of them.  This is the epitome of dysfunction.  My heart breaks for them!

You ask, FwdBkwd101, if you are fighting a losing battle as you work at staying close to your granddaughter.  My advice to you is to try not make it a battle.  The one to suffer the most will probably be your grandchild.  Do what you will, spaced within reasonable timing.

(With due respect to BenFranklin (post above) I do realize that every family situation is different.  Sometimes more drastic measures have to be taken and that was the case there.)

Your son, indeed, is in a bad position.  That was nice of him to call you after the family visit to apologize.  Obviously he respects you.  With that said, he is making a life with his wife and his child and, fingers crossed, that grandchild of yours will be able to grow up without having to live with her parents separating.

Yes, it is heartbreaking to have that dream of togetherness not come about.  Over the years I have cried buckets because of the same dream not becoming a reality for me.  I was late in finding the path to my healing...my serenity (a work in progress!).  I had to learn to look reality in the face...then start working on ways to better deal with what is...IS.

You have certainly come to the right place to voice your hurts, know you are not alone...and...to learn about BPD and how to better communicate with someone who suffers from it.   Arm yourself by learning some of the "tricks of the trade" you will find on this website (with links to more).  For sure this is a journey...will take work on your part...but it is altogether possible that your relationship with your DIL will gradually become more harmonious...and the one with your grandchild will stay intact.  Time well spent.

((HUGS)  from one grandparent to another.

Huat