Steps to Splitting

[Butterfly Kisses]

I am new here but have been reading the site for years. My husband has bpd but he doesn’t believe he does.

We have been married for almost 18 years and I have tried every tool I have learned but have also compromised my mental health and everything I know and love.

Our oldest is in college, but my younger two are 8 and 12. My husband is a lawyer and is dysregulating out of control frequently. I just feel myself slipping away in my efforts to keep him stable.

I just want a divorce but am almost paralyzed by fear and what steps I should take.

I will get the recommended reading but also need to know how to find a good lawyer to protect me.

Please share any advice and if possible, a short to do list to start with. I know it’s complicated, but I’m just spiraling with where to start and what basic steps are needed.  Thank you for your time.

[dt9000]

Hi BK, good luck to you in this journey.

One of the biggest things I have struggled with during my separation is FEAR. It paralyzed me and kept me from taking action for years.

I am slowly finding out that my fear of the various steps involved is much worse than actually going through each step. I just posted another thread about a support hearing that I went through yesterday. I was terrified of going though this, but it went ok and I'm now one step closer to being fully extracted from my BDPex.

There is lots of support here as well as great advice. Again, good luck to you in your journey.

dt9000

[worriedStepmom]

I love your name, Butterfly Kisses!

Do you have a therapist yet?  If you don't, that might be a good first step.  Divorce is hard, even more so when one party is emotionally dysregulated.  I sought therapy for the first time when I divorced (a non-PD) and then again more recently to help me deal with SD12's uBPDmom.

Step 2a is to find out what your legal rights and options are.  You can google "lawyer high conflict divorce" or "lawyer divorce mental health issues" to start making a list of available options.  It's okay to call more than one lawyer so that you can find one who is a good fit for you.

Step 2b is to start documenting everything you can, especially how he treats you and the children.  You can document who takes them to/from activities, school, and doctor appointments, who does all the scheduling, who helps with homework and bedtime routines.  You can document time spent with each child, and how that time is spent (does he yell at them?  Does he ignore them?  does he tell them inappropriate things?  Does he actually play with them?). 

Others will have more suggestions on this step.

Do you feel physically safe?  If not, then that may change the plan.

[Butterfly Kisses]

Thanks dt900, the fear is real.  I’m glad your hearing went well.

worriedStepmom, thank you for all of the info.

My brother is a MC, if you can believe that. He is the one who directed us to the therapist who dx bpd. That was the last time we went. I suppose I could go myself.

And thank you for the steps. I journal, so I do have a “record” of sorts to all the times he’s been irrational.  I feel bad for him, but I am suffering from all of this and just feel it’s time I look after me and protect the kids.

[livednlearned]

The way his BPD traits present will probably determine to some extent how you plan.

Do you feel he's in any way dangerous? (e.g. substance abuse, threats/false allegations, domestic violence, child abuse, legal abuse, etc.).

I took roughly a year to plan (n/BPDx was a former trial attorney, and an alcoholic who had recently begun taking combinations of prescription pills with no end in sight) and positioned myself to be 10 steps ahead of things. I made mistakes and things definitely got hairy but that preparation was everything and made all the difference.

What's his relationship with the kids like?

[Butterfly Kisses]

Thanks lived,

If your ex was a trial attorney, you understand the concern. My H is a pretty aggressive litigator and has done high conflict divorces where he’s seen a lot of (false?) accusations, so it is concerning that he knows a lot of games.

I do almost everything for the kids, especially the younger ones and everything for the day to day. I also do almost everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, garbage).  He makes the money.

One of the big side concerns I have is a loan he took out years ago.  He has me pay all the bills and when things were tight, we couldn’t pay all our bills as they were.  He wanted to refinance the loan, which he did but he made me do all the paperwork and phone calls to get it done.  I “manage” it to “help” him.  He spends a lot of money and then loses track.  I’m slightly worried he’ll try to stick me with this loan because he made me manage it. I really thought I was being helpful but I’ve seen him remove his responsibility even in work settings. He makes his partner handle all the bills and will blame him when something doesn’t go right.  But he will literally take credit for any and every good thing that happens. Both personally and professionally. 

Anyway, I see it as a way to insulate himself from responsibility and I walked right into it. 

At some point I wonder if I can be belittled on a daily basis. I don’t think I can anymore. Searching for the upside that outweighs the downside, even just a bit, but it seems I no longer can. 

So sad and scared and tired.

Sorry.  I don’t feel physically threatened, at least for now.  He is overly good to the kids with one off things but also snaps at them and says grossly inappropriate things to them on an almost daily basis. When he’s good, he’s great but never know and everyone is walking on eggshells. It is pretty unbearable when you stop to think about it.

[ForeverDad]

You'll have to review the terms of the loan.  Who are obligated to repay the loan?  Are there any co-signers who are also responsible if the primary signers fail to pay?  In addition, how does your state handle loan obligations?  Community property states have certain rules on how assets and debt obligations are divided.

Of course he will claim, even demand, it is your obligation.  PwBPD will typically demand they reap all the benefits and others bear the burden of debts and obligations.  Do not appease, retreat or think that the divorce court will care whether you bend over backwards or not.  Though court won't say this in so many words, you have a right to stand up for yourself.

You are entitled to confidential consultations with family law attorneys.  Yes, you can consult with more than one and then choose to hire the one most suited for your case's circumstances.  Generally our cases get litigated in court so we need proactive lawyers who have court experience not just in hearings but also trials.

If you haven't yet, read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It's one of our most vital resources to prepare ourselves for legal disputes, mediation, separation, etc.

[livednlearned]

If your ex was a trial attorney, you understand the concern. My H is a pretty aggressive litigator and has done high conflict divorces where he’s seen a lot of (false?) accusations, so it is concerning that he knows a lot of games.

I completely understand the concern.

I gave myself a year to prepare and left one week before I had planned. If my planning pieces hadn't been in place I suspect it would've been a much more disastrous exit.

All these years later I can see now that I was much more afraid than I needed to be, but there was no way to know just how bad things were going to get and I had lived with so much tension and fear for so long I was kind of awash in it. I wish I had learned about mindfulness for myself, and validation for my son before leaving. Those two seem to be the golden keys to unlocking a better life for us, separate of course from the pragmatic stuff.

In what ways is your husband dysregulating and becoming unstable? That might tell you what to expect during a divorce.

My ex dysregulated to the point of psychosis during our divorce, in front of the judge. n/BPDx made so many terrible choices for himself and I can only attribute that to his emotional instability and distorted perceptions (narcissism). He insulted his attorney (who withdrew from the case), insulted the judge many times over (accusing him of lying about a back surgery), and represented himself, which put his dysfunctions on public display. Not a good look for him. Because he was a lawyer, more was expected of him, like not sending hundreds and hundreds of emails that demonstrated how unstable he was.

Eventually the judge put a gate keeping order on him although for technical reasons that wasn't as helpful as I had hoped.

In other words, despite your ex having legal experience, he also has a serious mental illness and the way it impairs him in his marriage and as a parent will surface elsewhere. It can be surreal to see such dysfunctional behaviors move publicly into the spotlight where others can see them after feeling alone in your struggle. The silver lining for me was looking around and realizing how much love and support I had, how relieved people were to see me start a new life for my son.

The toll of having a mentally ill father is steep for my son and he'll be paying that price for a long time. But I shudder to think of what he would be dealing with (as a sensitive soul) had he continued to live with his dad.

My heart goes out to you. I hope we can hold you up and be of some comfort as we walk with you through this, should you decide to go.

 

Remember to take care of yourself. Really, really, really take care of yourself.

LnL

[MeandThee29]

My ex dysregulated to the point of psychosis during our divorce, in front of the judge. n/BPDx made so many terrible choices for himself and I can only attribute that to his emotional instability and distorted perceptions (narcissism). He insulted his attorney (who withdrew from the case), insulted the judge many times over (accusing him of lying about a back surgery), and represented himself, which put his dysfunctions on public display. Not a good look for him. Because he was a lawyer, more was expected of him, like not sending hundreds and hundreds of emails that demonstrated how unstable he was.

In other words, despite your ex having legal experience, he also has a serious mental illness and the way it impairs him in his marriage and as a parent will surface elsewhere. It can be surreal to see such dysfunctional behaviors move publicly into the spotlight where others can see them after feeling alone in your struggle. The silver lining for me was looking around and realizing how much love and support I had, how relieved people were to see me start a new life for my son.

I got a negotiated settlement, but my ex dysregulated with his attorney. He picked a high power, senior-level one, and that attorney would have none of it. They clashed and stonewalled and all the rest. My attorney (also high power and older) found that amusing because he predicted some of what happened. I was a model client, and mine told his that (LOL). It was expensive but validating. When I signed, he called the case "memorable and unprecedented."

[Butterfly Kisses]

Thanks all.  Times are rough, both in and out of the house.

Long story short, H is about to lose his job and I currently am still on the hunt. For the last 25 years he has been the primary breadwinner and I have been the primary care giver to kids and home, but always at least had a PT job, too.

So if he just stops going to work (he could work from home, but has just been milling around the house the last 2 weeks) and there’s no income, what then?

Have I just lost any chance for financial support in a divorce?  Which sadly, is pretty much the only thing stopping moving forward at this point. No way to support myself and my kids.

I hope you are all well.

[Butterfly Kisses]

  Just checking to see if anyone has input on exH taking lower salary to lower alimony and CS.

Have almost 20 year history of higher earner and last 5-10, very high earner, where I’ve been about 10% of combined.

Can he switch jobs before divorce (not filed, just starting attorney meetings) to lower amount of alimony?

[GaGrl]

There is a situation in divorced called "imputed income." It refers to what a spouse could reasonably be expected to earn. Ask your lawyer to look into this. It may be as simple as looking at the last five years' of income tax returns.

[ForeverDad]

With the current COVID-19 pandemic, everything is in a turmoil including job security.  However, your spouse started downsizing his work before this all happened so he can't really justify that the current state of emergency explains his recent job choices.

Also, understand that many courts have wised up to attempts to avoid or reduce child support (or alimony).  There are many parents who have moved or changed jobs frequently so it is harder to find them or start garnishing their paychecks.  Some of us here have had the other parent quit jobs claiming they can't find work.  One solution courts have accepted is that support is ordered based on the income the parent could potentially earn.  It's called imputed income.  For example, there was a California doctor who quit his practice and started flipping burgers for a greatly reduced income.  The court ruled that he could be earning more and due to the disparity imputed him based on what he could earn, not what he was earning.  Effectively, the court ruled that it wasn't like he couldn't find a job as a doctor.

[worriedStepmom]

I would definitely ask a lawyer these questions.

In my non-lawyer opinion, if he changes jobs now, before either of you have filed for divorce or officially separated, then it will likely be very difficult to argue that he did so just to pay less in alimony or child support.  The longer you wait to file, and therefore the longer this salary is what your family is used to living on, the less likely that anyone will consider the old salary.

Is his salary reasonable for his field?  In my career, there is a wide variety in salaries, depending on which industry you work in.  I work in a high-paying industry.  If I moved to another industry, I could do the exact same job with the exact same tasks and take a pay cut of 25 - 40%.

Most states have rules about how often they will recalculate child support.  In some cases they'll look at it more frequently if they think the parent was trying to hide income/deliberately keep the numbers low.