First post

[Feral]

Hello all, I don't even know if this is just another archived site so I thought I would make a post. I have been holding a relationship together for the last 10 years with my wife who just 2 months ago was diagnosed with BPD. I have been holding it together for the sake of the children,  but now that they are clearly traumatized,  that I have little hope of any significant change in her behavior,  that the cumulative effects over the years has created real and lasting damage to the whole family,  and that, while I have paternalistic love for her,  I have no attraction, nor romantic feelings for her,  only bitter resent, I am seeking help here. In staying married I am trying to avoid concerned adverse effects of divorce on her, the children,  and my financial status, but I no longer think it tenable. Any thoughts?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hi Feral,

Welcome to BPDFamily. This is certainly not "just another archived site" (although I'll have to admit that I don't actually know what that is). We have tons and tons of active members ranging from newbies like yourself who've just arrived to people with decades of experience in and around the family and BPD.

Your situation is not uncommon, many if not most here know the emotional and physical effort it involves trying to hold things together for the good of our partner, kids, wider family and even ourselves. It's exhausting. It's also pretty confusing to work out specifically why we're doing it in the first place... it's mostly a thankless task.

Would you be able to describe some of your wife's behaviours, how you see the children impacted and what the impacts are on yourself. There's a number of ways the team here can help you gain clarity and provide you with tools to help you. Initially I think getting to a point where you are able to get perspective of how things are and how things have been is important... one's reality can be very muddled.

We believe in unicorns here, you're among friends.

Best

Enabler

[Feral]

Enabler, thanks for the post.
To your questions,  my wife is frequently depressed and in poor physical health, that is get background state, but when she gets upset, her typical response is to
create an argument or complaint,  and if I talk back,  it escalates and she calls me a bad name, tell me she hates me, and demand a divorce. If I  don't talk back, she will follow me around and have a one sided argument and berate me for ignoring her, but it is the preferable response.
This has been happening since the first month of our marriage. According to her, she doesn't actually want a divorce,  she wants me to soothe her and never divorce her.  For me,  it hurts me every time.
The common triggers of this behavior are her anxiety,  dreams,  or something that I do or say. I have for years tried to limit my contribution to these triggers.  This causes its own set of problems as she used to be triggered by me talking about my thoughts or feelings,  so now I refuse to share those with her.  This bothers her for obvious reasons,  but it is preferable because any information I give her about my state, however innocuous it may seem,  enters the echo chamber of her anxiety and then incites a week long fight and becomes fodder for future arguments without end. However,  I cannot completely disappear,  so sometimes I still trigger her.

That is the common scenario, but sometimes things get worse and she becomes suicidal or violent.  Her suicide attempts are not effectual though and seem more like emotional venting.  Her attacks on me are more effective.

So that is daily life. As far as its effects on the children,  my son is very careful about not upsetting her, and both are very protective of her.  That protectiveness,  coupled with her yelling at me that this is all my fault,  has put significant strain on my relationship with my kids. But when she is threatening to leave,  and leave them behind, they became intensely agitated.
As for me, I find the use of divorce threats as a way to get under my skin, or prove I love her, as profoundly stressful.  Additionally, my hopes for a marriage are dashed. 

[Enabler]

Her attacks on me are more effective.

Thanks for detailing Feral. Firstly, can I clarify what you mean by the above statement? Are you physically safe and not being harmed?

It sounds to me that your wife wants to be validated, have you read anything about validation? I'm not suggesting AT ALL that validation or communicating in a validating way is the silver bullet to your wife's behaviours, but it will make things better. It seems like she's communicated this to you maybe when she says she wants you to "soothe her". The problem I'm guessing you face is that since her anxieties come from her fantasy you struggle to find things to validate. Have a read of this link and let me know what you think:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

One thing i have found very very very helpful is to journal. It doesn't need to be a lot every day, but maybe at work or on a very safe computer or private phone, keep a daily note of what's gone on. You can include emotional details if you like, I've stuck to putting down more factual stuff. I found that I was unable to grasp the sheer  enormity of my reality because I was so amongst the trees. Journaling forced me to assess each day and be honest about what was going on, as well as how I contributed to the chaos.

Look forward to hearing from you,

Enabler