Dropping in to say thank you and share some learnings

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It’s been about 18 months since I last visited this site, but I often think of the people on here who helped me through the roughest part of my journey and frequently use and share the tools and techniques I learned here.

For those of you who are new here or still figuring out if you belong on this message board or on the repairing board, it can get better. I’m still healing (I don’t think that ever completely ends) but pain and tears are no longer a daily, weekly, or even monthly companion. The last fresh wound from my dBPDx was about 4 months ago. He is engaged to another woman who seems to be optimistic that they can work through the behaviors that led to my separation and divorce from him. While I remain a bit skeptical, I hope she’s right.

Minimal contact with dBPDx has been much easier because our youngest is 16 and I was able to avoid alimony and child support. That has helped tremendously. With new wounds being pretty rare, I’ve been able to focus my efforts on dealing with the old ones as they start to ache.

I have learned a few things along this journey that I wanted to share-

Striving for radical acceptance brings more comfort than working to change your pwBPD:  I still fall into the habit of using the tools with the intention of changing the behavior of the other party. When I’m in that mindset I’m usually much more anxious and unhappy than when I accept the situation for what it is and respond in a way that is healthy and helpful for me.

The tools are helpful in SO many relationships:  I find myself using “gray rock” and avoiding JADE with people in almost every aspect of my life. Sometimes it’s because the person I’m dealing with is behaving in a disordered way. Sometimes it’s because I’m responding in a disordered way. Which brings me to...

The patterns I formed with my pwBPD feel comfortable long after my relationship with pwBPD ended and healthy relationship can feel very uncomfortable:  My therapist warned me about this and continues to help me recognize when I’m playing out old patterns or when I’m resisting or avoiding the healthy, loving relationships because the feel uncomfortable.

Living life with a pwBPD has left some scars, but has also made me incredibly strong and capable of helping others:  If you’re here on this site, you’re also scarred and may feel helpless and useless, but as you heal you’ll see the truth about yourself.

Healing only happens when I allow myself to take care of myself:  Self care is critical in a healthy life. It has been necessary for me to get used to being kind to myself. At first it felt very selfish and I had to justify it by telling myself it would help others. I still struggle with that at times, but it’s now becoming easier to do it because I believe I’m worthy of being cared for and that starts with caring for myself.  

There are a lot of other lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones that are at the front of my mind right now. Many of them are lessons shared by others on this site. Most of them only sank in when I was ready to learn them. Some of them I’m still having to relearn over and over.

For any who have been around and are interested in how my story is unfolding, my oldest son is finishing an engineering degree and my younger son is being recruited by some good Universities because of his high test scores. They are both happier and healthier than they were a few years ago. Neighbor B decided that his lack of physical attraction to me meant we would never be more than friends and I’m forever grateful that he was honest with himself and me about that. We remain friends. I did some online dating but was very picky, so I only went on 3 first dates. The third time was the charm and I have been with J for over a year. J has his own “baggage”, but he owns it and works through it. He’s been vetted by my closest friends and my therapist and passed with flying colors as he has loved me consistently and well through good and bad. He comes with two children and parents who have embraced me and my boys in a beautiful way that I now know is how it should be. We are working towards a December wedding and looking forward to facing the ups and downs of life together.

Life is not perfect. I still battle anxiety that can sometimes feel debilitating. I have been through hurts and disappointments. I have sometimes responded poorly and been further hurt and disappointed by myself, but I have learned to celebrate the power and beauty of the standing up after falling down rather than berating myself for falling down. I have the chaos of 4 teenagers in my life (okay, 3 teenagers and a young adult) as well as aging parents, my ex, my SO’s ex, work, dogs, bills, friendships, and all the other beautifully messy things life throws at us or we choose to throw ourselves into. And life is beautiful.

[BeagleGirl]

It’s been about 18 months since I last visited this site, but I often think of the people on here who helped me through the roughest part of my journey and frequently use and share the tools and techniques I learned here.

For those of you who are new here or still figuring out if you belong on this message board or on the repairing board, it can get better. I’m still healing (I don’t think that ever completely ends) but pain and tears are no longer a daily, weekly, or even monthly companion. The last fresh wound from my dBPDx was about 4 months ago. He is engaged to another woman who seems to be optimistic that they can work through the behaviors that led to my separation and divorce from him. While I remain a bit skeptical, I hope she’s right.

Minimal contact with dBPDx has been much easier because our youngest is 16 and I was able to avoid alimony and child support. That has helped tremendously. With new wounds being pretty rare, I’ve been able to focus my efforts on dealing with the old ones as they start to ache.

I have learned a few things along this journey that I wanted to share-

Striving for radical acceptance brings more comfort than working to change your pwBPD:  I still fall into the habit of using the tools with the intention of changing the behavior of the other party. When I’m in that mindset I’m usually much more anxious and unhappy than when I accept the situation for what it is and respond in a way that is healthy and helpful for me.

The tools are helpful in SO many relationships:  I find myself using “gray rock” and avoiding JADE with people in almost every aspect of my life. Sometimes it’s because the person I’m dealing with is behaving in a disordered way. Sometimes it’s because I’m responding in a disordered way. Which brings me to...

The patterns I formed with my pwBPD feel comfortable long after my relationship with pwBPD ended and healthy relationship can feel very uncomfortable:  My therapist warned me about this and continues to help me recognize when I’m playing out old patterns or when I’m resisting or avoiding the healthy, loving relationships because the feel uncomfortable.

Living life with a pwBPD has left some scars, but has also made me incredibly strong and capable of helping others:  If you’re here on this site, you’re also scarred and may feel helpless and useless, but as you heal you’ll see the truth about yourself.

Healing only happens when I allow myself to take care of myself:  Self care is critical in a healthy life. It has been necessary for me to get used to being kind to myself. At first it felt very selfish and I had to justify it by telling myself it would help others. I still struggle with that at times, but it’s now becoming easier to do it because I believe I’m worthy of being cared for and that starts with caring for myself.  

There are a lot of other lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones that are at the front of my mind right now. Many of them are lessons shared by others on this site. Most of them only sank in when I was ready to learn them. Some of them I’m still having to relearn over and over.

For any who have been around and are interested in how my story is unfolding, my oldest son is finishing an engineering degree and my younger son is being recruited by some good Universities because of his high test scores. They are both happier and healthier than they were a few years ago. Neighbor B decided that his lack of physical attraction to me meant we would never be more than friends and I’m forever grateful that he was honest with himself and me about that. We remain friends. I did some online dating but was very picky, so I only went on 3 first dates. The third time was the charm and I have been with J for over a year. J has his own “baggage”, but he owns it and works through it. He’s been vetted by my closest friends and my therapist and passed with flying colors as he has loved me consistently and well through good and bad. He comes with two children and parents who have embraced me and my boys in a beautiful way that I now know is how it should be. We are working towards a December wedding and looking forward to facing the ups and downs of life together.

Life is not perfect. I still battle anxiety that can sometimes feel debilitating. I have been through hurts and disappointments. I have sometimes responded poorly and been further hurt and disappointed by myself, but I have learned to celebrate the power and beauty of the standing up after falling down rather than berating myself for falling down. I have the chaos of 4 teenagers in my life (okay, 3 teenagers and a young adult) as well as aging parents, my ex, my SO’s ex, work, dogs, bills, friendships, and all the other beautifully messy things life throws at us or we choose to throw ourselves into. And life is beautiful.

[Sluggo]

Thanks for sharing BH

[I Am Redeemed]

It's good to hear from you, BG!

I'm glad you have been able to move forward from your relationship with your ex. Congrats on the engagement!

I think you brought up an important point in that many times we use the tools with the goal of changing the other person's behavior. It's much less stressful when we can realize that the tools are to help us respond in healthy ways, and to remember that they are really a way of life and can be used in a lot of situations with a lot of different people.

I am also working on my own familiar dysfunctional patterns. A relationship with a pwbpd goes two ways and there are patterns of my own that contributed to the unhealthy relationship. I am working on getting to the roots of why I respond and react in certain ways and developing new behaviors and mindsets. It's a long process, but worth it.

Thanks for letting us know how you are, and how you have found healing and beauty after the end of your BPD relationship!

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so happy for you, BeagleGirl 

It's a good lesson, and certainly has been a challenge for me, to accept rather than attempt to change my partner. But it yields great benefits, both in an improved relationship and also, in less on my to do list. I wasn't being too successful with the changing part anyway.

My metaphor to myself is to observe like a wildlife biologist, instead of meddling.

Congratulations on finding a wonderful healthy partner.   

[Lucky Jim]

Great report, BG.  It's onwards and upwards from here.  LJ

[zachira]

We love to hear success stories! It takes tremendous courage to face the pain, to realize we cannot change another person, only work on how we respond to what is going on. Thank you for sharing. I am glad you are doing so well.

[MeandThee29]

Good to hear from you! I was thinking of you the other day. I've been mostly over on the Family Law board. Life has calmed down after my year-end divorce.

You are so right that radical acceptance is the key. Don't ruminate and rework, just accept and go on.

[zachira]

I am rereading BeagleGirl's initial post and learning something new this time, as things have changed for me a great deal since she first posted it. I do find the tools useful still, yet I am finding that radical acceptance as the goal to be much more rewarding than trying to improve relationships with people with BPD. I too first felt uncomfortable with the healthy people and struggled with being attracted to the wrong people. Now I am much more comfortable with the healthy people and really don't want to be around the unhealthy people. It is always great to hear from members that have gone full circle from a relationship with a person with BPD to one with a healthy loving normal person.