Common: Scapegoats are Cheated Out of Inheritance: Stories/Wisdom to Share

[zachira]

My siblings have recently decided to divide up mom's things among themselves despite Mom's Will giving me a third. I have always been one of the scapegoats of both my immediate and extended family. Last night I was doing some research on the internet on scapegoats and inheritances. It is actually quite common for the scapegoat to either be disinherited or for the siblings to cheat the scapegoat out of their inheritance after the parent/parents has/have passed away.
What I learned:
1) A scapegoat may be disinherited by a parent/parents because the parent/parents is/are angry the child has stood up to them.
2) A scapegoat may decide to go NC while a parent/parents is/are alive and gets disinherited.
3) Golden children often feel very entitled to the inheritance, sometimes recruiting other siblings into making sure the scapegoat is cheated out of the inheritance, either while a parent/the parents is/are still alive or after death.
4) The scapegoat is oftentimes the child who suffers the most in terms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc., may have had many problems both physical and emotional throughout life that may have contributed to the scapegoat being the sibling that actually needs the inheritance because he/she lives in poverty. The golden child often appears to be doing quite well, has a good job, is well to do, married, though many have narcissistic traits or NPD which impairs their relationships with other people.
I have often admired members sharing that they did not need the inheritance of their parent with BPD, that is was just the malice behind being denied the inheritance that bothered them. Many members have shared how affected they have been by having a parent with BPD and all the losses involved. I can honestly say that I am not all that interested in having so many of my mom's things. It is just the malice behind not being given my share, and the hurt behind the intent of my siblings. I had expected that my siblings and I would get along better after mom died, and I am sad that it is quite the opposite.
Stories and wisdom to share?

[missing NC]

Hi Zachira,

You are not alone. I am going through a similar issue with my severely BPD-NPD sister and terminally ill mother, although the roles are reversed. I was the closest to my parents as a child and my sister was the ne'er-do-well.  Yes, I completely relate to not caring so much about the money being taken but being bothered by the treachery. However, I am bothered the most by the emotionally abuse my sister has and is inflicting on our mother to alienate her from me and my brother.  (Our mother is in the middle stages of dementia. So it's easy to lie to and manipulate her.) It's been absolutely brutal. My brother and I are spending a fortune on attorneys with no end in sight to try to get contact with our mom before she dies. Sadly, I don't think we will succeed. 

I wish you strength and healing in the months and years ahead.   

[zachira]

Missing NC,

"You are not alone. I am going through a similar issue with my severely BPD-NPD sister and terminally ill mother, although the roles are reversed. I was the closest to my parents as a child and my sister was the ne'er-do-well.  Yes, I completely relate to not caring so much about the money being taken but being bothered by the treachery. However, I am bothered the most by the emotionally abuse my sister has and is inflicting on our mother to alienate her from me and my brother.  (Our mother is in the middle stages of dementia. So it's easy to lie to and manipulate her.) It's been absolutely brutal. My brother and I are spending a fortune on attorneys with no end in sight to try to get contact with our mom before she dies. Sadly, I don't think we will succeed.

I wish you strength and healing in the months and years ahead."

I hear you and feel sad yet a kindred spirit when you talk about the emotional abuse your sister has and is inflicting on your mother to alienate her from you and your brother. My brother with BPD abused my mother in her later years, did everything he could to prevent me from seeing her, and I believe tried to get her to alter her Will. I feel sad that you are having to use attorneys to get contact with your mother before she dies. I am terribly sad about how my mother cried, sent me money so I would come visit her in the months before she died, and I knew I could not because of how my brother was controlling my access to her. Mom called me one day to say she knew there was a problem between me and my brother. I did not confirm this, as I felt talking badly about my brother would make my mother with BPD feel even more abandoned and unsafe, and my mother wanted more than anything for her children to be close to each other. I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope you and your brother do get to see your mother soon and are to do what is right for her.    

[Living Life]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this issue. It is extremely hurtful, and in my case, destroyed my previously good relationship with my brother, the golden child. I too was the scapegoat, stood up to my BPD mother, and was hated in some form ever since. My dad died a few years after the 'drawing a line in the sand' episode, then a year after he died, she enlisted my brother and his wife to help her secretly go to the attorney and change the will. I was totally disinherited, and didn't find out about it until about 6 weeks before my mother died. My brother was finally feeling guilty about it and decided he had to tell me. The hurt was incredible. They were all sworn to secrecy, and kept it secret for 6 years. Because I couldn't 'fix it' in those final 6 weeks of an ill 98 year old's life, all the aftermath was additionally blamed on me.

In the process of arguing for at least the 1/2 of my father's estate that he had wanted me to have, my brother turned into a nasty 10 year old bully (we are both in our 70's), rewrote our mutual history, and blamed everything on me. It was all pretty horrific. He ended up giving me my share of my father's half of the estate. But it was never about the money. Because of all the duplicity, the name calling, outright lies, secrecy, failure to understand how my relationship with our mother was different than his, and changing our history to his advantage, I ended up severing our relationship. It was never about the money; it was the ultimate betrayal and rejection by my mother that the money represented, and my brother and his wife's part in making it happen. It took a year and a half to get over the hurt and pain and move on.

Since then, I have likewise learned that all this is quite common. I choose to lead a life of no drama and joy, and surround myself with people who feel the same. Since all his happened, he and his wife have both had quite serious and unexpected  bouts with cancer, while I am fine. Perhaps bad karma sought out their shriveled souls.

Know that this has little to do with you, but with the other person. Embrace your innate goodness, treat others with kindness and respect, live joyfully, and good karma will find its way to you.

Take care. This too shall pass, but it extracts a heavy toll on all of us.

[zachira]

Living Life,

"It was never about the money; it was the ultimate betrayal and rejection by my mother that the money represented, and my brother and his wife's part in making it happen. It took a year and a half to get over the hurt and pain and move on." There are no words to describe the pain from such a terrible betrayal by your mother, brother, and his wife. I am glad you are over most of the hurt and pain.

"Since then, I have likewise learned that all this is quite common. I choose to lead a life of no drama and joy, and surround myself with people who feel the same. Since all his happened, he and his wife have both had quite serious and unexpected  bouts with cancer, while I am fine. Perhaps bad karma sought out their shriveled souls." Quite common and why? I think some people are so unhappy with themselves they have to make others unhappy, which seriously effects the perpetrators mental and physical health in the present and long term.

"Know that this has little to do with you, but with the other person. Embrace your innate goodness, treat others with kindness and respect, live joyfully, and good karma will find its way to you." Like you, I would never want to lower myself to stealing an inheritance. I agree that treating others with kindness and respect will attract the best people and circumstances.

"Take care. This too shall pass, but it extracts a heavy toll on all of us." Thank you for your response. I feel understood by what you have shared while I am truly sorry your mother, brother, and his wife betrayed you in such horrific ways and there is zero justification for these types of hurtful behaviors.

[Notwendy]

I have no expectation of any inheritance of value- but my father had some possesions that were sentimental to me and my children. My BPD mother knew I wanted them and at the time of his death, she was angry at me. She made a point of making sure I would not get them and either gave them away or made arrangements to sell some of them for what they may have been worth. My wish was to pass them on to my children, who loved their grandfather.

There was the grief over losing my father, and also the sentimental things as well as the family members on her side she enlisted to not speak to me. There was also the question - what were his wishes? My mother had basically disowned me. I wanted to know if it was my father's wish to do this as well. I think he loved me, and would have wanted me to have some of his things, but I wasn't able to know if it was her wish or his. This made the grief tougher- did my father love me or not?

It led me to learn about BPD and what was going on with my family of origin. I had perceived my mother as the "villain" of the pair and my father as the victim of her behaviors. As I learned to understand co-dependency, I also learned his part in the relationship. Yes, I think he loved me, but his codependency with her was like some kind of addiction- she was first and formost. He was both a father to me and yet, he allowed her to mistreat me.

What my mother didn't expect from her decision was the reaction from my children. She meant to "disown" me but wanted a relationship with them. I'm not sure how she expected to do that. She's invested in the role of "grandmother"- not really being close to them, but the position of being a grandmother. The kids were heartbroken. They loved my father. It was never about anything material. In fact, she is overly generous with them, sending them money for birthdays and such. It was that they saw how hurtful her decision was.

She has tried to "undo" this and has actually given us some of my father's things, but it's hard to undo what happened. It would have been more meaningful to gift them to us at the time of his death, saying " your father wanted you to have this".

Ironically, I now have some of the items that I wanted from my father. Having them has helped some with the loss but I miss him, the father he was when my mother wasn't with him, and he could be himself. I am grateful for those times. Sometimes he would visit me in college when on business and take me to lunch. Times like those. He also had those times with the children- played with them, read them stories. Those are the treasures.

One thing I did learn was to not take these behaviors personally. My mother's behaviors are more about her and how she is feeling than anything else. My father did the best he could with a tough situation. He provided for us, cared for us and gave us as much stability as possible. In addition, he provided well for my mother, and that is a gift to us as well- that she is financially stable. We are grateful for that.

Zachira- your siblings may have the material possessions, but they can not have the memories or the other gifts you gained from your parent when she was alive. Those are your treasures.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I am sad that your mother has treated you so badly and that your father enabled your mother. At the same time, I have respected you for along time: how you have had the courage to do everything you can to understand the warped logic behind why your parents and their supporters have mistreated you the way they have and how you have responded with maturity and self respect. For both you and I, the wake up call seems to have come about when one of our parents passed away, and how we were denied things we treasured that belonged to the deceased. I am still feeling somewhat sad, while calmly grounded in my feelings most of the time with some bouts of anger. I am also somewhat relieved while hurt to be able to understand why my two siblings with BPD are mistreating me. I believe that for them, that having mom's things means to them that mom loved them the most; it is also a reflection of their jealousy of me: that they can never have the kind of rewarding connections and wonderful kind caring friends and special relationships I have with some of the extended family. For years, I have given my siblings with BPD a pass most of the time over how badly they have treated me thinking the abuse would end when mom died. It is the opposite: my siblings do not have mom to rein them in, and they feel free to just take their unhappiness and insecurities out on me. I am glad to finally understand what is going on, so I can grieve my losses, and move on. Thank you for taking the time to respond and show that you understand and care.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Zachira-

Ironically, by trying to understand my parents' relationship, it helped me to also not see their decisions as personal. I could see that while my mother may have blamed me, her behaviors were not about me. This is an important boundary concept. My parents could think or say something about me, but that didn't mean it was true.

They were a product of a different era- fast courtships, marrying young. My mother can hold it together in social settings. What a shock it must have been when her issues became apparent-and what could they possibly have known or done in their time? He did stand up to her at first. I recall big arguments between them when I was a child. But the consequences of her not getting her way were large. She's go on rampages, trashing the house, suicide attempts. He had the demands of a job and children. Enabling her was a way to cope. Eventually it became a way of life for them.

Even now, saying "no" to her is tough. She doesn't accept it - she pushes, prods, manipulates, and persists, until it become so tough, you just give in. I've done this with her and it really is an ordeal. When my Dad was alive, I learned to also give in, because if I didn't, she'd take it out on him. As long as she has any control over something I care about, she uses it as leverage. She would take it out on my toys or belongings as a child, my father, and later, his possessions. I realized that to be able to have boundaries with her, I had to not be attached to anything she owns or has influence over. As challenging as it is to do this, I realize it was far more challenging, perhaps impossible, for my father to say no to her.

At the heart of all of this is a fear of abandonment. It's sad that her way of thinking leads her to see her family in the way she does. My parents raised some nice children- we certainly aren't perfect people but we aren't ogres or out to get her. How she perceives us isn't who we really are. Her behaviors are not about us.

The loss of your mother is still a fresh hurt, and tough to deal with for anyone. People with BPD deal with difficult feelings in dysfunctional ways. Your siblings are coping in their own dysfunctional ways. They can't see that their own difficult feelings are theirs- they project them. They are acting their grief out on you, grabbing on to your mother's possesions. I can see why you hoped your siblings would stop their abuse when your mother passed away, but instead it escalated because, it's how they are and how they cope. It wasn't about your mom, or you, even if it appeared that way.

Your task right now is to take care of you. You are grieving. Reach out to those who you know are supportive- friends, counselors. Your siblings will do what they do- but it's about them, not you.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Your story about how your father stood up to your mother at first, and her responses were so toxic that he just learned to let her have her way, is so sad. In his era, the women almost always got primary custody of the children, and he would likely have seen very little of his children.
I am really glad that you and your siblings are nice people. It sounds like you and your siblings are more like your father. It was good that he was around and you knew that you did have one parent that loved you.
I feel very unlucky in that my two siblings have inherited my mother's BPD and most of her dysfunctional behaviors: constant meltdowns, lying, gaslighting others, incapable of empathy, project their unhappiness onto others, have to be in control and always have their way, etc., I don't think they are grieving mom's death. My sister did not like mom at all. My brother claimed at one point he hated all women. I think my mother's declining health and my siblings' increasing signs of BPD with age, have acted as a catalyst for my siblings to feel freer to abuse me and exclude me.  Her death was the ultimate green light for the abuse to escalate. My brother is no longer occupied taking care of mom and he is projecting onto me the hatred of mom that he buried all these years. My sister who seems in some ways to have everything: money, husband, kids, great career (I have none of these things.) has always been worshipped by my immediate family and father's extended family for her high IQ, and was raised to be a narcissist which indeed she is. She gets extremely jealous when other people pay attention to me and like me. She is always badmouthing me to other people. I think getting mom's things is a way for her to feel that she is the one mom really loved. I think for my brother, owning mom's house is his way of saying that he is the favorite child, when in fact he was the child neither of my parents liked. He and mom abused each other to the very end, and now he no longer has mom to mistreat, so he needs a new target.
I am reaching out to friends and looking for a support group. I am also trying to find out what I can do about being denied my mother's things. If I can not do anything, then I will let it drop and move on with my life. If I can do something without too much cost of time and money, then I will. I realize sometimes we win by letting others have what they want. In the end, in many ways I am the winner. I am able to have loving relationships and care deeply for other people. I am sad that my brother and sister have inherited mom's BPD, and I feel sad when I think about them likely getting worse as mom did with age. Maybe it is a bleessing that I will hopefully no longer be in their lives. I certainly am glad that I do not have any FOG in terms of feeling that I will have to take care of them at some point as they likely become more mentally ill. Mom for nearly 20 years was on around 10 psychiatric medications which didn't really change the BPD, just allievated some of her depression.
 
 

[Notwendy]

I realize sometimes we win by letting others have what they want. In the end, in many ways I am the winner. I am able to have loving relationships and care deeply for other people.

Exactly! That's what I realized too. My mother had the material possesions but not close or loving relationships. You are the one who has the capacity to do that. Once this situation with your siblings has resolved- one way or another, you can walk away from your siblings, lead your own life.

If you can get your share, great. If the struggle costs you time and stress, then walking away from it all may be the best decision.