I've almost had enough

[thisistough93]

This is the toughest relationship I've been it it all started out great about a year ago for a few months. She was ways happy I was always happy. But a few months after that she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend and was more than once. We've been on and off for the last year and I'm a really laid back person who never typically has major relationship issues. She got diagnosed with BPD and seems it has gotten worse from here she constantly nit picks my appearance how I look how I dress how I talk. She always had frequent outbursts. She swears at me and calls me nasty names. When she gets like this I try and calm her down or just walk away from the situation but it seems like it's a lose lose situation whether I walk away or talk about it like she wants. I have recently bought us both a book the borderline personality workbook for her and the walking on egg shells borderline personality disorder workbook for people in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Anyone have any advice ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, thisistough! I’m sorry for what brings you here but I’m glad you’ve found us. We “get it.”

I hope you don’t mind if I ask a couple of questions. Is your GF in therapy?

When you feel like it, could you provide more details — like a play-by-play if a recent outburst and how you responded? Those details could help us “trouble-shoot.” There are a lot of resources here but it can get overwhelming. We can help point you to the right spots that will be most useful for you.

Again, welcome!

[BeardedRadical]

Hey thisistough,

Sounds like you're in a very similar boat to me! I'm curious, do you live with your current gf? I live with my partner, which can make a lot of these issues harder to deal with for various reasons. Nonetheless, I'm managing. It definitely is tough...

I highly recommend you read "Walking on Eggshells." I'm very happy that you've already gotten it. Read it, now. Study each chapter that's pertinent to you. Come back to them more than once. The strategies and tips they give you take some time to digest, and it's a lot of work to really analyize what's going on and how you're playing a part in all of this.

I agree with Ozzie101. Would you be able to describe how one of these arguments goes down for us?

I'd add that often I've found that my partner sets up no win situations for me. Like, she'll start an argument. If I go for a walk, or deescalate and try to give space, she'll accuse me of not loving her, etc. If I try and engage in the argument, to reason with her, I find myself spinning in circles until I'm so tired I'm at the point of breaking down and crying if I haven't already. She's a master at insults and nasty names. She knows how to dig in her attacks deep and really get a rise out of me.

Pro-Tip: there is no reasoning in these arguments. You cannot win. When she is "triggered" your best course of action is to walk away and give space. Try talking with her when she's calmer. Set boundaries (e.g. "I won't discuss this if you're yelling / calling me names") and follow up with them. Try not to take insults personally (this is so, so very hard!).

Loving someone with BPD is tough. Hang in there. I'm here for you. DM me if you want.

Best,

-BeardedRadical

[DisheartenedGuy]

I don't have much hope. Your subject says it all: I've 'almost' had enough. Its always 'almost' because all we do is try and try, and hope and hope, and forgive and yet...nothing improves. I've.tried workbooks, it won't help our relationship because she feels no need to fix it.  Things seem fine to her, and getting her to remember to brush her teeth is hard enough, let alone comitting to a workbook.  That would inconvenience her, and heaven forbid she ever think about my wants and feelings.  She's selfish, even in bed.  I've given her over 100 massages. I've received zero massages. When I suggest she give me one, she softly laughs as if I told a bad joke.

So, yeah, I feel hopeless. But if it can't be fixed, why do we stick around? Low self esteem, most likely.