Married for 10 years with 3 young kids. My wife might have BPD.

[ReasonAble]

I've been married to my wife since 2010. We started dating in 2008 (at age 19) and were married at age 21. We have 3 kids (born in 2014, 2016, and 2018). My wife has been seeing a therapist for over 1 year and recently her therapist suggested she might have BPD. After that, I read "I Hate You–Don't Leave Me" and was astonished at some of the validation I received in reading that book. While, in my opinion, I believe she is very high functioning some of the symptoms seemed spot on.

The primary conflicts that we keep having revolve around me feeling like "everything is a big deal" with her. For her, there is no such thing as a "little deal". She reacts very strongly to any criticism or perceived slight. She often treats her parents very unfairly and rudely and it has begun to bother me more and more.

For an example, the most recent "event" that occurred was when my Mom volunteered to come over to our house and babysit one evening so my wife and I could go out on a date. The day of the date, my Mom texted her and said that she would be bringing my nephew (who my parents adopted) along because my Dad had some errands. This annoyed and upset my wife because she felt my mom crossed a boundary by bringing my nephew without asking first. She didn't want him playing with our kids' toys while we weren't there and she was worried that he would make a mess. Because of this she wanted to change the plans and drop our kids at my mom's instead (meaning that we couldn't stay out as late because they couldn't be put to bed). When she asked for my opinion, I told her I disagreed and didn't see it as a big deal and tried to explain that my mom was likely trying to just make it work and not change plans on us. But, my wife, felt like it was a secret and sinister move to try to push boundaries. Like usual, when I disagreed with her, she completely broke down over it and started crying and saying I wasn't supporting her, etc. She eventually made it so basically we had to cancel the date and she texted my mom and cancelled and said it no longer would work for "us". This will likely cause unnecessary drama and hurt to my mom (who we have a rocky relationship with).

The same morning as this drama occurred, she asked me if I was playing with the kids when I came home at 4 (so she can go to the gym). I told her no, that I always work during that time (I have a remote job and can work from anywhere). I usually work outside the house in the afternoon when she and my kids are at home. I come home early so she can go to the gym and I finish up my work day while watching the kids. Apparently, she didn't know that and it upset her that I wasn't using that time to play with the kids. She starts cooking early so that dinner is ready when I come home at four and for her she thought I was using that time to play with the kids. Now, she is not going to cook because it's not allowing me to play with the kids anyways.

I am so exhausted. Everything becomes dramatic and a big deal. Nothing can be simple or easy. I feel like I've structured my whole life around trying to not upset her and keep her happy and I'm starting to realize that is an impossible game. If she is upset with me or we are not "okay", I cannot even focus on work or get things done. I have to "resolve" things before I can move on. Unfortunately, this means that I rarely confront her until I'm about to blow up. Even after confronting her, nothing changes. Any time I confront her or bring things up that upset me. She just states that I'm obviously not happy with her and don't like how she is so why don't I just leave her. I feel like she is putting me in a position where I just have to put up with it or leave a relationship that I've invested the last 12 years in and cause permanent damage to my kids by getting a divorce.

We are seeing a marriage counselor but it hasn't been helping too much. After my wife's counselor suggested BPD, it really offended my wife and she doesn't believe she has it. She's convinced that she doesn't have it.

Initially, I had some hope when the BPD was brought up and I read the book. I had hope that things would change but it doesn't seem like my wife sees it that way.

This is the first and only time I've ever reached out for support or help. I feel like horrible for even doing it. I feel like I'm betraying my wife by asking for help. Yet, I don't want to lose my marriage. I don't want to keep suffering like this. I need something to change.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, ReasonAble! Welcome!

I’m sorry for what you’re going through but you’ve come to the right place. Your story is a pretty familiar one around here. So many of us are or have been where you are and we have a lot of experience, tips and resources to share.

The good news is that there is hope. We’ve seen some pretty dire situations do a 180. But it does take time, work and patience.

One key thing I’ve learned: I was inadvertently doing things that were actually making my situation worse. Like JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). Learning how the BPD mind works can go a long way with this. It’s kind of like learning a new language, really. PwBPD often can’t handle criticism or being wrong. Knowing how to approach things can make a huge difference in outcome and, eventually, in the relationship.

Not that it’s your fault. It isn’t. But we’re strangers in a strange land with BOD and learning the customs can help.

Have you read many of the articles and workshops on the site? If not, I’d give them a read — particularly the ones about validation and empathy as a place to start.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

I hope you’ll look and tell us if anything there resonates.

[ReasonAble]

I'm currently reading through a lot of the resources and they are really helpful.

One question that keeps coming up around validating my wife's experiences is what if I disagree with the reality of her experience, or what if by validating her experience I am losing the ability for my own experience to be valid. I often feel that by focusing on validating her it is fundamentally dishonest and I'm losing my own ability to say this is reality and this is unreality.

Does that make sense?

[Ozzie101]

It does. And sometimes it’s not possible to validate (because you should never validate something that’s untrue). But you can at least try to avoid invalidating. See the difference?

And sometimes validating isn’t about confirming their version of events. It’s about validating the feelings behind it.

[ReasonAble]

That’s good advice. I didn’t initially catch the difference until you pointed it out. I started reading “High-Conflict Couples” tonight and realized how often I’m stuck in judgement. The idea of just noticing and describing is totally foreign to me. I’m not sure how I made it this far in life without being exposed to these concepts but hopefully I can learn and change.

[once removed]

This annoyed and upset my wife because she felt my mom crossed a boundary by bringing my nephew without asking first.

she has a point!

ever been in that position?

off the top of my head, i remember my best friend and i were all set to go to a concert to see one of our favorite bands. wed planned it for a long time. a day or two beforehand, he springs it on me, and asks what i think about him inviting his brand new girlfriend, whom id never met, and i couldnt imagine anything that would have been more of a downer; who wants to be the third wheel on a new couples date? on top of that, it frustrated me; why put me in charge and make me the bad guy if i say no? hes an adult.

on the other hand, stuff happens, you know your mom and know she meant well, and everything would sure be easier if your wife understood that and rolled with the punches, right?

thats the tricky part when it comes to BPD. theres often a kernel of truth...something valid that anyone would be upset or angry over. but the reaction feels disproportionate, and you just wish theyd calm down and be reasonable, right?

conflict with spouses that involves one side of the family, especially a wife and mother in law, is a tale as old as time. it comes between every couple, some more than others.

typically, a wife will feel that her spouse is choosing his mother over her. typically, a husband will feel put in the middle of it all and not know which direction to go.

The same morning as this drama occurred, she asked me if I was playing with the kids when I came home at 4 (so she can go to the gym). I told her no, that I always work during that time

she is signaling that the two of you are not on the same page when it comes to parenting responsibilities, and its not an accident that it happened after the fight. sit down together in a time of calm and discuss the schedule and responsibilities. make sure the two of you are on the same page and agree. revisit it if you have to, you most likely will, things happen.

One question that keeps coming up around validating my wife's experiences is what if I disagree with the reality of her experience, or what if by validating her experience I am losing the ability for my own experience to be valid. I often feel that by focusing on validating her it is fundamentally dishonest and I'm losing my own ability to say this is reality and this is unreality.

the ability to validate comes from the ability to empathize (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy).

its like the example i gave above. the feeling that she had really is not that unreasonable. how she reacted might have been.

validation isnt about agreeing with her experience. its about saying "okay, i get it", and that comes from a place of empathy...understanding where shes coming from, and why.

and when youre able to do that, its not about magic words or agreement. its about hearing her and where shes coming from (which, the more youre able to do that, the more likely she is to feel heard, and incidentally, the more shes likely to cool her jets). validation is sending the signal that youre not against her, but that you really get it, and want to work to get on the same page.