Trauma Bonding

[paperinkart]

Sorry to double post again today...

Do you guys believe that all BPD relationships end up with trauma bonds? Is that why we are so hellbent to “fix” it or holding on to hope that it will/can get better?

I really don’t believe the good parts of our relationship are all in my head- I know they’re real and most of our relationship is wonderful. But I’m scared I’m just attached and desperate to fix it because of my own codependency issues, not because it’s something special worth working on (writing that makes me tear up).

Does anyone have any tips on breaking a trauma bond without leaving the relationship? Does it always have to end in leaving? I’m assuming boundaries are the answer but would love more insight.

Thanks again for always being there you guys!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Do you guys believe that all BPD relationships end up with trauma bonds?

ive never found the term helpful, personally. ostensibly, a trauma bond is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, which i dont think describes what a lot of us experience.

But I’m scared I’m just attached and desperate to fix it because of my own codependency issues, not because it’s something special worth working on (writing that makes me tear up).

what is for sure is that we all have our reasons for staying. some of those may be unhealthy (for example, a person that is afraid to be alone to the extent that they remain in an unhealthy situation). aspects of the attachment may be unhealthy. those things may vary from person to person.

in other words, we tend to bring a certain amount of dysfunction into the relationship. that can fuel the relationship, the passion, the attachment, but at the same time, it breaks both parties down, and it breaks the relationship down. ideally, if we are staying, we want to work to get ourselves, and the relationship, on a healthier trajectory. thats absolutely possible to do...but its hard, and it can be uncomfortable and even scary, and it can change the relationship short term and long term.

[paperinkart]

Thank you very much for your reply!

I had honestly never heard of the term before I found it today and it made me pretty upset. I really hate to think that all of my hope and dedication is just an illusion and that I’m just a traumatized dummy for putting up with this behaviour  

I know everyone is different and my reasons for staying are valid, but for some reason, I hold a lot of shame about it. It seems like no matter what he does in a situation, it will never be enough for me to say “okay, that’s it”.

In fact, it almost strengthens my firm belief that we can someday get to a healthier, happier place.

I really appreciate all of the compassion on this board. I’m glad we all understand each other. I don’t question anyone’s reasons for staying- love is a powerful drug. I just hope we are right to soldier on and keep going.

Thanks again!

EDITED TO ADD: okay I just read that back and maybe it’s not entirely true...if he ever became physical with me, yelled at me, or called me names/belittled me in anger, that would probably be it for me

[Rev]

Sorry to double post again today...

Do you guys believe that all BPD relationships end up with trauma bonds? Is that why we are so hellbent to “fix” it or holding on to hope that it will/can get better?

I really don’t believe the good parts of our relationship are all in my head- I know they’re real and most of our relationship is wonderful. But I’m scared I’m just attached and desperate to fix it because of my own codependency issues, not because it’s something special worth working on (writing that makes me tear up).

Does anyone have any tips on breaking a trauma bond without leaving the relationship? Does it always have to end in leaving? I’m assuming boundaries are the answer but would love more insight.

Thanks again for always being there you guys!

I don't think so - there are all kinds of reasons why people stay in relationships.

The trauma bond really refers to why people stay in relationships that are abusive and for purely psychological reasons. So while the phenomenon exists, it only applies specifically, not generally.

Rev

[jaded7]

Thank you very much for your reply!

I had honestly never heard of the term before I found it today and it made me pretty upset. I really hate to think that all of my hope and dedication is just an illusion and that I’m just a traumatized dummy for putting up with this behaviour  

I know everyone is different and my reasons for staying are valid, but for some reason, I hold a lot of shame about it. It seems like no matter what he does in a situation, it will never be enough for me to say “okay, that’s it”.

In fact, it almost strengthens my firm belief that we can someday get to a healthier, happier place.

I really appreciate all of the compassion on this board. I’m glad we all understand each other. I don’t question anyone’s reasons for staying- love is a powerful drug. I just hope we are right to soldier on and keep going.

Thanks again!

EDITED TO ADD: okay I just read that back and maybe it’s not entirely true...if he ever became physical with me, yelled at me, or called me names/belittled me in anger, that would probably be it for me

I'm really interested in this topic too. I've read a lot about trauma bonding and it seems to be to be much like an addiction, say to gambling. You get enough payoffs to keep you pulling the lever, even though the in between times are not good. So the big dopamine payoff of 'love' by a return text, or a call or being nice is super powerful and keeps you coming back for more. Intermittent reinforcement.

I can say that at one point during last fall when my ud gf was into weeks of very spotty responses, days without responding to a lunch invitation or a call, me sitting around wondering what's going on, feeling abandoned and that she's pulling away because she doesn't love me anymore...during these times even a scolding IG direct message about how bad my post was and how unprofessional I am was rewarding to me: at least she cares enough to scold me (even though she's says she too busy to respond to my texts or calls, too busy to actually see me, too busy to say 'good morning' via text- all of which is provable bs).

This is complete emotional abuse and complete bs.

okay I just read that back and maybe it’s not entirely true...if he ever became physical with me, yelled at me, or called me names/belittled me in anger, that would probably be it for me



And Paperinkart...I have been subjected to very dramatic rages and name calling, in addition to the ghosting for days at a time, in addition to the withdrawing of physical connection, in addition to the blowing through any and all boundaries, in addition to weirdly 'evasive' non-communicative communication ("inside camping." was the response Sunday night when I asked her how the camping trip with friends went, when she actually never left town and just stayed at the friends house all weekend without responding to my texts to come pick up her dog she asked me to watch- no communication at all the entire weekend) designed to keep me from knowing what she's up to (e.g. leaving me out of things, making plans to do an event with friends rather than me when she knows I want to go to the event). I'm still bonded 6 weeks without talking to her.

Obviously I'm feeling frustrated and sad this morning Paperinkart. I was so happy with her when she was nice. She occasionally showed real kindness and softness toward me that touched my heart. But so much more criticism and lecturing, so much TAKING from me in terms of support and help with projects, I was willing to give anything.

[paperinkart]

I don't think so - there are all kinds of reasons why people stay in relationships.

The trauma bond really refers to why people stay in relationships that are abusive and for purely psychological reasons. So while the phenomenon exists, it only applies specifically, not generally.

Rev

Hi Rev!

Thanks so much for your reply!

Would you mind explaining a bit more about what you mean by “psychological reasons”? I feel like the reactions we get sometimes from our BPD loved ones can easily be classified as abuse (whether it’s emotional or physical). I don’t like that word and I realize it’s mostly unintentional but still, that’s the only way I can describe it.

Our “bad times” used to outweigh the good times in terms of length. We would have months of bliss before a split. Now it seems like things are just getting worse. We can barely have a few days before a split. Even though his splitting lasts way less time now (days instead of weeks or months), his reactions are becoming more severe (ex, he completely blocked my number and blocked me on social media yesterday after a little fight. In all our time together, he has NEVER done that before).

I guess I just fear I’m placing all of my hope on the ONE good phone conversation, or the sweet good morning texts and putting up with all of this just to have one more good day.

Sorry that turned into a long ramble! I just really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. I’m just a little confused by what you mean and would absolutely love to hear more!

Thanks again

Hayley

[paperinkart]

I don't think so - there are all kinds of reasons why people stay in relationships.

The trauma bond really refers to why people stay in relationships that are abusive and for purely psychological reasons. So while the phenomenon exists, it only applies specifically, not generally.

Rev

Haha me again!

Okay so I read a bit more about it and I think I can see the dividing line a little bit more clearly. It sounds like in a true trauma bond between an abuser and their loved one, the loved one has such a low opinion of self-worth that they subconsciously feel deserving of this pain. Then they blame themselves for the abusers behaviour and change their behaviour to try and make them happy.

I think in my own journey, I fully recognize that these are his issues and feelings. His reactions toward me often have nothing to do with me at all and I’m definitely not taking blame for it. I know I can’t change him. The only thing I can change is my feelings and my reactions toward his behaviour (which by default result in less conflict with him), but he’s the only one who can change himself.

Is that kind of what you meant about psychological reasons? It still seems like a bit of grey area, with overlapping symptoms, but I’ll try not to freak myself out so much haha

[Rev]

Hi Rev!

Thanks so much for your reply!

Would you mind explaining a bit more about what you mean by “psychological reasons”? I feel like the reactions we get sometimes from our BPD loved ones can easily be classified as abuse (whether it’s emotional or physical). I don’t like that word and I realize it’s mostly unintentional but still, that’s the only way I can describe it.

Our “bad times” used to outweigh the good times in terms of length. We would have months of bliss before a split. Now it seems like things are just getting worse. We can barely have a few days before a split. Even though his splitting lasts way less time now (days instead of weeks or months), his reactions are becoming more severe (ex, he completely blocked my number and blocked me on social media yesterday after a little fight. In all our time together, he has NEVER done that before).

I guess I just fear I’m placing all of my hope on the ONE good phone conversation, or the sweet good morning texts and putting up with all of this just to have one more good day.

Sorry that turned into a long ramble! I just really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. I’m just a little confused by what you mean and would absolutely love to hear more!

Thanks again

Hayley

So sure - and I'll write from a more everyday point of view and academic.

Abuse is a pretty thrown around word for sure - but it does apply. Abuse is any form of behavior that is coercive. Behind the behavior lies the motivation. SO … technically it is possible to suffer abusive behavior and we might understand that a person is suffering from a mental condition that means that while the person may not have meant it, it still has an impact.  For example, I once had a family in my care where a child and had delusions and set fire to the neighbour's house.  Using that example,  one might say that the house suffered abuse but because the motivation was not intentional, so forgiveness is easier to come by.

That's not a complete example tho. Abusive behavior is behavior that seeks to seriously control another person - where everything is black and white - where there is no compromise and where there is retribution for "non-compliance" to the demands the abuser is making of the other person.

SO as you say - some abuse is physical and some is emotional.

So that's abuse in a nustshell. 

Why would people stay in a place that is not psychological?  Money - maybe the abused partner knows the situation is not good but does not have anywhere to go. Children - there may be real reasons to make sacrifices and stay in the wake of a relationship with abusive elements. Physical danger, especially where there are kids involved.  So the point is to say that the trauma bond - based on purely co-dependent needs and where the abused person is staying out of being "manipulated" (like being conned in a way).

Hope that makes sense - and that I clarified what I was trying to say.

How do you see things? 

Rev

[paperinkart]

So sure - and I'll write from a more everyday point of view and academic.

Abuse is a pretty thrown around word for sure - but it does apply. Abuse is any form of behavior that is coercive. Behind the behavior lies the motivation. SO … technically it is possible to suffer abusive behavior and we might understand that a person is suffering from a mental condition that means that while the person may not have meant it, it still has an impact.  For example, I once had a family in my care where a child and had delusions and set fire to the neighbour's house.  Using that example,  one might say that the house suffered abuse but because the motivation was not intentional, so forgiveness is easier to come by.

That's not a complete example tho. Abusive behavior is behavior that seeks to seriously control another person - where everything is black and white - where there is no compromise and where there is retribution for "non-compliance" to the demands the abuser is making of the other person.

SO as you say - some abuse is physical and some is emotional.

So that's abuse in a nustshell. 

Why would people stay in a place that is not psychological?  Money - maybe the abused partner knows the situation is not good but does not have anywhere to go. Children - there may be real reasons to make sacrifices and stay in the wake of a relationship with abusive elements. Physical danger, especially where there are kids involved.  So the point is to say that the trauma bond - based on purely co-dependent needs and where the abused person is staying out of being "manipulated" (like being conned in a way).

Hope that makes sense - and that I clarified what I was trying to say.

How do you see things? 

Rev

I totally understand. Thanks so much for clarifying!

I completely agree with that view. It makes it easier to see the difference between the two. The diagnosis of BPD does not make such behaviour okay but it does help explain why the person might act the way they do, especially in comparison to the examples you showed above. Either way, with or without a mental health diagnosis, these people must really be hurting inside to act out in the way they do. Remembering that makes it easier to introduce compassion and empathy, instead of a “victim/victimizer” role.

I definitely don’t feel dependant on him to stay and I’m pretty sure I’m not being conned haha. Thanks again for taking the time to explain!