Feeling like I could have been a better partner

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I recently ended a two year relationship for the second time with my partner who has been diagnosed with BP traits.  Throughout the two years she has gone through some tumultuous moments in regards to physical issues, family drama and crisis, falling out with friend groups, and difficulties at school.  I've tried to be a supportive partner throughout all of her issues, listening and showing up to the best of my ability.  I never tried to judge her actions, but when I noticed they were becoming more harmful for herself and less realistic I tried to help suggest different ways of looking at the situation.  While I don't think she was unreasonable or the cause for these bad events, I was really put off by how long her grudges would last and how cruel she could feel towards people in her life.

Overtime, I realized I was getting exhausted emotionally.  I wasn't as excited to see her regularly, I started making plans with other friends in order to recharge myself and see more of my life than hers.  The times we would have chats about our own lives I put my own problems and worries aside because I kept believing that she would soon be in a better place to talk through the problems.

I withdrew emotionally and rarely discussed how I was feeling about the relationship, if some of her actions and words hurt my feelings, that I felt her not feel comfortable being affectionate with me, that I felt like a support person and not a partner after awhile.  These feelings bubbled up until I was panicking and drinking more to try to mitigate the burnout I was facing.  When she would open up the conversation to be about how we were doing as a relationship I would panic and breakup with her.  Not fully expressing all I had been feeling, but trying to hint at the fact that while I did care for her I did not feel cared for.

I originally came back to her the first time to give her more of my time, be more emotionally honest with her and invest more of myself in the relationship.  But fairly soon I would fall back into the same feeling of being ostracized from the relationship, even though I was trying to show up to the best of my abilities.  I was in more communication with her, I called regularly to check in, I went to her house to cook with her and stayed over night when I could.  But I never felt like it was enough, and she never said that she appreciated the care and affection I had been trying to do better at.

So I broke up with her again after she said that she couldn't see me sticking around long term, as in if I didn't feel strongly enough about the relationship it would be best it ended.  Which hurt me because I had invested so much of myself in the relationship I felt like I was losing sight of my own life.

Now what I'm stuck with is feelings that I never communicated my needs of feeling affection and validation, or that I did not push for more quality time with her in the form of spending multiple days together - planning future events with her.  I keep thinking I was at fault for not trying harder to be more committed to the relationship and trusting her.  If I did those things, if I was more vulnerable, she would have felt more safe in expressing her love for me more regularly?

I'm stuck feeling like I did not fight for myself in this relationship and if I did, if I went back and said what I needed and how I needed it, and we worked together to ensure we both were getting the sorts of things we want out of a relationship - it would feel stronger.  Instead I left after shuttering my own emotions and fears and frustrations to her, which effectively broke her trust in me and what relationships should be.

Is there anything to be done?  Is talking to her and expressing these things now that we are done something that would help? 

[Aphra]

Hi,

I recently ended a two year relationship for the second time with my partner who has been diagnosed with BP traits.  Throughout the two years she has gone through some tumultuous moments in regards to physical issues, family drama and crisis, falling out with friend groups, and difficulties at school.  I've tried to be a supportive partner throughout all of her issues, listening and showing up to the best of my ability.  I never tried to judge her actions, but when I noticed they were becoming more harmful for herself and less realistic I tried to help suggest different ways of looking at the situation.  While I don't think she was unreasonable or the cause for these bad events, I was really put off by how long her grudges would last and how cruel she could feel towards people in her life.

Overtime, I realized I was getting exhausted emotionally.  I wasn't as excited to see her regularly, I started making plans with other friends in order to recharge myself and see more of my life than hers.  The times we would have chats about our own lives I put my own problems and worries aside because I kept believing that she would soon be in a better place to talk through the problems.

I withdrew emotionally and rarely discussed how I was feeling about the relationship, if some of her actions and words hurt my feelings, that I felt her not feel comfortable being affectionate with me, that I felt like a support person and not a partner after awhile.  These feelings bubbled up until I was panicking and drinking more to try to mitigate the burnout I was facing.  When she would open up the conversation to be about how we were doing as a relationship I would panic and breakup with her.  Not fully expressing all I had been feeling, but trying to hint at the fact that while I did care for her I did not feel cared for.

I originally came back to her the first time to give her more of my time, be more emotionally honest with her and invest more of myself in the relationship.  But fairly soon I would fall back into the same feeling of being ostracized from the relationship, even though I was trying to show up to the best of my abilities.  I was in more communication with her, I called regularly to check in, I went to her house to cook with her and stayed over night when I could.  But I never felt like it was enough, and she never said that she appreciated the care and affection I had been trying to do better at.

So I broke up with her again after she said that she couldn't see me sticking around long term, as in if I didn't feel strongly enough about the relationship it would be best it ended.  Which hurt me because I had invested so much of myself in the relationship I felt like I was losing sight of my own life.

Now what I'm stuck with is feelings that I never communicated my needs of feeling affection and validation, or that I did not push for more quality time with her in the form of spending multiple days together - planning future events with her.  I keep thinking I was at fault for not trying harder to be more committed to the relationship and trusting her.  If I did those things, if I was more vulnerable, she would have felt more safe in expressing her love for me more regularly?

I'm stuck feeling like I did not fight for myself in this relationship and if I did, if I went back and said what I needed and how I needed it, and we worked together to ensure we both were getting the sorts of things we want out of a relationship - it would feel stronger.  Instead I left after shuttering my own emotions and fears and frustrations to her, which effectively broke her trust in me and what relationships should be.

Is there anything to be done?  Is talking to her and expressing these things now that we are done something that would help? 

[Trobert]

I understand how you feel. You did the best you could to be in the relationship, to listen to her, to enjoy the relationship. You even tried a 2nd time around, although it turned out to be unsuccessful.

Bottom line, you gave so much of yourself, that there is hardly anything left for you. You were not being heard, because it seems as though she was unable to hear.

It seems as though you were not getting anything out of the relationship, even though you cared for her. It also seems you realized that she is incapable of being in a relationship.

So, I commend you for supporting yourself. You have needs in a relationship. A counselor friend of mine calls this being "self-full", not selfish.

My wife, as caring as she can be, does not know how to be in a relationship. In fact, I think she is scared in so many ways. She does her best to distance herself from me with her work, with her schooling, and being away oftentimes.

The difference between you and me is that it sounds like you are not married to her, and you have the freedom to move on. I, however, have committed so much time and so much money in particular, that my worth in the relationship is to bring in the money. In fact, she told me I chose the wrong profession, because she has extra expenses of her own choosing that I am unable to pay for. Meantime, I pay the major bills.

[jaded7]

Hi,

I recently ended a two year relationship for the second time with my partner who has been diagnosed with BP traits.  Throughout the two years she has gone through some tumultuous moments in regards to physical issues, family drama and crisis, falling out with friend groups, and difficulties at school.  I've tried to be a supportive partner throughout all of her issues, listening and showing up to the best of my ability.  I never tried to judge her actions, but when I noticed they were becoming more harmful for herself and less realistic I tried to help suggest different ways of looking at the situation.  While I don't think she was unreasonable or the cause for these bad events, I was really put off by how long her grudges would last and how cruel she could feel towards people in her life.

Overtime, I realized I was getting exhausted emotionally.  I wasn't as excited to see her regularly, I started making plans with other friends in order to recharge myself and see more of my life than hers.  The times we would have chats about our own lives I put my own problems and worries aside because I kept believing that she would soon be in a better place to talk through the problems.

I withdrew emotionally and rarely discussed how I was feeling about the relationship, if some of her actions and words hurt my feelings, that I felt her not feel comfortable being affectionate with me, that I felt like a support person and not a partner after awhile.  These feelings bubbled up until I was panicking and drinking more to try to mitigate the burnout I was facing.  When she would open up the conversation to be about how we were doing as a relationship I would panic and breakup with her.  Not fully expressing all I had been feeling, but trying to hint at the fact that while I did care for her I did not feel cared for.

I originally came back to her the first time to give her more of my time, be more emotionally honest with her and invest more of myself in the relationship.  But fairly soon I would fall back into the same feeling of being ostracized from the relationship, even though I was trying to show up to the best of my abilities.  I was in more communication with her, I called regularly to check in, I went to her house to cook with her and stayed over night when I could.  But I never felt like it was enough, and she never said that she appreciated the care and affection I had been trying to do better at.

So I broke up with her again after she said that she couldn't see me sticking around long term, as in if I didn't feel strongly enough about the relationship it would be best it ended.  Which hurt me because I had invested so much of myself in the relationship I felt like I was losing sight of my own life.

Now what I'm stuck with is feelings that I never communicated my needs of feeling affection and validation, or that I did not push for more quality time with her in the form of spending multiple days together - planning future events with her.  I keep thinking I was at fault for not trying harder to be more committed to the relationship and trusting her.  If I did those things, if I was more vulnerable, she would have felt more safe in expressing her love for me more regularly?

I'm stuck feeling like I did not fight for myself in this relationship and if I did, if I went back and said what I needed and how I needed it, and we worked together to ensure we both were getting the sorts of things we want out of a relationship - it would feel stronger.  Instead I left after shuttering my own emotions and fears and frustrations to her, which effectively broke her trust in me and what relationships should be.

Is there anything to be done?  Is talking to her and expressing these things now that we are done something that would help? 

I am feeling the same thing. I knew nothing about bpd or npd thinking or feelings.

I employed way too much JADE when attacked for no reason, or savaged with name calling, or manipulated or gaslighted. I was under the impression that logic and facts would work. I believed she could see how much I loved her, how I would do anything for her. I thought that responding immediately to her calls, texts would show her that. I thought that coming over to her place any time she asked, for whatever reason would show her that I'm committed to her well being and happiness.

I told her how beautiful she was, I always told her what a great Mom she is. I always supported her unconditionally in her never-ending struggles with her ex-husband. I told her I understood when she said she was too busy to meet up with me for plans we'd made. I supported her in her struggles with her teenage son, told her how great a kid he is. Enjoyed spending time with him.

None of this seemed to matter. I always was doing something 'wrong', always not good enough in one way or another. Always criticized, always lectured.

I simply could not understand it.

My feelings got hurt...a lot. I tried so hard to understand, tried to make sense of the mood swings, the ghosting and the anger when I couldn't guess what she needed. Tried to be patient when she told me I was the worst driver ever, when she forgot my birthday as I watched her dog for 3 weeks (but then she savaged me for giving her a 'sh*tty birthday present 5 weeks later).

Nothing made sense. I tried to explain to her that she seems to be very critical and all I want to do is love her. I tried to explain to her that I never criticized her or made fun of her clothing, work, interests, friends, etc.

I began walking on eggshells, wondering what would make her mad or annoyed. I became a shell of myself...fearful and always wondering and worrying what was going on. Trying to figure out why she wasn't returning my calls or texts, trying to ascertain what I had done wrong.

So I tried harder to just be there for her, but the tests were set up in such a way that I would constantly fail, then she would be mad at me again and say "I couldn't take care of her." Which is, of course, all I wanted to do.

I am filled with self-doubt now, wondering how I could have been better. But when I think rationally, I know that I never tried to hurt her, never yelled at her or called her names, never intentionally forgot anything...

[Lucky Jim]

Is there anything to be done?  Is talking to her and expressing these things now that we are done something that would help?

Hey Aphra, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar.  No, there's nothing to be done.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.  No, in my view it wouldn't help if you expressed those "things" now, because your Ex is unlikely to hear what you have to say.  Many of us have recycled, including me, only to wind up in the same place farther down the line, except with more pain.

My suggestion: return the focus to you and your needs.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

The fact I didnt feel comfortable to talk back then is just evidence in itself that it was not a relationship for me.

I never expressed myself at times when the opportunity was there to do so, I had good reasons not to. It is not just because I felt she lacked the empathy to understand it (this was part of it) but I didnt want to inadvertantly set of a cascade that led to ww3 and I knew and had already witnessed the unpredictability of how she could react.

It was easier, safer, to add nothing to potentially fuel a fire. Especially in the context that I was told intermittently that I "knew how to push her buttons" and triggered her so much. When you get that from someone where the blame for their lack of emotional self control will be blamed on others (I preferred her blaming others at least when she ranted) than to be the one in her firing arc.

Is this really the sort of quality relationship I should have wanted to continue? I wish I would have asked myself this, reflected on it stronger at the time, but even if I had - leaving her was more complex than just not being able to communicate. Eventually it just becomes a feature of the relationship anyway, scary but one can get used to it over time, a form of conditioning, to the point where it is not even regarded as an issue anymore.

I get where the regret comes from, maybe you beat yourself up about it in todays terms but there is no way of knowing how doing anything different than what you did would have made the situation any better than you find yourself in now.