Husband might have Bpd

[Figurethisout]

I have been in a relationship with my husband for about 12 years. We have children together. After ten years of turbulence, I left with my children. This was about five months ago. I have been going to therapy to try and piece together how my life became so turbulent. My husband went from making me feel loved and special at the start of our marriage to making me feel like nothing. He is harsh with his words, yet is kind with others outside of our home. I only see this side of him. It even has me fooled sometimes. Every time I confront him, I am either obsessive (I try to prove that I am not as bad as he makes me) or over dramatic, or over sensitive. Every time I try to attempt to resolve something, he avoids, and I forget what my main point was. At the end everything is always my fault, and to come him down during his outburst where he is verbally abusive, I take the fault. I make mistakes, but I can not always be the cause of everything that is wrong. He makes me feel like this horrible person, but I am not. I do not know what I did to him until this day. But since I left, I went no-contact for the first month. His heart has grown colder. He does respond if my family calls. Says he does not want a divorce. He has come here for some visits and insists that I come along when he sees the kids. Then, I will tell him that if he is so unhappy with me, lets call it quits. He goes crazy if I mention divorce and says your life will be crazy if you do. First, surrender your children completely and you will inherit any debt I have. Then, I try to be loving. He reciprocates, then leaves and acts cold and distant again. He keeps making us feel like a burden on him (the kids and I) this is not someone who is acting like he misses his family. He bought a sports car and changed our dining table to only suit him. Could he want divorce but only be scared of his reputation (even though I have offered to file) he says no, then if he is angry he says do it and get it over with. I am only holding on cause we have kids together. I do not want to break up a house if I am misreading things. But I am confused. Any help would be great! Thanks so much for your time!   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, and I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You have searched for answers and your gut-level response is you know your H has BPD.  NPD is very similar.  In fact, those with BPD can have NPD features.

My uBPD H is the same in many ways. Sadly, I have stayed with my H for 20 years.  Early in our marriage, I knew something was "off."  My H would rage, call me the worst names and make divorce threats. 

The chameleon or "Jekyll and Hyde" aspect of BPD is familiar to many of us here.  Ditto for the blaming.

Educate and protect yourself.   You know the process of "idealization, devaluation and discard" is the process of BPDs and NPDs.  Make sure you have financial resources in the event he leaves.  Protect your children.

It's called "crazy making" for a reason.  Bear in mind it's not your fault.  For whatever reason, likely something rooted in his childhood, your H is unstable. 

You appear to know the dynamics at work in BPD.  You are not powerless.