Panicking. Universities moving to online due to virus

[twocrazycats]

I am sitting here crying. We are in the U.S., and my BPD dd goes to college and lives at the university. Her living there is the only thing that has helped our relationship. This week she is home on spring break. She just told me that due to the coronavirus, several of her friends' colleges are switching to all online classes after this week. Two of those colleges are in the same state system as my daughter's. My daughter's university has not yet announced anything. I am praying that they stay open and keep their students on campus.

I have literally been counting the days until my dd goes back. She functions pretty well at college with friends, distractions, etc. At home, just the two of us, it's awful. Also, she is a music major. Online classes will not work for orchestra, choir or any of her chamber ensembles. They simply cannot be done online. I guess, if they close, she'd lose all those credits? Also, I have paid many thousands of dollars for room and board for her for this semester. So I paid for her food at school, and now I'd have to pay to feed her at home? I'm sure these schools are not planning to refund all the money.

But mostly, the two of us in the house together is a nightmare. I am not afraid of this  **** virus. I am over 60 (the demographic with a higher fatality rate, unlike young college students), and I am very confident I would survive the virus. I am not at all sure I will survive her being home the rest of the semester if they go all online. The thought of that makes me seriously not want to live.

A very upset 2CC.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I care. I was raised by a mother with BPD and have two siblings with BPD. Certainly time spent with a person with BPD is emotionally exhausting. I am wondering if there are ways for you and your daughter to not see so much of each other if she does come to stay with you. Your daughter seems to behave better around people she is not so close to which is what I experience with my family members with BPD. Is there some way to have others around, possibly have someone else in your home that your daughter will treat you better in front of than she does in private? Can you change your schedule so you don't see her so much? My brother with BPD and my mother with BPD lived together for years, and often did not see each other for a week in the same house, as he slept during the day. Can you tell us what might make things easier if your daughter were to come to stay at your house for an extended period of time?

[twocrazycats]

Thank you, Zachira, for responding and for caring. So we just found out that the university is extending the spring break by a week. Hopefully they won't go beyond that (not one single confirmed case in the county, as I might have mentioned). But even that is upsetting.

The only thing that could make it more bearable is for us to go away somewhere. Her friends from college who are good influences and are stable live far from us. The only friends she has here are very bad influences, including the xbf who contributed to last summer being a living nightmare. And now she's found out he's been selling drugs as well as using them. I'm so afraid she'll go back to him out of boredom.

I think I'm going to look into ways to get her to one college friend's house, which is way farther than I feel comfortable driving, but still. My dd mentioned doing this. And finding somewhere for the two of us to go. Not that she loves being with me, but she can tolerate it, and at least she wouldn't be around the negative influences.

My dd doesn't do well with time at home. And therefore I don't do well with her having time at home. This week, in fact, she's been sick with a bad cold. And it's awful, but I've been thinking, if she can just stay sick until it's time to go back, it will keep her out of trouble. And now there's another week. And she's already feeling a lot better, though not 100%.

I'm still very upset over this but trying to come up with things to keep her busy.

2CC

[PeaceMom]

2CC,
I totally feel for you. You will have no control over what the school decides to do with in person classes this spring, but maybe you can go ahead and play “what if” in your mind. Come up with some workable solutions. My T says not addressing my worst case scenarios leaves them sitting like an elephant in the corner of my mind. If your DD is anything like mine, she’s already becoming paranoid about the virus so she’s likely on edge and fearful. I try to be very steady during these scary world crises -I give the facts and the recommended advice for staying healthy and safe.

My fears can just run wild when it comes to being around DD, so mindfulness, yoga, walking, relaxing music are my go-tos. Actually, I try to get out of the house as much as possible, telling her “I’ll be back in __hours” so she doesn’t think I’m sneaking away. Hang in there!

[twocrazycats]

So actually it says on the college website that the extra week off is for faculty to prepare in case they do switch to all online. This is a nightmare. DD's worst depression and anxiety happened when she finished two high school years online. Well, it was a vicious cycle. The anxiety caused her to not be able to go to school. Then doing school online caused her to become very depressed. Living at college was like therapy for her.

Actually, she is not at all worried about the virus. She knows how many people die from regular flu and how few, in comparison, have died from this virus. She has been watching documentaries about how the virus started, etc. and thinks these closings are overreactions.

Honestly, I couldn't worry about the virus right now if I wanted to. I'm too worried about our mental state, hers and mine. And speaking for myself, my own mental state is not at all good right now. I had found some peace of mind while she was away at school. That is now gone. All gone...

2CC

[livednlearned]

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, just wanted to reach out and say I understand.

Distance has helped me so much with SD23 and she'll be coming to stay indefinitely (the school where she teaches is closing until further notice).

Going away together sounds like a good plan.

As long as it's not a cruise

Is that something she will agree to?

[twocrazycats]

And now they're saying in-person classes are cancelled until March 29. Which is at least better than all semester, if they really do reopen then.

I'm just not dealing with this well at all. And then, to make matters worse, I went to my usual Friday night Al-Anon meeting, one of the few things that keeps me sane, since dd went out with friends I don't even know and I'm worrying about all the usual things. And they say that the Al-Anon meetings are cancelled for the foreseeable future. I'm just done.
2CC

[1hope]

I can relate to how you are feeling. Our dd is also home from college due to shut down for covid19.  They are looking at doing the rest of the year online too.  Our dd is 21, and has not lived at home since she suddenly moved out at 18, so this is a period of adjustment for all of us.   Like you, we deal with her much better when she is away from home.  To make matters worse, our province is recommending “social distancing”, meaning we should avoid going to public places.  This means that we are all in the house unless we go for a drive or walk (which we have been doing).  I’m just trying to remember that I need to take care of myself, as I don’t have my usual outlets (going to gym, meeting friends).  I am spending some time alone when possible, reading etc.  Please remember to take care of yourself first, and remember that you are not alone.

[twocrazycats]

And the final straw was that even my Al-Anon meetings have been canceled until further notice. Nothing. I know Al-Anon has online meetings, but it's not the same. So everyone is going to be working online, going to school online, and now even things like Al-Anon have to be done online. Will the internet even be able to handle it all? I really hope so.

My dd has still been going out with friends. Last night she said she felt manic. That's usually the worst. But then comes the depression. That's bad in a different way.

I know this virus can be serious. But, for my family, I'm still more concerned about surviving the mental health implications of this lock down situation. Very concerned. And I'm still wondering, is anyone tracking if there's an increase in the suicide rate due to NO LONGER HAVING ANY VESTIGE OF A NORMAL LIFE?

2CC

[Wanders]

I support the idea of online universities and distance learning. Don't know why students should attend lessons if they have personal computers and high-speed internet connection. I've been working a lot with https://studenterra.com/ since I started learning. They helped me a lot and did everything online.