How do I handle splitting over Coronavirus?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First of all, everyone was right when they said that my BPDh wouldn't be able to go away for a year for his specialized mechanics training. He packed up, left, stayed one night in the room he rented, and turned back around, cancelling everything. Of course, he swore up and down that he was going to do the course he looked at here. Yet, instead, he's spent the last two days on Twitter, spinning himself up over Coronavirus.

A couple of hours ago, he sent me a photo of a loaded cart from the grocery store, saying he was "stocking up" because we'd probably be sheltered in place for weeks. He started spinning out about what we were going to do when all of the grocery store shelves were bare. My BPD-specialist therapist said that I just need to let him spin out, but I'm wondering if anyone has advice on what to say to him. I know I'm going to get home from work and he's going to want me to freak out with him. How do I avoid playing into his fantasies without invalidating him?

[WitzEndWife]

First of all, everyone was right when they said that my BPDh wouldn't be able to go away for a year for his specialized mechanics training. He packed up, left, stayed one night in the room he rented, and turned back around, cancelling everything. Of course, he swore up and down that he was going to do the course he looked at here. Yet, instead, he's spent the last two days on Twitter, spinning himself up over Coronavirus.

A couple of hours ago, he sent me a photo of a loaded cart from the grocery store, saying he was "stocking up" because we'd probably be sheltered in place for weeks. He started spinning out about what we were going to do when all of the grocery store shelves were bare. My BPD-specialist therapist said that I just need to let him spin out, but I'm wondering if anyone has advice on what to say to him. I know I'm going to get home from work and he's going to want me to freak out with him. How do I avoid playing into his fantasies without invalidating him?

[formflier]

So is the course done...forever or?

I wish I knew something else to offer, but staying out of his way is likely best.  Perhaps think about boundaries if he tries something extreme (basically make sure he can't empty bank account on sanitizer or something like that)

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

Hello WEW,

no doubt this has been a tough two weeks for anyone that struggles with anxiety or highly intense emotions.     

follow your therapists advice,... let him spin out, attempting to make him feel better will likely be counter productive right now.

be honest.   say "I don't know what to say to you".     I would suggest as much neutrality as you can manage.    at to validate only things that are factual,  not feeling based.    "yes,  this has been all over the media for days now".    not "oh my gosh the media coverage has been horrible".     

protect your own emotional reserves.    don't engage.   

my two cents
'ducks

[Notwendy]

Look at the big picture here. This isn't about the virus. The virus is the latest reason for his anxieties that are projected on to the "reason du jour". Since he isn't able to manage his own emotions and tends to see them as being caused by something external ( and that is constantly changing since fixing the external doesn't work) - the virus is now just his latest reason.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey, I've stocked up the pantry with lots of food, bought food for the pets and livestock for months. It is possible there will be supply chain disruption. But from what I've heard in China, that hasn't been a big problem there. In Italy, it might be a different story.

My husband thought I was overreacting when I put hand sanitizers in his cars along with disposable gloves for pumping gas and disinfectant wipes. Now he's wiping his cars door handles and steering wheels as well as the doorknobs on our house.

This is a pandemic and who knows how bad it might get. Not good to panic, but remember the lessons from scouting--be prepared.

[Fian]

This can be a challenging thing.  Personally, my wife and I are planning to visit a Disney theme park this weekend to take advantage of the smaller lines while others are huddling at home.  However, if your spouse is truly afraid of the virus, they are only protected from the virus, if you don't get the virus.  So they won't want you to leave the house, and to practice better hygiene to avoid getting sick.

I would put this in the same category as watching a movie that you don't like because your spouse wants to watch the movie.  If you putting extra effort to avoid the virus makes your spouse feel safer, then put in the extra effort.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks all. I'm not even so much worried about being prepared. I agree that it's not a bad thing to prepare, but he's legitimately freaking out and obsessing over it. He was up until 1 a.m. last night clinging to every last drop of news he could. He's on social media all day long, spinning up and up. He BEGGED me not to go to work today. I work in a small building and I have my own office. We are meeting to decide whether to have everyone work from home until we have word that things are being contained.

I know he's using it as an excuse to place his anxieties in it. I'm trying to be like, "Look, I know you're worried about this, and I understand, but experts aren't telling everyone to bunker down at home yet. I'm washing my hands and doing what's recommended and I'm not going to go out unnecessarily until we know we have a handle on it." He is texting me all morning about new big event closings. I don't want to just give into and be controlled by his anxiety, but I'm also trying to be smart about a very real health crisis. I'm trying to balance it and be the adult in the room. It's hard.

And, yes, FF, he's not doing his program. They said he could come back and re-enroll when he wants to, but I'm betting that chapter is behind him. And now he'll use Coronavirus as an excuse not to look into community college classes or find out which auto dealerships are hiring.

[formflier]

What was the reason for him coming back from the program?   Or list of reasons.

When he came back, did you ask him about his plans for the future, how he was going to provide?

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Well, HIS reasons were:
- He didn't want to be away from me and the dogs
- He hated his new living situation because the guy from whom he was renting a room's house was "cluttery" (which, knowing him, could be an average person's accumulation of "stuff" - not a hoarder situation)
- He suddenly was worried about borrowing tens of thousands of dollars to go to school, when he could get similar training at a community college

But, of course, if you ask me, he was afraid of "adulting" on his own and afraid of failure.

I had yelled at him when he told me over the phone he was quitting and told him he'd better have a plan and act on it if he planned to come back home - no moping about and doing nothing. He said he was motivated to go take classes at the community college and look for work at a dealership or garage.

Of course, the day after he came home, he started obsessing over Coronavirus, and he told me, "Do you think anyone is hiring right now?" I said, "You don't know unless you ask." He went off on a tangent about the disease and started spinning up, so I dropped it and had to walk away. He is seriously losing it over this thing, and I'm 100 percent certain it's a welcome distraction to keep from having to act on his future.

[babyducks]

he's legitimately freaking out and obsessing over it. He was up until 1 a.m. last night clinging to every last drop of news he could. He's on social media all day long, spinning up and up. He BEGGED me not to go to work today. …..

 He is texting me all morning about new big event closings. I don't want to just give into and be controlled by his anxiety, but I'm also trying to be smart about a very real health crisis. I'm trying to balance it and be the adult in the room. It's hard.

boundaries.   reasonable.  rational.  boundaries.    sounds like you have them.   I would suggest you try not to get sucked into the maelstrom he is experiencing.   

this pandemic is going to be hard on the mental health community... the higher level of anxiety and conflict we are all experiencing...    it will be hard to keep yourself balanced and appropriately responsive.

what are you doing for self care today?

[formflier]

I had yelled at him when he told me over the phone he was quitting and told him he'd better have a plan and act on it if he planned to come back home - no moping about and doing nothing. 

Had you thought up a "quitting plan" before he left? 

I have to wonder what he would have done if the option was "don't come home without a degree/certificate...?"

How long is the current situation financially doable?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

If you look at the pattern, I think you would see that there's always a "reason" other than taking personal responsibility.

It's hard to be motivated to deal with the discomfort of being on your own if there's always a nice comfy place to come back to. He has no real motivation to endure a challenge when he has you to provide for him.

One thing you need to consider is if he is even capable of taking adult responsibilties. I say this because, even if he appears to act like an adult, he may still be seriously mentally ill. Then you have another decision to make. One is to accept that at his level of impairment, he won't be able to achieve independence and continue to take care of him. The other is to decide you don't want to do this indefinitely and seek some sort of support situation for him such as a group home or something? He would need to meet some criteria for that.

If he is capable of taking care of himself, then he's choosing to take the easy way out and have you do it. You need to decide if you want to do this or not. But if this is the case as long as he has you to enable him, I don't see him choosing a tougher way.

I saw this pattern with my BPD mother. She graduated from college, later she even got more certifications in other areas. We would watch her try something- and think maybe this is going to be it- she will succeed. She didn't have to support herself, my father provided that, but we all hoped she'd be competent at something whether it was volunteer work, a hobby, anything. But the honest truth is that my mother is not emotionally capable of sticking to things. She's just not. Dad knew that and he left enough for her to have assistance at home. It appears "normal" now because she is elderly but she truly needs that much assistance.

Rather than wait for your H to "see the light" and make steps to be an adult, maybe consider whether or not he actually can.

[WitzEndWife]

As far as my H is concerned, he informed me after he'd quit everything that he'd quit everything. I actually did say he wasn't allowed back - at first - but then he manipulated me by saying he was going to leave the car on the side of the road and give me the coordinates and I'd "never have to worry about him again." The thing with him is, since he has attempted suicide in the past when he was younger, there's always a part of me that takes him seriously when he makes threats like this. Him being in another state driving along the interstate, I had no way of managing that situation.

My therapist and I have an action plan in regards to his "adulting" plan. I'm going to sit back for two weeks and say nothing except positively reinforce his "good" actions toward working and going to school. After two weeks, if nothing is moving forward, I will expose my "hand" by telling him I've been sitting back and observing his actions and he hasn't done anything, basically giving him two more weeks to take action or things won't work out - so that he's not blindsided at the end of a month when I've had enough. I can't keep taking care of him. i don't want to. And I don't believe that he isn't capable of working. He does when he wants to. Yes, he needs to manage his anxiety - he has the worst anxiety I've ever seen in a person - but that is definitely something he COULD manage if he wanted to, and could even take medication for. He refuses therapy, he refuses meditation, he refuses DBT or CBT - he just wants to spin in his own mind. That said, I do agree that if he thinks he has a cushy place to land, he has no initiative to move forward and do something. Sure, he could go back to his "mommy," but she won't live forever. He needs to learn how to take care of himself as an adult. Enough is enough with me though. I am so sick of being battered back and forth by all of his nonsense.

[formflier]

  I had no way of managing that situation.
 

So if you could have "managed" it, you wouldn't have let him back in the house? 

Why not let him (fill in the blank) and find out for sure if he is bluffing? 

So...do I understand that if no adult plan is actually "done" (vice "talked about/planned for") that he is out by end of the month?

I say it this way because I doubt you will get something one way or another, he'll do "something", change directions, split over an issue, plan some more, undo whatever was done, start on a new path (I could go on)

Your plan is a good one as long as you have well defined "measures" to determine if he is doing "it" or not.  (don't let him know those...)


Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Yeah, I will manage the expectations. My thoughts around this are if he a) signs up for classes, b) goes out and applies to jobs, and then if he holds onto his classes and jobs. If this is what he says he wants, this is the lowest possible bar for him to accomplish it. If not, I can't deal with it. He can go back to his mommy's teat.

[Notwendy]

Not to go against your T, but I am not sure this is an approach that can work. PWBPD can get it together for a short time when highly motivated. I think he will start to do something under the threat of " if you don't, this won't work out". The problem is- the motivation is the threat/fear, not his own internal motivation. Once the threat isn't present, the motivation will diminish. He may sign up for the class, but-- he has to then go to class, do the work, take the tests and so on.

I agree to not blindside him, but this plan also puts YOUR decision in his hands. It makes continuing the situation dependent on what he does, not what you decide is best for you.

One reason this is continuing like it is is because you are undecided yourself. You don't have a firm boundary. This is your decision to make. If you decide this situation is not what you want, then you can make plans about what to do. If he can return to his mother- great.

I am sorry about the suicide fear. My mother has attempted suicide too. She's made threats. I know this scared my father. However, this also makes you a sort of hostage to them. You are not responsible for this decision. I hope he doesn't do that, but making a threat like he did "leave the car..." also has a manipulative aspect to it. You also have the choice to call 911 if you hear this again. If he's truly a risk to himself, he needs professional help.

[WitzEndWife]

I think the plan has to be ongoing, but the idea is to set up markers along the way. Now, with the whole coronavirus thing, classes are cancelled anyway, so we have to wait on that a bit. Once the whole thing is contained and there's widespread testing available, that will be another story. We're in very weird times, indeed.