So discouraged

[Bandiro]

Sitting here in a hotel on the last day of my vacation, and I’m just so sad. D18 came with us on a week vacation to a beautiful tropical location, and I was really hoping we could connect and enjoy each other’s company. Well, that didn’t happen, not by a long shot. While she didn’t have any rage episodes for most of the week, she also didn’t show any enthusiasm whatsoever about being on this really amazing vacation. I’m sure she spoke less than 100 words to me for the whole week we were together. She refused to participate in most of the activities we planned. When I tried to engage her in conversation, or get her excited about an activity, she would either not respond at all, or respond with vitriol. It’s almost like she has to work twice as hard to make a point that she is not having any fun. My husband and I just tried to enjoy our vacation and include her if she wanted to be included, and do our own thing if she opted not to join us. We just went about our week acting like her depressed, non communicative behavior was normal. I kept telling myself “at least she’s not throwing temper tantrums.” Until she did. Tonight, our last night here. When 1 small thing happened to upset her, and I refused to fix it for her (she could have easily fixed it for herself). I managed to stay calm through her toddler like tantrum, and when she “threatened” that she wouldn’t get on the plane tomorrow, I realized I would be ok with that. The thought of leaving her here, very far from home, would actually be a relief. She might learn some survival skills that don’t involve me bailing her out, and I could move on with my life. Pretty sad that it’s come to this. But the thought of living with her while she mopes through life completely depressed and always the victim, with absolutely no gratitude for the opportunities she has, is too much for me to handle. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m sitting her crying as I type this. Because I’ve finally realized that happiness may never be in her future, and I don’t want her misery to be my future.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 Even though you have every right to be sad, there is growth on your part as well. You and husband kept on powering through the vacay in spite of DD's moods. 
You also didn't cave when she stated she would stay behind.  Feel sadness, yes, but marvel at the fact you don't have any desire to baby her and to be held hostage by her emotional dips. 
Pay attention to your feelings - you are obliged to.  If not you, then who?

[incadove]

Hi Bandiro

I just want to say, 18 in particular is a really tough time for some bpd children, it may feel like abandonment is coming all over again for them when they are about to leave home. 

Good on you for having your vacation anyway and not being reactive to her moods.  That is hard for me!

Detaching with love and having smaller expectations and small goals might help make the whole business less sad and depressing.  You mention

the thought of living with her while she mopes through life completely depressed and always the victim

Does your dd have any plans for college or hopes of leaving home to do something in her future?  Do you think there are things she wants to do but is afraid to try?

[Bandiro]

Thanks for the replies. I was in a bad place when I posted,  because I’m realizing I might never have a normal relationship with my daughter. I was really disappointed that she didn’t make any effort to connect, talk, interact, laugh, cry, whatever. It’s the first time in awhile that we have spent any time together without her older siblings or friends also being there, and I guess I was hoping we could move back toward the relationship we used to have. But she is obviously not wanting/needing/capable of that right now and I’m going to have to come to terms with that. So yes, detaching and smaller expectations is what I need to do. And I had a eureka moment with that when the thought of her threat to stay behind actually didn’t worry me at all, and I realized I would have no problem leaving her if she carried out her threat and stayed behind (but I’m not saying I wouldn’t bail her out later when she begged to come home but didn’t have any $ to accomplish that - I haven’t made it that far yet).
My daughter is a freshman in college and is doing ok there - she had a rough first semester but seems to be doing much better this semester. But she will be home and taking online classes for at least a few weeks due to Covid19.
And I have realized the depressed, moping through life facade seems to be mostly for family, especially me. When we got home and she was with her friends, she was talking and laughing and acting like the girl I used to know. It makes me sad that she can’t be like that with me anymore, but I’m starting to slowly come to terms with that.

[Swimmy55]

I think we have to flip what success and normal look like.   Yes, you miss how your daughter used to be and there is grieving to be done.  On the flip side, she has friends, she is in college and doing ok there and you powered through a vacation  together. 

Challenge yourself to "flip it".   I am saying this for myself as well as for you. 

[Bandiro]

You are right. Success is a vacation with only 1 meltdown. And success is that I stayed calm and didn’t let her drag me into her meltdown. And success is that I was truly able to enjoy my vacation and not dwell on the fact that dd18 didn’t want to enjoy it with me. And success is that she really seems to be putting in an effort to do well in college this semester, after almost failing out last semester. I need to learn to appreciate the successes, big and small, and stop worrying about the bigger picture so much. Thanks for the reminder!

[Swimmy55]

No Problem.  As humans we are wired to look and remember the danger / bad as it was necessary for survival.  ( Any scientists here that can go into more detail?) So gravitating to the worrying things is natural for us.  We have to daily, hourly fight and "flip" this mentality as we are able ,and the struggle to do this is real.  I am just getting out of a mental slump myself over my son, so I ( and we all ) are right here with you!

I am not sure if your therapist has any coping mechanisms for you, but one thing I do is the gratitude list- I journal 5 things minimum that I am grateful for at the end of the day ( I should do this every day but I don't).  It is sometimes " I am grateful my son is still alive ( as far as I know ) and so am I".  Yep, some days it 's like this.  However, over time I do find that it helps me to be more mindful and "in the moment" instead of me living in the wreckage of the future/ what ifs/ or the should haves of my past. 

 A mini meditation I also try to do is breath in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4.  Helps with that punch to the gut anxiety.

[PeaceMom]

Swimmy
I do that “square” breathing technique, too. And my gratitude journal is 5 thinks I’m thankful for that day and 5 things I appreciated about myself that day. Mindfulness is critical for me too as everyday with these atypical kids is filled with dread and uncertainty.  I’m glad you are coming out of a dark place. Happy to see you posting again!

[Swimmy55]

Thanks for being here Peacemom and crew