Daughter full of anger at what she sees her parents have done to her

[Tugboat]

My daughter is 38 and has returned 'home' last August after 5 years living in an overcrowded flat in a rough part of London with a controlling man. She originally left home at 16 and has been living in squats and other unstable accommodation, returning for short periods and then unable to stay.
She has finally came back because her life was making her so physically ill that she was desperate to be helped. Also her father who is 88, is in poor health and not likely to live long.
We found a therapist for her locally who uses mentalisation to try to help BPD. Our duaghter has accepted her and goes regularly to her sessions. The therapist told us it would take 2 years and the first 6 months would be difficult. It's been hell.
She blames us for all her problems; says she has lost her life, her youth, her beauty and chance to  make a life of her own because we took her away from her happy life in the north of England and brought her to her father's home in the south. She was lost and alone in a rural location with no-one but her father to rely on (I was working full time to pay our mortgage). She felt that he wanted to control her and make her into the educated, bookish person, going to university and becoming a published writer that he saw in her high intelligence and creativity.
She kicked off because she was so unhappy and lonely. She rejected me because she felt I had abandonned her. Her anger was so great that I became scared of her; I withdrew and often left her father to support her. She left school and was clearly desperately unhappy, so we sought medical advice through our GP and the NHS psychiatric services. The GP put her on SSRIs - several different ones, increased the dose, the child psychiatrist didn't help. Her behaviour towards us made the rest of the family wary, sometimes hostile, to her. We struggled and raged on until she left to live in a young persons' hostel at 16. In her 20's she developed hyperthyroidism, which she blames on the SSRIs; she has refused surgery or radioactive iodine, but her condition is having a detrimental effect on her in many ways.
Now she is so full of anger against us that I don't think I can take much more. My husband seems to take it more calmly, but is also at breaking point at times.
This morning she raged at me, told me she wants to die every day, hates her life and me. I cried and eventually let out a howl of dispair, begging her to let me get away. She has just come back in a quieter mood and apologised.
 There is no help for families here. I need help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Tugboat
 
That sounds really incredibly difficult.  I'm glad your dd was able to come back and apologize, but handling that level of anger sounds really hard to take.

Are you able to set any boundaries for yourself, before you get to the point of crying and literally howling to get away - can you decide sort of nonjudgmentally to set a boundary and let her know gently that you need to walk away when it just starts to get too much? 

Are there periods in which she is more positive or anything small and positive you can do together with her to build her up?

I hope she is seeing a competent doctor for the hyperthyrodism, I don't know much about that at all.

There's a bunch of good skills and resources on this site - videos and books etc - I found some of the videos quite helpful.  I suppose you've already had a good look thru them?

[incadove]

One other quick thought - if I do have to remove myself, I try to save energy to reassure dd that I love her and I'm sorry she feels so awful - like validate the feelings, but remove yourself from the abusive language early.  Its good to save enough of your own emotional energy so you have something to give, on your own terms!

Take care and I hope things look up after a while!   

[Tugboat]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice to remove myself early when she becomes abusive. I think the problem is that I am trying to validate her feelings while she tells me in reasonable terms about the history of her misery. She goes over the same ground repeatedly, although she says she is coming to terms with it. I'm not so sure. She seems to go through a cycle of moods and memories which she uses as evidence of how trapped she feels living here with us. She has free use of a car which she thinks is likely to break down soon - although there is no particular evidence of this. She is also heavily reliant on the advice and support of the man - himself a fantasist - who she was living with in London. She believes his ideas and schemes (like he's discovered the cure to Coronavirus and was interviewed on LBC Radio last night), but not what we say because, as she said in an email to me yesterday, 'It is not a foregone conclusion that I am safe with you and my father, alone at ...  and this is the only suggestion you have made in regards to the welfare crisis I am in.'
It is becoming difficult to believe in the efficacy of the mentalisation therapy she is having since it seems to be opening wounds and encouraging acts of vengeance over many months. Do I just have to hang on and hope that the periods of calmness and reflection will increase and the conflicts that dominate her perceptions of her past will be resolved... Is there anyone in BPDFamily who can offer guidance on this?

[Huat]

Hi there Tugboat

First of all I want to say I am so sorry to read about your husband's prognosis...so sorry that at this point he is so much in need of a softening in the relationship with his/your daughter.

I've been reading your posts with interest and can relate to so much of what you write about your daughter.  Our daughter is now 54 and since early teens has never seemed to be able to take responsibility for the ills that have befelled her.  I, her Mom, have been the main culprit.

We have gone through many periods of no contact with her...this present period well into its 4th year.  Oh how I have cried. Thankfully, in the past couple of years, I have pretty well been able to bring my pity-parties to an end.  In our twilight years my husband and I are void of all her dramatic episodes and life is pretty good.

I have read a lot of books on BPD.  I have been participating on/in this forum for a few years now.  I have worked/picked my way through the website.  Along the way I have been able to put some of the "tricks-of-the-trade" into action when dealing with my daughter.  One that was a real "Aha!" moment for me was learning about communicating her and not...J-A-D-E.  That is...I shouldn't Justify...Argue...Deny...Explain.  It dawned on me that I was always adding fuel to her fire when I did...endless and escalating anger.  Yes, it is important to validate but there is a limit as to how many times one is expected to validate.  Above, Incadove explains her strategy. 

I can well understand your concern that your daughter is not doing her part in looking after her health.  For a few years I watched as our son suffered in pain because he wouldn't have dental work done.  How hard it was to convince myself that this was HIS problem...not mine.  The head-shaking story continues as he now lives with ill-fitting dentures that he just can't get around to having fixed.  HIS problem...not mine.

What with your own age...your husband's age/problems...you are very vulnerable.  It is good to read that your daughter is able to calm herself down, even apologise.   Good to read she goes to counselling.  Still, so much is on your shoulders to bring about change.  Keep reading.  Keep coming back here.  Keep working on different approaches.  Think about boundaries.  Sounds like your daughter is pretty privileged...living in your house...using your car.  Remember, though, change comes in baby steps...no dramatic turn arounds in these difficult people who share our lives.   

From one Mom to another...a ((HUG).

Huat