I feel like a rat spinning in a wheel.

[Trobert]

Due to the Coronavirus, I hope all of you are safe and well. It truly is a very challenging time, but let's hope and pray that this virus will be eliminated so that our lives can be restored to more normalcy.

As for my wife and me, I have volunteered to prepare some meals, but she has said that she wants to do it, instead. So, I help out in other ways by listening to her when she wants to talk and by staying out of her way which is what she prefers.

Seeing that "social distancing" is what needs to be done even with family members, I find my wife very agreeable with this with me especially, but of course, she has been that way even before the Coronavirus.

Going back to preparing meals and her declining that I should do this, she had her weekly meeting with her "medium counselor" who said that I should prepare my own meals and also to buy things outside. So, after her weekly meeting, she began complaining that she has to prepare the meals, and that is going to stop. She said that her daughter is not going to prepare meals when my wife is at work. She said that we are not babies, etc. Of course, I resented that, but I just let her vent. I later agreed that I can do these things for which she said nothing.

Then, she had to go to work. She said I love you to her daughter and nothing to me. Then, I just said I love you for which she didn't say anything.

So, I feel like I am the rat in a spinning wheel and going around in circles.

[Cat Familiar]

You offered to help prepare meals, but it appears that she doesn’t want your help. But then she complains about having to prepare meals and wants you to prepare your own?

So how about you prepare a meal, offer to share it with her, and if she doesn’t want any, then save her half in the refrigerator for your meal for the following day.

[Notwendy]

This is a stressful time. With people working from home, schools closed- families are cooped up together. This is going to be an adjustment for everyone and even people without BPD are probably going to get snappy with each other from time to time.

PwBPD have difficulty managing uncomfortable feelings. I would imagine that their behaviors could increase during this time when everyone is on edge.

My best advice is for you to not take your wife's comments personally. They are probably not about you. Also the most intimate partner is likely to receive the most of the BPD behavior. So, your wife didn't say she loves you today. It's probably her feeling irritated in the moment. I would not make too much of it, and especially don't react to it.

You can make the meal and as Cat says- your wife can eat it if she wants or not eat it. If she doesn't, then you have left overs. No big deal.  Try not to sweat the small stuff. There's enough stress right now as it is.

[formflier]

So how about you prepare a meal, offer to share it with her, and if she doesn’t want any, then save her half in the refrigerator for your meal for the following day

I would suggest this is about managing expectations. 

We know that pwBPD change their feelings often and for no apparent reason.

So, when she does cook for you, be over the moon about appreciation.  When she doesn't cook, you have your backups.

Then, over time you can figure out is you will "mostly" cook your own or if she only occasionally resents it.

It would seem unwise to try to sort it all our ahead of time AND expect her to hold to her agreement (due to ever changing feelings).

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Trobert]

She told me and I agree that I can make my own oatmeal which is good filler, when food becomes less. In this way, she told me she won't get stressed. So, that's what the current line of action is. Of course, as I have known over the years, she changes her mind just as much as the wind changes.

She indeed does a lot with her work which she resents, with her cooking which she resents, and with her college studies which she enjoys. I also thank her and do things for her, such as shopping, staying out of her way, paying the majority of the bills.

Yet, as one of you mentioned, there are always expectations and assumptions. She thinks I am just sitting around doing nothing when she is at work, and she won't listen when I share with her that I am teaching and tutoring. Because I don't have the same amount of stress like she has, she thinks I don't do enough, which has been very typical in the past with her expectations and assumptions.

So, while one of you said I should not take her personally, I do my best not to, but sometimes, she is just over the top cruel in her assumptions. So, that's when I just get out of her way. One of these days, though, she may see the last thing of me, my back, as I move!

[Trobert]

Besides having cabin fever like everyone else, I have had bad lungs. The last couple of days, I went out to get some essential things with gloves on.

My wife found out from her daughter that I had gone out and basically scolded me, that we can get through this, but I need to stay inside. Since she needs to work, she can get whatever it is, so long as it is available. Of course, I agreed with her, because she is right.

Nevertheless, and I hate to admit this, she has mistreated me so badly over the years, that going out although I know it was bad, it would be better than the abuse she has given me. Yeah, you can read between the lines. Again, I hate to admit this.

Well, I will stay inside until all this coronavirus stuff ends, but I have to think more positively for myself.

Anyone else feel the same way? What do you do counter this?

[Face of Melinda]

Yes I can relate. I have a "fantasy wish" that he'd have an affair ... Lol no such luck. It's so hard to imagine being all cooped up together during the virus... I really think this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. My coping strategy is to refuse to dwell on anything he's said; I won't keep reliving it in my mind; just distract myself with other things. I learned from a book on BPD caretakers is that we can resolve to put our needs aside and be the bigger person over and over but our needs will keep resurfacing anyway... Need for consideration, appreciation, shared reality.

[ortac77]

Social Distancing and self isolation. hmm sounds like dream for my pwBPD, its what he does a lot anyway! When this first started he seemed to improve but as the week has gone on he has drifted back to his 'normal'.

I think what frustrates me, although I am trying not to let it, is that total lack of empathy that others are also going through difficult times often much worse. Really having to count to 100 to avoid reacting.

Its sunny here today, doing my daily walk seeing nature keeping me centred and grounded, but then I get home and have to avoid the 'darkness' that descends in his presence.