Quarantine- Complete Lock Down with BPD Father

[NightwingingIt]

It's everyone's worst nightmare. Completely and totally trapped with my family for an indefinite amount of time.
The funny thing is, I felt like we were finally in a good place. Not me specifically, but as a whole. All last semester my dad would come home from work, go straight upstairs to his room, slam the door. He wouldn't be seen again until dinner, and even then he would only speak to my mom before heading back up to his room. It went on for months, then suddenly, everything was okay again and he wanted to be down among the land of the living. Now we're all acting like nothing happened and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. He's all jokes and smiles, everyone is completely fine. I feel like I imagined the whole thing.
Honestly, I'd rather maintain as minimal contact as possible while still living together. I've been staying at my college campus as long as possible, and checking find my friends to make sure he isn't home if I can't find a reason to stay on campus. I know, I know, it's a horrible thing to do, but the last few months without speaking, I've been doing the most healing I've ever done.
So fast forward to now, we are all in total lock down. Everyone is working/schooling from home. So, I'm trying to do the adult thing and suck it up. I even sat down and watched tv with him for a bit. It seems like such a stupid, small thing to struggle through. But he makes hateful comments the entire time, and then I was talking to my mom about how I might go out and watch my aunts kids on their farm while they need help. She's a nurse, so she's not able to stay with them. My dad starting talking about how that wasn't my decision to make. I told him I'm an adult, and I want to help my family. He started acting like a petulant child, mumbling no under his breathe whenever I said anything. Eventually, I just got up and left.
The point of this long winded spiel is that I'm going to need some help getting through this quarantine. If anyone has any suggestions of how not to either have an emotional breakdown or get in a fight that gets me kicked out of the house, I'm all ears. I'm thinking I'm going to make a work space in our basement, but I don't want to have to hide away for however long this goes on. Seriously, any ideas on how to keep cool in this stressful time would be lovely and much appreciated.

Thank you and stay safe everyone! I'm sending good vibes into the universe for all of us!

[JNChell]

This sounds tough, but not impossible. If I read correctly, your dad is clinically diagnosed with BPD? How did his diagnosis come about? Is he in therapy?

You’re trying to avoid him. Understandable. It’s gotta be hard to maintain low contact when under the same roof.

I understand how you feel about him isolating himself, and then acting like nothing happened. It’s almost like gaslighting, but without words. Don’t let that stuff get to you. You know what your reality is. He doesn’t have a reality, so he’ll try to create one occasionally. Kind of like a theatre. I suppose that he has that right. You also have the right to distance yourself from his behavior.

Do you have anything in common with him? Set boundaries where you can. Really, if you haven’t read up on BPD and cluster B PD’s, you’ve got time for that now.

You should totally make a work space in the basement. Your healing doesn’t have to be put on hold. Maybe just try to be very aware of things. Your dad is likely to become agitated with having to stay inside, or will likely blame his behavior on it. See things for what they are and make a lot of progress in the basement. BTW, where’s mom in all of this?

[NightwingingIt]

Thank you for responding! I'm still new at this, and I guess I don't actually expect to get answers.

Yes, my dad is diagnosed, and has been, for several years. Originally he believed this diagnosis, but has since dismissed it. No one is allowed to talk about it or he'll explode. My parents marriage has been a mess at best, and my mom threatened for divorce when I was 12-13, so about 7 years ago. As a compromise, they went to marriage counseling, that's what got him into therapy. That turned into one on one which turned into a diagnosis.

My dad wanted boys and got five girls, so whatever we don't have in common he is heavily dismissive of as a gender thing, which makes me not want to talk to him about anything I enjoy. And any interests that would stereotypical be a boy thing, such as comic books, he is annoyed by because I know more about it than he does. Mainly he just wants to sit around and watch tv. Usually our "bonding" consists of a superhero movie where I try not to get too excited and talk about the comic books so that he doesn't get... whatever it is he gets that makes him angry. Plus with five daughters, the man kind of hates women, or at least, all the women on every show or movie ever, so I try to limit the time I spend watching things with him so I don't have to listen to his comments about them (always derogatory and hateful).

I am reading up on BPD, but am having a hard time being sympathetic to him right now after a lifetime of feeling his feelings for him. That one's on me, and I'm working on it. Hopefully now will be a good time to sit with myself and figure it out. One of the books I'm reading talks about practicing mindfulness, but I'm not sure what exactly this is supposed to help. Do you think doing some mindfulness exercises could help in this situation? Maybe yoga? My sister swears by it.

My mom is at home with us. She's actually an autism teacher, going to online school right now and is absolutely thrilled to have some time to focus on her studies. We've all set up shop in different parts of the house and are tip toeing around my dad's angry conference calls, and whenever he's done with work, she kind of has to be too.  Even if he's in a good mood. She is honestly just one of those people that is a joy to be around, but when it comes to my dad her motto is "it's not worth the fight." We all just kind of live with the idea that we can't set him off because we'll ruin everyone in the house's day. Or week in some cases.

I am excited about the basement, and if it doesn't do the trick maybe I'll resort to screaming in my car. Whatever works, right?

Thank you again for responding, and sorry my response is so long and messy.

[gotbushels]

Welcome NightwingingIt   

My dad wanted boys and got five girls, so whatever we don't have in common he is heavily dismissive of as a gender thing, which makes me not want to talk to him about anything I enjoy.

Wow your parents are blessed to even have so many kids. I appreciate that it's difficult to have a parent on "stew" about something that is not actually controllable by them.

And any interests that would stereotypical be a boy thing, such as comic books, he is annoyed by because I know more about it than he does.

Mm. I know what this is like. You kinda have to "stupid" down your interaction rather than really talk to someone because they're unable to accept that someone knows more than them at something. Anyway it seems like you've taken the effective path and not dancing with him on it—so good for you.   

[...] so that he doesn't get... whatever it is he gets that makes him angry.

Mhmm. I know this eggshell walk—lots of us do here. I had an extra step at everything I did in my life when I was in a relationship with my UexBPDgf; "Is this gonna cause her to twitch". In my ex's case, there was no predictable pattern with the issues that would set her off, so almost ANYTHING made her twitch depending on her feelings of the day. Extremely tiring to be in relationship with a BP.

There's a children's book that I really enjoyed that you might enjoy too. Here's the link. Don't be fooled that it's a picture book—I've finished school and have quite a good job. As a working adult—I've read the thing maybe more than 15 times?

Good luck—enjoy your peace. I hope you'll share more.

[Methuen]

I even sat down and watched tv with him for a bit.

So one thing that has helped me, was to recognize that the things we enjoy doing with friends and healthy people, don't work with a pwBPD, because of their disordered thinking/feeling.  As soon as I read that you sat down with him to watch tv, I thought "oh oh".

You started off explaining in this thread that last semester you felt things were in a "good place".  It sounds that while your dad still had disordered behavior (going upstairs after work and slamming the door), it was predictable, and you could live with it.

Now with Covid-19, everything's changed.  I get why you sat down and watched tv with him for a bit.  That's what anyone would do with a normal healthy person in a typical relationship.  But he's not healthy, right?  Accept that.  The incident ended badly, so learn from it (note to self), and move on.  As much as you feel trapped right now, your dad probably feels the same, X 100, and because he's high-conflict (pwBPD), perhaps carving out your own space in the basement and your car is a really great solution, not just for you, but also for him.  Could it be that he needs his personal space, and that's why he went straight to his bedroom after work every day last term?

It seems like such a stupid, small thing to struggle through. But he makes hateful comments the entire time, and then I was talking to my mom about how I might go out and watch my aunts kids on their farm while they need help. She's a nurse, so she's not able to stay with them. My dad starting talking about how that wasn't my decision to make.

Ok- that last statement ("not your decision to make") was the hook and bait, and you bit into it HARD.  Then he reeled you in like a fish, and it probably felt like he was cooking you for dinner.  Gosh, we've all been there.  It really sucks.

When he says something SO irrational (and so controlling) which is meant to push your buttons (and draw a response), that's the time to get up and go to the bathroom.  And breathe, deeply.  Inhale for 4, exhale to the count of 4, repeat 4X (at least).  Your mind will be racing, but keep breathing deeply until you can feel it start to slow down. 

Avoid reacting emotionally, at all costs.  That's what he wants.  Instead, leave the situation (go to the bathroom), and calm down.  Don't feed the dysfunctional drama.

Go for a walk outside, or escape to your sanctuary in the basement.

It's going to be a long haul, so best to establish patterns as healthy as possible now, such as not feeding his drama.  If you get sucked into feeding those kinds of hooks, barbs, or other bad behaviors with emotional reactions of your own, it will not end well.  I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that if you think about why last term felt like a "good place", could it be because your dad isolated himself in his room, and there was less drama...?  Does that fit at all?

No matter how hurt, frustrated, angry, etc. you are, try to resist reacting with him, because you will never win.  And it will never feel good afterwards.  React here instead.  Here we understand.  Here you can vent safely.  Here we can listen and "get it".  We can help and support, and be your release valve.  

[JNChell]

Hi, Night. One thing that you’re lucky to have in your corner is knowing that your dad is clinically diagnosed with BPD. Obviously it isn’t great news, but it gives you a solid point of reference to work from as you navigate your situation and make decisions.

Yes, my dad is diagnosed, and has been, for several years. Originally he believed this diagnosis, but has since dismissed it.

Denial is a very common thing with people with personality issues. He saw the light at one time. Why do you think he pushed back against his diagnosis after accepting it?

My parents marriage has been a mess at best

You are very aware of the things that are going on around you. Many people (children) end up in the same cycles that they witnessed while trying to grow up. How has your parents dysfunction affected you? How do you feel about it all?

You say he wanted boys, but ended up with 5 girls. Do you think that BPD would have allowed him to behave differently if the genders were male? He’ll find “faults” in any person close to him.

You mentioned that he hates women. Do you have any knowledge about his upbringing? How things were between him and his mom?

I am reading up on BPD, but am having a hard time being sympathetic to him right now after a lifetime of feeling his feelings for him.

There is nothing wrong with this. Maybe it’s time to feel your own feelings.

One of the books I'm reading talks about practicing mindfulness, but I'm not sure what exactly this is supposed to help.

Mindfulness will be a very important thing for you to grasp, so keep reading up on it. Mindfulness is basically knowing right from wrong. That’s a very generic way to describe it. An example might be knowing when to walk away from a heated situation. Knowing what’s best because the other person is incapable of doing that. Taking the high road.

It sounds like your mom protects your dad’s toxic behaviors. Maybe she enables him by doing this. What do you think?

Keep posting. It helps you and everyone that reads it.

[NightwingingIt]

I don't mean to be using y'all as some sort of therapy, it's just that I just started therapy and this is somehow easier.

Avoid reacting emotionally, at all costs.  That's what he wants.  Instead, leave the situation (go to the bathroom), and calm down.  Don't feed the dysfunctional drama.

I know you're right, it's just such a struggle because I don't want to feel like a doormat my entire life. I know it's best for both of us if I not engage, it's just that I'm angry, a thing I'm only recently letting myself indulge in,  and I'm sure you're aware of how much it burns to be the one always swallowing your feelings and how much it can make you feel like you don't count. I can't think of any way to counter that feeling than by making myself heard. But I'm finding it's a change in dynamic no one likes and just before this quarantine was such a bad time to stumble upon this anger that I can't seem to put away.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that if you think about why last term felt like a "good place", could it be because your dad isolated himself in his room, and there was less drama...?  Does that fit at all?

100% And I felt bad about it the whole time but there's just such a feeling of relief when he's not around. I know, I know. That's not fair of me. It's his house and he has a right to be here. I'm trying to keep that in the back of my mind at all times during this quarantine but it's so much harder when there's no leaving!



Why do you think he pushed back against his diagnosis after accepting it?

I'm sure he's ashamed of it and he got better-ish. And he seems to think he went far enough. I know I should be grateful, he isn't nearly as scary as he was when I was little. But as horrible as it is, it almost feels like too little too late. I know he's trying and I almost want to sit down with him and talk about all of our history, I know he wants that. Twice last semester he came barging into my room and forced a conversation about it on me but I wasn't ready to talk and it just gave me a lot more anxiety about still living at home. Were you ever able to talk to your BPD about these things? If so, did it help you or your relationship in anyway? I worry my dad only thinks he wants to talk about these things, but it'll really just set him off. Or worse, he'll expect me to be perfectly okay after it as if it healed everything between us. In which case, I'll just be setting him up for disappointment.

 How has your parents dysfunction affected you? How do you feel about it all?

Yikes. My therapist says I'm avoiding relationships. I have never been in one and the few dates I've been on gave me anxiety attacks. We're working on that, among other things. Not that it's likely change anytime soon with the lock down.

You say he wanted boys, but ended up with 5 girls. Do you think that BPD would have allowed him to behave differently if the genders were male? He’ll find “faults” in any person close to him.

Honestly, I see it as a blessing that we were all girls. I think any boy he had would have been a perfect person for him to project onto. Since we're all girls, he was largely uninterested in us unless it was convenient to him. I do think he would have likely treated a boy in similar ways, I've seen him with my little cousins. He talks to them in a very similar way he talked to us, and I can't stand it. I feel like I can't leave them alone with him. I guess the issue of gender with him is very complicated and will probably always be for me with all the comments he's made my entire life about women and about wanting to have a son instead.

You mentioned that he hates women. Do you have any knowledge about his upbringing? How things were between him and his mom?

His mom likely has BPD as well. I grew up hearing all about the things she did to him. The way he talks about his mom is exactly how he talks about other women. It's like he can't separate her from her gender, it's hard to explain.

It sounds like your mom protects your dad’s toxic behaviors. Maybe she enables him by doing this. What do you think?

In a way, she does. But she's been a victim of abuse her entire life, so I really think it's the only way she knows to deal with conflict. But it's more than that, I think she was always trying to protect us the best way she could and that was to placate my dad. He was always so scary when he's angry, and I think she was trying to minimize our exposure to it. I'm not saying it was the best thing she could have done, I honestly don't even believe the best thing exists, but I think I understand why she did it. She's always very open to talk about this stuff with me, and she's aware the situation is bad, but we're all just kinda stuck. 

I see what you're doing, making me think through these issues that I usually just shove down and try not to look at. I really appreciate it, and even just a place to ramble about my issues. There aren't that many safe spaces out there.

Thank you all, you are beautiful people and I'm sending you all the support in the world for your struggles!

[Methuen]

I don't mean to be using y'all as some sort of therapy

You're not.  It's "support" my friend.  Who else is going to understand you better than this group of people who also have a pwBPD in their lives?  When we help each other by posting here, we're also helping ourselves.  You sound like you're apologising.  Don't!

I know you're right, it's just such a struggle because I don't want to feel like a doormat my entire life.

Agree with you 100%.  None of us should be a door mat.  But walking away from a situation isn't necessarily being a door mat, right?  Think of it as taking your power back, and choosing to walk away (i.e. go to the bathroom), rather than getting sucked into their drama trap.  It's kind of a shift in thinking.

it's just that I'm angry, a thing I'm only recently letting myself indulge in,  and I'm sure you're aware of how much it burns to be the one always swallowing your feelings and how much it can make you feel like you don't count. I can't think of any way to counter that feeling than by making myself heard.

Most of us can relate to this.  Last summer, and again last fall,  I think I was the angriest, most frustrated, and most hurt I've been in my life (I'm 57).  I vented on here a lot.  Let yourself feel that anger - you have a right to be angry.  But striking back at your dad verbally by arguing, explaining, justifying and defending yourself (JADEing) is more likely to escalate the situation and go nuclear.  Would that be helpful if it happened?  If you think it can't get worse than it already is, it can.  Since your dad isn't capable of healthy relationship behaviors, you have to be the one to walk away, if WW III is to be avoided, while you are all stuck under the same roof with Covid 19.  It's not fair, right?  But we have to deal with the family we have including the BPD (not the family we wish we had), and we have to find ways to live with these challenges.  If you can get to the stage where you accept that you have to be the adult in the relationship, you may find some clarity, and learn some coping tools, and eventually some peace.  Give yourself time.  It didn't happen for me overnight, but I'm getting there, and I can cope with my mom now (most of the time ). I see her now for the person she really is, and not for the person I always wanted her to be.  I've learned new "tools" to manage a relationship with her, and they truly do work.  It's not ideal, but its immensely better than it used to be, and I'm not walking around with a load of anger and negativity any more.  That was horrible.

And remember, that as horrible as you are feeling right now, it's probably a lot worse for your dad.  BPD is a terrible disease for the person that has to live with it.  It helped me to read stories of people recovered from BPD, and to remember I wasn't the only one suffering.

Were you ever able to talk to your BPD about these things?

This is NOT a good idea.  It will not end well.  All books and sources I have read advise against this.  I think at some time, we "nons" all experience a temptation to try this because we still want to believe it could work, and maybe be helpful to the relationship.  It won't be.  Talking through problems can work well for healthy people who don't have BPD.  If talking to the pwBPD about "these things" worked, it's probably not BPD.  

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that if you think about why last term felt like a "good place", could it be because your dad isolated himself in his room, and there was less drama...?  Does that fit at all?

100% And I felt bad about it the whole time but there's just such a feeling of relief when he's not around. I know, I know. That's not fair of me. It's his house and he has a right to be here.

This sounds like you are suffering from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) maybe?  I'm going to challenge some of the things you said.  If your dad comes home from work and goes upstairs to his bedroom and slams the door for a whole term, that behavior is his choice right?  Is that a healthy behavior for a father to do every day?  Is that how your friends father's behave when they get home from work?  Unlikely.  He's doing that because  he's emotionally dysregulated (part of the disease).  He's an adult right?  It's his responsibility to be "present" for his daughters.  So why are you "feeling bad about it the whole time"?  Hey - we've all travelled this same journey of becoming aware of FOG, and finding our own pathway out of the FOG.  We've been trained to feel their
 feelings for them, and to feel guilty.  I'm just suggesting here that you don't have to own that guilt.  Those are HIS feelings to deal with.  You are allowed to have your own independent feelings, and if those feelings right now are anger, you are entitled to them.  But feel them in your safe place in the basement, or in your car, or with someone you trust. It's unlikely to be helpful to feel them with your dad.

I'm feeling for you.  It's like being trapped, right?

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not; just trying to support you based on my learning about BPD, and experience with my mom.

Hang in there.  It can get better.