Infidelity with BPD lover

[User84611]

 
I have two friends who are having an affair, and one of them has BPD. The other person has a spouse, young children, and a job they will lose if the affair becomes public. It is a long distance affair, and the non-BPD person is slowly killing themselves for this BPD person. They are showing obvious signs of addiction, and they are overly consumed with the relationship. I wasn’t alarmed enough when I first discovered this. Now the non-BPD individual’s job is at risk, their savings are almost depleted (due to spending their money on BPD individual), they are severely depressed (cutting themselves, drastic changes in personality), lashing out at people who they were once close with, resulting in severed friendships, and is still hopelessly devoted to the BPD individual. It’s a very toxic relationship. Non-BPD individual is using BPD’s abandonment issues as a reason to stay in the relationship. They are willing to give everything up for the BPD individual. BPD individual is going back and forth, contact and no contact, love/hate, as well as many other typical BPD mannerisms. Any advice on if I should intervene, how to intervene, anything frankly. Non-BPD individual uses this website to justify their relationship, and sticking to it. Am I wrong to be deeply concerned? How do I proceed before it’s too late?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

I’m not sure my opinion is going to be the popular one but I’ll just let you know my thoughts and you can take it with a grain of salt...

I can see how much this is affecting you and how deeply you care for your friend. Your friend is extremely lucky to have someone like you on their side.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been involved in a BPD relationship, but if not, there are always two sides. Yes, they can appear very toxic and unhealthy from the outside (and for good reason!). A lot of behaviours occur that, without the diagnosis of BPD seem downright insane.

But your friend is probably also experiencing the good and wonderful parts of it too- the parts of the relationship that sometimes can feel like it’s the best thing to happen to us. Both of the good and the bad parts are valid and true for us and the person suffering from BPD. There is a big difference between “justifying” a relationship and learning about and relating to other people about the disorder. Your friend may use this website because they find people with similar stories- and honestly it can be a nice change from the friends and family in our daily lives who urge us to leave. It doesn’t make either person right or wrong- it just is what it is.

(Okay here comes the part that you might not like. Please remember this is just MY opinion and I don’t know if anyone else would even agree with me but...)

It’s not your job to fix it. It sounds like your friend has made the decision to stick with whatever is going on. Even though you are being a very good friend by caring so much, it is up to them to either figure it out, or face the repercussions of it.

Now, you mentioned your friend is self-harming. If you feel their life is threatened (either by themselves or another person), it IS your responsibility to take action. But besides that, I urge you to find compassion for your friend and, as hard as it is to swallow the “I told you so’s”, be their friend even if this all falls apart.

That is when they will need you the most.

Best of luck!

[User84611]

Not at all, I appreciate any feedback!

I know both parties very well.  I am fearful for the one individual who is self harming. They both are, actually. If they end up together, it will be when the non BPD individual is separated from their children, divorced, jobless, and depleted financially. That is the unfortunate circumstance where, I’m your opinion, I should step back and let happen. Maybe I should. But I’ll take action on the self harming if need be. If there are other opinions, please share!

Thanks again!

[once removed]

hi User84611, and

I am fearful for the one individual who is self harming. They both are, actually.

can you tell us more about how they are self harming?

how long have you known the two?

[User84611]

The BPD individual has a history of cutting, taking footage of it, and sending it to non-BPD individual when they are either depressed, or expressing their love. Vice versa for non-BPD individual, as well as using it to motivate BPD person to feel better and motivated. I have seen the marks/scars on non-BPD individual. At least five series of slash marks exist. They showed them to me almost proudly. Other people are starting to notice them as well. They also have noticed their gradual change in behavior for the past six months or so. Others that don’t know what is going on. They also have banged up their car recently while slightly impaired and distracted and thought little of it.

I have known both individuals for at least 3-4 years. Their friendship began around the same time, and their physical relationship began almost 9 months ago. The current international travel ban has put a wrench in their future travel plans to see each other. (They are long distance)

[once removed]

do you want them to break up? do you want them to get on a healthier trajectory?

what do you see as your role in this?

[User84611]

My role is that I want both individuals healthy. My opinion is a separation in communication may be the best way to get them healthy in the long run. I feel the the BPD individual needs to work on getting into more therapy (they just started) and focus on their own care. I feel that the non-BPD needs to focus on their own mental health and their family. Clearly there are issues with their marriage, and that should get worked on before anything else. I have others who agree with me, who know the individuals, the details, and so on. However, I came on here to get some outside opinions. If there are those who disagree, and think something else, I welcome the opinions! 

[once removed]

are they confiding in you about the problems in the relationship?

[User84611]

They both are, yes.

[once removed]

doesnt that put you in a compromised position?

its clear to me you hurt for your loved ones. its not clear to me where you expect to play role, and its not clear to me where you can play a healthy one, in all of this.

do you have feelings for either party?

[User84611]

Yes, it is a compromised position I am in. I feel like
I am a therapist to both of them. But yeah, because of my personal connections to them, I know all of the consequences of their relationship becoming public, and that is why I’m wondering if I should have a role in some form of what happens here. There are no feelings for either party. I also am friendly with the non-BPD individual’s spouse, so in some ways, it’s a burden that I have this information weighing on me.

[once removed]

there are two resources here that it sounds like can really help you in navigating all of this.

you want to help your friends and loved ones. i think we can all get behind that. doing so, in the healthiest and most productive of ways, can be tricky though, but youre actually in a good position to do so, with some tools, knowledge, and feedback.

the first id encourage you to look at is this: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

from that perspective, where do you see yourself? where do you see yourself wanting to be?

once you determine the latter, you want to set boundaries as a means of navigating, and the concept of boundaries is not always intuitive: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries