6 Month out of the R/S. 5 Month NC

[Pytagoras]

Hello everybody

Last time i wrote here, i was in doubt, if i would endure my NC or go and pick up my stuff with my ex-, as she asked me. I decided not to go. I gave up of my stuff, considering that it would not be that important. Going full NC and respecting my need for distance were the things i considered most important. I stop going to my whatsapp, that was where my ex-NPD/BPD usually contacted me, and i changed my phone number (i kept my former number active, but i never went there). I also avoided the city areas where it would be more probable to see her. I also asked all my friends and family not to tell me anything about her. I didnt wanted to know. She said she would change country with her new BF in January.

She also made a joint fb acount with her new bf and erased her own.

In 4th of January i received a friend request of her in fb. Her name was slightly different. I ignored. A weak later, the request was gone. Did she made a secret account just to speak with her ex's and new guys? Did she had a fight with her new bf? Who knows? Her life will continue in high voltage. And i certainly dont want to know. I'm out.

In midst of january i checked my older phone number and i had 50 SMS and 50 call atempts. I didn't check on who did contact me. And i sealed it forever. Note that at the time, i was receiveing almost none sms nor phone calls from anybody. I am almost certain that she tried to contact me. I also got back to my Whatsapp and, for my surprise, all my contacts and conversations were erased. Good for me. A fresh start. I am almost certain that she tried to contact me in whatsapp as well.

I think 80% of my grief process is done. I still think of her, and sometimes i dream of her. But what is still keeping me in the process is the grevious things she did to me. All the emasculation, her anger expressed in form of deprivation of love, joy, sex, kindness, affection, when at the same time, she expressed how she was horny and affectioned with the other guys. I am still in the process of digestion, and what it meant to me. My wound was exposed, big time, and i cannot and do not want to avoid it any longer. I will be here, with my wound, all time it will take. My process is no longer with my ex. Now it is all about me and my hurt. She, in all her darkness, opened it or made it very visible. And it was a blessing. I needed it. There would be no other way. There is no way around.

I dont know anything about what is happening in my ex's life, and i dont want to know. I am almost certain that she will try to contact me again. Maybe in months. Maybe in years.

Her mother and other relatives are always liking my publishings in facebook or instagram.

I dated a girl short after, but despite i dont think she was BPD or something of the kind, she was being very demanding and i backed off. I prefer to be alone at the moment.

I started several new projects, i read a lot of books, i have being working out a lot in the gym. I have been taking care of me, the best i can.

And now, with this COVID-19 pandemics, i have more time to reflect on all things needed to be reflected on.

I never doubted this would be a long run process. Mostly because something need and WILL change in me after all this. I am sick of deranged girls and relationships. I am sick of myself, actually. I will not run away of myself. I would prefer to be alone forever. Something very different will come out of this. Something will change forever.

Despite I feel some sexual urge, i dont feel like dating or being with girls right now. In the end i think it will change.

Anyway, i just wanted to share here some update of my process.

 

[once removed]

thanks for the update Pytagoras, and glad to see you back. im sure members going through what you were going through can gain a lot from your insight.

My wound was exposed, big time, and i cannot and do not want to avoid it any longer. I will be here, with my wound, all time it will take. My process is no longer with my ex. Now it is all about me and my hurt. She, in all her darkness, opened it or made it very visible. And it was a blessing. I needed it. There would be no other way. There is no way around.

i like the attitude here, and agree. it sounds to me like healing is waiting for you on the other side. i can tell you, if you reach for it, it does come.

it sounds like youre trying to move on mentally and physically...sounds about like stage 4 of Detaching, but you talk about the lingering wounds. have you considered bringing any of it up in therapy?

[daze507]

I can find a lot of myself in story. If fact, I think that my experience with the BPD was a necessary evil and that she was sent to me for that purpose. Without her, I would never had what it takes to start digging inside myself and expose what needes to be exposed. I know I am not the same man was before.
I know I will never tolerate any kind of abuse, sh*t-test, drama and mind games from anyone ever again and I demonstrated that to myself several times in my post-BDP relationships.
I am aware I am not perfect, I know who I am and I know that I am not a bad person. If someone is not OK with me, whoever that person is, the door is here. This is what my BPD brought to me through intense suffering, a better and stronger self.
Like you I am not single by choice ans happy with it, despite what society and many people tell us, there is no shame in being a bachelor. In fact, when you try it and start to enjoy it, you hardly go back, peace quiet and freedom is priceless. Companionship? I have my dog for that thanks.
Anyway, congrats for your progress and stay strong.

[Pytagoras]

Thks for your words

it sounds like youre trying to move on mentally and physically...sounds about like stage 4 of Detaching, but you talk about the lingering wounds. have you considered bringing any of it up in therapy?

I've been in therapy since October. But it was postponed now that we are in Quarentene Mode in my country. That was the main theme in therapy. The therapy slowly evolved. I started to speak less and less about my ex and focusing on myself. The way i related to my family, my mother, my friends. The similarities, the causes, etc.

I can find a lot of myself in story. If fact, I think that my experience with the BPD was a necessary evil and that she was sent to me for that purpose. Without her, I would never had what it takes to start digging inside myself and expose what needes to be exposed. I know I am not the same man was before.

I understand.

In my case, altought i had some peaceful r/s in the past, my previous gf was also BPD and after that i had short r/s with another two BPD girls wich i could avoid in time, because i was already aware of the "bpd problem", but even so, i went straight to the worse and darkest gf i could ever imagine.

So, as you said, we needed this. My intelectual and even experiential knowledge of bpd didn't gave me what i needed, and i had to get more involved. Like if the life itself was giving me a message "You still don't understand? So let me give you another blow. This one will hurt you more. I hope this time you really stop and listen."

[daze507]

Wow! 3 BPDs and you can still walk? I'm very impressed

[once removed]

Like if the life itself was giving me a message "You still don't understand? So let me give you another blow. This one will hurt you more. I hope this time you really stop and listen."

have you heard the expression that water seeks its own level?

in the same way, we seek the relationships we are ready for, on an emotional level.

i had a similar messy relationship history, getting into immature relationships, being knocked on my ass. today, im just not the same guy. im not saying i couldnt fall for a gal that was troubled, because anyone can, but i wouldnt get into the same situations, the same relationship turmoil, the same "what on earth do i do" kind of thing.

but part of that is just the course of our relationship trajectory. all of our relationships will fail except for the last, and some will hurt us more than others. ideally, we all learn from the last relationship, and do a little better each time.

life may not be trying to punish you or teach you a lesson. it may be trying to offer you an opportunity in a dark time.

[Pytagoras]

Wow! 3 BPDs and you can still walk? I'm very impressed

The first lasted 1y and half, the others were not really gf. I was just dating them, and as soon as i saw troubles, i backed off. But i couldnt escape this last one. :P

life may not be trying to punish you or teach you a lesson. it may be trying to offer you an opportunity in a dark time.

I have a sentence in my facebook cover that says "As Within, So Without". What was (or still is) inside me, was reciprocated in some way. Not a punishment. Only a mirror.

Speaking of Facebook, curiously, my ex sent me friend request today, again (after she did in january).

[Turkish]

Her mother and other relatives are always liking my publishings in facebook or instagram.

What do you feel by still being connected to them by social media?

[once removed]

Speaking of Facebook, curiously, my ex sent me friend request today, again (after she did in january).

i got a couple of friend requests on facebook too. they were retracted within a few hours.

your relationship ended badly, traumatically. its hard for anyone to just come to terms with that and accept that. you know that, its why youre here.

as human beings, we tend to want to close that book on a better note or chapter. be seen and remembered in a better light.

this can be especially true with BPD traits, who struggle mightily with self image. the friend requests arent a big surprise in that light. she wants to feel better about what happened, she wants to know you dont hate her, she wants to feel better about herself, and she probably wants to remain connected to you in some manner.

if you want to move on, you dont owe her that.

[Pytagoras]

What do you feel by still being connected to them by social media?

Nothing special. Part of me feels validated in some way. But i am aware of that and that's not really important.

Once removed:

Yep. I think that if i accepted her as a friend, then she could feel better about herself, and that would constitute a proof that she didnt do anything that wrong. Also, i believe that when she feels more lonelly or when her present r/s goes awry she can think of get some solace with me, as she did in the past with other old bfs.

I feel a lot of dificulties when i have to "kill" someone from my life. I was very permissive until now. That's one of the skills i am learning. To put away what is not good for me.

Nevertheless, i ignored her request. I will not be her friend.

[once removed]

I feel a lot of dificulties when i have to "kill" someone from my life. I was very permissive until now. That's one of the skills i am learning. To put away what is not good for me.

this is a balance that youll find over time. there can be a tendency i think, after these relationships, to go to the other extreme, and cut off anyone who wrongs us.

there is a time and a place to end (completely) a relationship, for sure. the tricky balance is that emotional maturity generally means being able to deal with and get along with people that may be difficult, and still thrive.

i know thats sort of tangential to this situation...most exes are not meant to be friends. its just a lesson for down the road.