Advice for BPD breakup

[teawoman5]

I learned what BPD was by googling my now ex bf's weird/hurtful behavior. It was the same pattern many describe: a great relationship for 4-5 months followed by sudden, inexplicable devaluation...random accusations, suddenly needing tons of distance and spending all his time with unnamed friends. It happened so fast. After a few weeks of it I knew something was way off and my instinct was to break up. He begged me not to and said he just needed some time to deal with emotions he couldn't control. I could tell he was fighting it, so I stuck around. But things got worse to the point he was excluding me from plans, bringing up ex's, ghosting for days on end saying he left his phone somewhere. We used to love each other's company, then he started saying that seeing each other more than once a week would "pressure" him.

Things actually improved for while. He went back to being more affectionate and told friends he was happy and found love. I felt like the cloud had lifted somewhat and it would be ok because we'd work on stuff with a therapist soon. A couple weeks later after a nice evening together he did a 180 and ghosted me for three days. Finally texted an incoherent message about how he wanted to break up. He wouldn't talk about it so this was the final discard.

I found a therapist specializing in personality disorders. We have gone a couple of times separately and together, even after the break up. After all of the hell he put me through he's not even open to working on our relationship and wants to be "friends." He refuses to even consider working through things together...like I said, final discard. The therapist told me it looks like BPD and it will take him years of therapy and hard work to overcome. She said he may hurt many more people before really addressing problem. She hasn't talked to him about BPD yet because he skipped appointments. I don't know if he would be able to stick with years of therapy.

In the meantime he's made it clear he wants to date other people and already moved on. When we met in person he was purposely smiling at his phone and making sure I saw it. Obviously this hurts but I'm trying to see it as a blessing in disguise (for me, not the new victim). But why would he want to hurt me when I stayed strong and understanding through all of the crap he pulled?

The saving grace is that I'm in contact with a mutual friend who assures me that my ex has always had these problems/isn't capable of maintaining a relationship with anyone. That's helpful to hear. My ex has even acknowledged that none of this was my fault. I realize that a lot of people in BPD situations don't get that kind of support/validation in person.

Still the whole thing is crazy-making. I don't know how I got to this point, where I've been holding together a relationship that basically descended into emotional abuse. He still never acknowledged the chaos and pain he caused. It's like he can't see it or doesn't care. I totally trusted him for those 4-5 good months. When the devaluation cycle started it was such a shock. The sad thing is unlike some BPD partners, he really tried to fight it and keep it from taking over.

His take on our relationship is that we got along great and connected on every level, but when the therapist asks him what went wrong he can't articulate it other than to say we're not a "match," like all of his past partners. He told her his feelings switch off suddenly in relationships. It's sad because he's starting to erase everything we had, saying he wasn't deeply in love and he's had lots of relationships where people got the wrong idea about his feelings, etc. The therapist is reminding me it's a mental illness and he's distorting the past to prevent painful emotion from coming up, but it's still very hard.

I know it could have never worked with this person, no matter what I did. No one could go through life with a partner who wreaks havoc/emotional abuse and can't feel emotions or empathy. I guess I should be glad I'm out. But of course you still wish there was something, anything you could have done to preserve all that was good about it. Any advice on this?

[AskingWhy]

tea woman, welcome. 

Does your knowledge of BPD empower you to decide what you want?  You know now what BPD is and how it works.

Living with a BPD partner is painful, but you know what you are dealing with.

 

[daze507]

It's hard. As far as I am concerned, the fact that they are removing/distorting the past was the hardest thing to swallow and looking back she was already doing that during the devaluation phase. For instance once I told her "do you remember how much fun we had when..." and ahe was like "What are you talking about?". Honestly, that's not something I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, it's like a nightmare but you're awake. You see that beautiful story, all your plans about the furure and even, in our case, the past disolving before your eyes and there's nothing you can do about it.
Another hard thing is to not know who was the person you fell in love with, was she the one at the beginning, the one at the middle, the one at the end, the one after the relationship? I don't know and will never know who is that person I once met and shared a bond.
That's why, two years after the discard, I gave up on contacting her to get news because I would not be surprised at all that if I do, she will think "who is this guy?" and then, who would I contact, the adorable one, the distant one, the crazy one?
I am sure about one thing, it's that if it's already not easy nowadays to have a long term relationship that works between two healthy people, it's impossible to have that is one partner has a mental issue. There's nothing you or me or all the others here could have done, our stories were doomed from the very beginning.

[teawoman5]

Thank you.

tea woman, welcome. 

Does your knowledge of BPD empower you to decide what you want?  You know now what BPD is and how it works.

It's hard to say. Definitely no one would sign up for this kind of "relationship" if they knew at the beginning. I think knowledge of BPD has empowered me to understand this wasn't my fault. Because before I felt like it must be...the devaluation leaves you searching wildly for any kind of explanation.

My ex has ruined so many past relationships that he's fully aware something's wrong with him. I saw him try to resist the devaluation stage as it happened...a weird contradiction. He's not so far gone in a way because he's told the therapist only good things about me/us. So part of me thinks he should resist the splitting and fight for it. Then again I know my replacement is going to hold way more interest (for a couple of months) than the hard work of therapy...

[teawoman5]

For instance once I told her "do you remember how much fun we had when..." and ahe was like "What are you talking about?". Honestly, that's not something I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, it's like a nightmare but you're awake. You see that beautiful story, all your plans about the furure and even, in our case, the past disolving before your eyes and there's nothing you can do about it.

Exactly. I think he still remembers good time but it brings up pain so he gets angry. Those memories will probably be pushed down further over time. I think the beginning of these relationships is a beautiful story. With a healthy person it would naturally continue and blossom. With BPD they're just not capable of not ruining it.

Another hard thing is to not know who was the person you fell in love with, was she the one at the beginning, the one at the middle, the one at the end, the one after the relationship? I don't know and will never know who is that person I once met and shared a bond.

There's nothing you or me or all the others here could have done, our stories were doomed from the very beginning.

Totally. I'm struggling with which one was real...Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde? "Doomed" is a good way to put it. No matter who I was or what I did, the outcome would be the same with this person. He's never been able to make a relationship work and cycles through friends and jobs. I think the only hope with BPD is therapy/treatment. Otherwise it will never get better on its own or by meeting some magical "right" person.

[daze507]

Exactly and even with a therapy, it take time, a lot of efforts and commitments before you can see improvement.
I don't, it's your choice, but I think we're not saviors here, we would damage our own lives for what purpose, a chaotic relationship?
Don't get me wrong, it hurts as crazy but there is nothing for us in being involved with a BPD.