Brother possibly has BPD

[Mysticbay]

Hello,

I just wanted some advise and insight from others with a sibling with BPD. For me, I think my brother is somewhere on that spectrum. Our relationship was totally fine until I was like 6 and him 8. He just turned on me for some reason and didn't want to play with me anymore or have anything to do with me...that really hurt and was confusing. His pre-teen years were the worst because he would use any chance he could to demean, humiliate, criticize, make fun of everything about me. Honestly, I was traumatized because it was Soo incessant. I stopped talking at the dinner table because I knew he would just try to hurt me. Unfortunately, I internalized it because I had no idea was the hell was going on. I was never mean to him, just the usual sibling stuff (sharing...). He would also shun me socially. Like if we were walking, he'd say he has to cross the street because he didn't want to be seen with me and I shouldn't follow him. Really nice big brother...So I developped some social anxiety because I started to believe all the stuff he was saying to me. My mom never punished him because she thought it was just normal sibling squabbles...but my brother had such intensity. It wasn't normal.
When he got to high school things got better. He found like-minded friends and wasn't so much on my case. We kind of got close when I came back from abroad and told him how deeply his treatment of me had affected me. But he's always been weird when handling relationships. He NEVER talks about his feelings. He's very distrustful of people and I know he feels very disappointed in his friendships, like everyone lets him down. I feel that's pretty common for BPD. He just seems very hurt, confused and doesn't want to resolve his issues. He got depressed a few years ago and went to a therapist but quit because he says they're all stupid...That therapist mentionned he could have BPD, but since my brother didn't see him again, a proper diagnosis couldn't be made.

He was always a very sensitive child. He was afraid of the dark, bugs, fictional characters, loud noises, couldn't eat many foods, needed very soft clothes. He told me once that noboby wanted to play with him at recess and kids made fun of him in junior high for dressing with baggy clothes and listening to rock. And that he wanted to be like me. I feel a nomal kid who gets a bit bullied wouldn't react so violently and intensly.

It just sucks because I still kindda feel looking back at how badly he treated me that it was my fault or that I deserved it. Because "normal" people don't act like that without reason.

Anyone have a similar experience ?

[missing NC]

Hello Mysticbay,

You definitely did not deserve your brother's treatment. But I can relate to a variation of that feeling. My sister increasingly turned to rage as her go-to response for any form of frustration from adolescence onward. Much of it was directed at me. 

I feel terribly guilty at this point for not handling her better.  Someone on another thread pointed out that even in a best case scenario a relationship with a person with BPD is going to be like a tug of war.  I just keep reminding myself that some else in my position would still be struggling - maybe struggling more, maybe less - but struggling because that is the nature of a relationship with a person with BPD.  I recently spoke with the mother of late BPD daughter who said you have to have a "therapeutic" relationship with them.  In other words, you cannot expect a normal relationship like you might have with any other person in your life. 

Yes, "normal" people don't act like that without a reason. Your brother and my sister act like that precisely because they are not normal.  Even the sensitivities you describe are extremely common in individuals with BPD.

[shield-me]

Hi Mystic bay, are you me? I also have a uBPD brother (undiagnosed BPD brother).

I suffer anxiety and depression because of being an abuse victim of many reasons including this uBPD brother troubling me.

He would use any chance he could to demean, humiliate, criticize, make fun of everything about me. Honestly, I was traumatized

Yes I had to speak to support groups and helplines to just get through the trauma that my uBPD brother did to me.

I started to believe all the stuff he was saying to me. My mom never punished him because she thought it was just normal sibling squabbles...but my brother had such intensity. It wasn't normal.

Same here, we are valid victims and when others don't believe us earlier on, it's hurtful.

He NEVER talks about his feelings.

My uBPD brother dumps his negative feelings on to me, it's abuse hell. My brother never talks about feelings.

He just seems very hurt, confused and doesn't want to resolve his issues.

My uBPD brother never seeks counselling.

He was always a very sensitive child. He was afraid of the dark, bugs, fictional characters, loud noises, couldn't eat many foods, needed very soft clothes. He told me once that noboby wanted to play with him at recess and kids made fun of him

Lol haha my brother is scared of rats or mice. Me and my brother are about two years apart same as you and your brother and when we were kids he used to make up a phobia to me and I stupidly believed him as the younger kid, I think I was 6 years old too. I have grown up to realize it's all lies. My brother manipulated my mind from a young age, it's sad. I have to talk to support groups just to overcome the mind manipulation my uBPD brother has done to me.

My brother has a rare issue with him so he claims to have been bullied but MY bullying was even worse than his because I got physically abused and the girls ripped my clothes in front of teachers to leave me naked. I even switched classes to avoid the bullies. I went through abuse hell but I survived it and got good grades. My brother was like a tutor to me those days but he grew up being an abuser to me, an enemy, it's sad.

It just sucks because I still kindda feel looking back at how badly he treated me that it was my fault or that I deserved it. Because "normal" people don't act like that without reason.

My brother was gaslighting me, he tried to make it my fault (which is untrue and all lies). Yes, other family members have said my brother behaves like that because he is frustrated with his own problems.