Moving Forward after Discovering Parent has a BPD Diagnosis

[lovevlm]

Hello!

I hope all of you are having a good day to the best extent possible. Today, I was just told about this resource and have spent the last hour or two looking over some of the discussions on here. It is so inspiring to see all of you share stories, ask for help, and reserve an open/free discussion space. You all are resilient peoples empowering others with your words!

For a little outline of my experience, I am an 18 year old cis-gender female attending University who has just discovered my mom has a BPD diagnosis (about 3 weeks ago, she also does not know I know). My story is so much more complicated, but I am eager to start moving forward into this new chapter of my life now that I have a fuller understanding of my experiences growing up and now. I feel like learning about my mom's official diagnosis has been like finally finding the missing piece of a puzzle and putting it in place.

Now I have a framework to work off of! A chance to learn, grow and better my understanding about my mom and myself. My question for you all is how did you make the transition from learning that your parent has BPD to accepting and actually putting measures in place to create a sustainable future? Also, in times of deep hardship, what helps you all stay grounded, calm, cool, and collected? (I've tried telling myself "separate her from the illness", "this is not her fault and not her", "her intentions are not bad" and "breathe")

Even though I now have this understanding I am finding it difficult to not fall back on habits pre-knowledge of diagnosis such as: pure frustration (she constantly yells at me, does not listen, and never thinks before she speaks), embarrassment (of how she acts around others and questions she asks me), guilt (for being envious of "stable" families, not being able to be there for her and for continuing to be frustrated with her now matter how old I am), and fear (about how I will feel when she passes away bc of our horrible relationship, her feeling rejected and unloved, the possibility of exhibiting any of the same behaviors, and for my little brother who still lives with her).

Thank you all for creating this community of learning and unity. I am looking forward to hearing your advice, experiences and/or other comments.

Best wishes and take care.

[gotbushels]

lovevlm  

Welcome.

I'm glad you've found this site. It helped me a lot in dealing with my ex. Difficult family members as well.

My question for you all is how did you make the transition from learning that your parent has BPD to accepting and actually putting measures in place to create a sustainable future?

So you already know the parent has BPD. I think from there you can decide on what your "sustainable future" looks like—so think about what relationship you want with your parent.

For example, some people want detachment and a clear delineation of where the BP parent begins and where they end. They want things like not being coerced into caretaking the person with the PD. They want things like being empowered to choose if they want to take care of the pwBPD and to what extent. If that's what they want, then the measures you speak of would be dialogue tools. Lawson suggests (I've used this):
1. "I am..."
2. "I will..."
3. "I won't..."

Putting this measure in place means that you go in ready with this dialogue when you discuss things with your parent. Personally, it means sticking it out even though it may feel very frustrating to implement. In my situations, I think the rewards have been well worth it. It stopped me being manipulated, it kept people from coercing me into doing things, it prevented me from taking on guilt that wasn't mine, it helped me feel and remember that I did much better than I would in all those situations, I felt prouder of my actions, etc.—all of which are benefits whereby we're in the same boat of what we generally want in these situations. So I highly encourage you continue understanding and deciding which tools you want to use.

Also, in times of deep hardship, what helps you all stay grounded, calm, cool, and collected? (I've tried telling myself "separate her from the illness", "this is not her fault and not her", "her intentions are not bad" and "breathe")

What helps me return to feeling grounded, and calm, cool, collected would probably be getting into "wisemind" states. You can find out more about it here. I've found the easiest way to do this is using self-validation techniques (found elsewhere on this board). It will get easier the more you practice on your own and while you're in days where you've got to deal with the person for whatever reason.

I think you're on the right path. I'm interested in what others have to say to your other experiences. The outline for improving your life with a BPD parent is here.


Personally I really enjoyed this book too, even though it's a children's book.


If you have the $, then I highly recommend you get a qualified T. That's what I'd do if I had a to-do over again.


Good luck and enjoy your improving peace. I hope you'll share more.