Have you tried to contact people from your ex's past? Bad idea?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have any of you ever reached out to people in your ex's past just to try to help make sense of things?

I'm just a month or so out from a year-long relationship.

I am someone who really likes to understand things, that helps give me some peace (I also know there is a line where it can become a means of trying to feel control over a situation that I don't have control over).

Anyway, I had this idea this morning about reaching out to another ex-gf of my ex's (I don't know her at all). He was in a 10-year abusive marriage to a person with NPD (or at least so he says) before meeting me. Prior to that, he lived with someone for 5 years, and he always described her as being so great. Pretty sure from what I know about her that she was relatively "normal." I think part of what I am trying to make sense of now, is how much of what my ex-bf said was true at all? Is he emotionally unstable, troubled, manipulative but mostly honest? Or did I just buy into a whole huge pack of lies for a year? There are so many things about his story that I'm not sure about. I also wonder if he was maybe cheating on me, or just painting a totally false picture of his life, past, etc.

I realize none of this should really matter now. The chance of he and I ever getting back together is almost nil bc I see that it is a really unhealthy situation (I don't say there is zero chance only bc I don't believe in tempting the universe!)

But, it would almost be a relief if I could talk to this other person and learn that he has a history of being a pathological liar. I find that helps me detach more, if I know the other person was totally disingenous.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. Anyway, I think I could get in touch with this ex-gf via FB. I've been through other painful things in my life and always found comfort in finding others who can relate and understand and can help me make sense of things. Maybe that's what I'm hoping for if I were to reach out to this person. But...she might think I'm crazy, or it might just bring up a lot of bad memories for her, or she might not really be able to shed any light.

Thoughts?

[l8kgrl]

Have any of you ever reached out to people in your ex's past just to try to help make sense of things?

I'm just a month or so out from a year-long relationship.

I am someone who really likes to understand things, that helps give me some peace (I also know there is a line where it can become a means of trying to feel control over a situation that I don't have control over).

Anyway, I had this idea this morning about reaching out to another ex-gf of my ex's (I don't know her at all). He was in a 10-year abusive marriage to a person with NPD (or at least so he says) before meeting me. Prior to that, he lived with someone for 5 years, and he always described her as being so great. Pretty sure from what I know about her that she was relatively "normal." I think part of what I am trying to make sense of now, is how much of what my ex-bf said was true at all? Is he emotionally unstable, troubled, manipulative but mostly honest? Or did I just buy into a whole huge pack of lies for a year? There are so many things about his story that I'm not sure about. I also wonder if he was maybe cheating on me, or just painting a totally false picture of his life, past, etc.

I realize none of this should really matter now. The chance of he and I ever getting back together is almost nil bc I see that it is a really unhealthy situation (I don't say there is zero chance only bc I don't believe in tempting the universe!)

But, it would almost be a relief if I could talk to this other person and learn that he has a history of being a pathological liar. I find that helps me detach more, if I know the other person was totally disingenous.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. Anyway, I think I could get in touch with this ex-gf via FB. I've been through other painful things in my life and always found comfort in finding others who can relate and understand and can help me make sense of things. Maybe that's what I'm hoping for if I were to reach out to this person. But...she might think I'm crazy, or it might just bring up a lot of bad memories for her, or she might not really be able to shed any light.

Thoughts?

[daze507]

Funny, my xBPD was involved in a 7 years relationship with an abusive NPD too.
Anyway, regarding your question, for me it's a big no no. I cannot see anything good coming out of this action.
How do you know your ex was BPD?

[Cromwell]

What is it you want to ask her?

[l8kgrl]

I don't know for sure that he is BPD. From reading on this site - the articles and other people's posts - it sure does sound like him. I don't think he's on the extreme end of the spectrum, but there's so much here that fits. Obsessed with what others think of him/convinced everyone is against him, lots of estranged relationships, very black and white thinking, distant one moment, loving the next, then blows up in anger at the slightest (or really no) provocation...emotionally manipulative, when we fought (or he got angry), it was always my fault, etc etc.

But yeah, this was probably a crazy thought of contacting his ex.

I think I just really want to know how much of what he told me over the past year was a lie. I realize it doesn't actually matter. It doesn't change that the r/s is not tenable. It doesn't change that he has problems that he's not willing to get help for.

But I'm actually someone who has a very hard time getting angry with people - I usually turn those feelings against myself. I think I was feeling that if I knew that he was being deceitful the whole time, it might make it easier to detach.

I also gave him money for his attorney, believing that he deserved a good advocate to fight against his ex. Now I'm thinking, maybe his ex wasn't even what he said? Maybe he's the one who shouldn't have custody? Who knows. I did the best I could. I thought he was a good dad based on what I observed.

I'm working on shifting the focus off of understanding him, and onto myself - why did I behave the way I did in this situation, why didn't I have any boundaries, and how can I take care of myself now.

[l8kgrl]

What is it you want to ask her?

I guess I want to know...are his emotional issues due to his marriage (like he says) or was he always this way? Like how detached from reality is he? Was the situation I thought I was dealing with even remotely true or were these all lies or distortions on his part? Understanding more about his past would probably shed a lot of light, but I agree with daze507 that it's probably not a good idea and not worth it.

[alleyesonme]

Great question, and I actually don't think it's a bad idea as long as you feel comfortable that A) he won't find out, or B) if he does find out, he won't do anything to harm you, your property, your job, etc.

Quick sidenote, but my wife's ex sounds like he probably had/has BPD, so while I'd like to hear his take on her, I have zero confidence that she wouldn't find out or that it wouldn't blow up in my face, so contacting that guy isn't really an option for me.

As I think a lot of us on here can attest to, people with BPD have some extremely delusional perspectives of events and people. Talking to someone from his past may give you some additional closure to know just how delusional he was, and it may help you depersonalize what he did/said to you.

You mentioned that he is/was going through custody hearings. My understanding is that you can get access to the court records from all of those if you show up in person at the courthouse. Have you ever considered that? That way you'd see exactly what his ex-wife said about him under oath. That may be a nice middle ground whereby you get some info without risking anything.

[l8kgrl]

Great question, and I actually don't think it's a bad idea as long as you feel comfortable that A) he won't find out, or B) if he does find out, he won't do anything to harm you, your property, your job, etc.

Quick sidenote, but my wife's ex sounds like he probably had/has BPD, so while I'd like to hear his take on her, I have zero confidence that she wouldn't find out or that it wouldn't blow up in my face, so contacting that guy isn't really an option for me.

As I think a lot of us on here can attest to, people with BPD have some extremely delusional perspectives of events and people. Talking to someone from his past may give you some additional closure to know just how delusional he was, and it may help you depersonalize what he did/said to you.

You mentioned that he is/was going through custody hearings. My understanding is that you can get access to the court records from all of those if you show up in person at the courthouse. Have you ever considered that? That way you'd see exactly what his ex-wife said about him under oath. That may be a nice middle ground whereby you get some info without risking anything.

Alleyesonme, yes, that's a good thought - I have considered seeing whether the court records are available. Thank you for your perspective.

Even thinking along these lines - going to the court or to his ex - makes me feel a little crazy myself. I usually think of myself as a pretty balanced person.

I guess it does show, though, how desperate you can be for a grasp on "reality" when dealing with someone who has made you question your own perceptions so much...

[alleyesonme]

Very welcome - keep us posted!

IMO, no need to feel crazy about it. You're just looking for accurate information without causing any drama. You aren't spreading any rumors or anything like that, and the court records are public record anyway, and there's a reason for that.

[once removed]

i reached out to two ex friends of my ex, a few months after our relationship ended, once i realized their friendship ended.

they were happy to share. they shared a lot about what happened with them, as well as things that were going on in my exs new relationship.

did it help? it made me feel a lot better knowing that my ex wasnt handling the breakup so well. it made me feel better knowing that there was a lot of drama.

did it help me heal? no. it shed no real light on the unique relationship problems that my ex and i experienced. it didnt help me think of her less. sort of like joining this site, it was just good to have shared experiences, for a time.

ask anyone here how they feel about their ex. ask anyone who has been through a bad breakup how they feel about their ex. youre going to hear a lot about how much their/your ex sucked. youre typically not going to hear a balanced perspective about how "we just werent right for each other and it was better that we moved on and i wish them well". youre typically not going to gain insight as to what happened between the two of you, and what you can learn from it.

you will likely hear that the problems with your ex were worse than you thought, and what a total nightmare he was. and much like joining this site, it will validate your experience. and there is value in that, undeniably. but it can come in diminishing values the more we over rely on that validation, solely, to cope.

[l8kgrl]

Thanks onceremoved.

I'm leaning towards not contacting his ex, haven't really been giving it a lot of thought the past week.

But...I do think it might actually help me heal a little if it validated my experience, just because I'm someone who second guesses myself way too much. I took his views and perspectives too much to heart because that's what I do. I'm not looking for someone to trash him, I actually still love him as a person. That's kind of my problem - I always look for the good, when really I need to open my eyes and see the bad more clearly.

That said, I also think I need to get better at just trusting myself and not needing anyone...whether it's my ex, or his ex, to tell me how to feel.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks onceremoved.

I'm leaning towards not contacting his ex, haven't really been giving it a lot of thought the past week.

But...I do think it might actually help me heal a little if it validated my experience, just because I'm someone who second guesses myself way too much. I took his views and perspectives too much to heart because that's what I do. I'm not looking for someone to trash him, I actually still love him as a person. That's kind of my problem - I always look for the good, when really I need to open my eyes and see the bad more clearly.

That said, I also think I need to get better at just trusting myself and not needing anyone...whether it's my ex, or his ex, to tell me how to feel.

MMM...so start searching within yourself and develop your own internal validation. Break the cycle and the chain of needing validation from someone else. Yes, much easier said than done. It is foreign to most people. However, the mind is the most powerful thing there is. Train it how you want it to work for YOU. I will definitely say learning to trust yourself is key. It will take time. You can do it though. I have said this on this board many times and I suggest it is something you may want to adopt for a mind set for yourself...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! Additionally, it may sound corny, but honestly I wake up everyday and will typically say "It's time to go make a difference" to myself out loud. Self talk is important in building internal validation.

Cheers and all the best to you!

-SC-

[DisheartenedGuy]

It is a horrible idea. Ive done it. You learn the truth. It is ugly and painful. For me it is way better not to know.