bpd outbursts - do i take the seriously

[bpdwife1000]

my husband has these bpd outbursts.

so in the last one - I was blamed for his bpd and blamed that we can't have a relationship because i'm aggressive.
his examples was me telling the kids to help out.
(not very good examples)     I'm not saying it as bad as he said it and all the things he blamed me for - but because of this he is repulsed by me - and his comments were extremely hurtful and i'm crying for a few days and not sleeping over it.

now i know from he past he has these outbursts and he move on   - and then i do with a little rip in my heart. (i don't forget them)

now i feel like the rip is larger and almost too big to heal.

he is doing dbt now but I don't see improvement.

I don't know how to get by this  - I have been giving him unconditional love and he is repulsed by me for something little - he expects perfection from me - i'm never allowed to be stressed or overwhelmed.

I don't know how much more my heart  can  handle.

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[bpdwife1000]

I also realized I forgot to write this
how do I know what the real him is?
Is he the nice person that is sometimes loving to me?

or does he really hate me and despise me as he tells me now?

it's so confusing to be in a relationship like this

I try to always be loving and caring giving unconditional love - but I don't now how long I can continue that

[Face of Melinda]

Hello! I can relate. There's a quote I like, "Love cannot endure without some measure of justice" I think those outbursts can be pretty traumatic... I've been through some unforgettable ones and they seem to be launched when I'm most vulnerable... Especially when I'm trying to enjoy a special day or celebration. I don't think people with BPD really perceive what they truly need, and what's in their best interest given reality so I tend to look more at the actions than at the words. What if you're just a mirror he's projecting on and it's not even about you? How long can it go on? I don't know but people aren't endlessly resilient. There's always a tipping point that you reach.

[bpdwife1000]

but what's the real him?

is he really disgusted with me as he mirrors when he's in these moods?  or does he care about me as he says other times

or is that just a 2 year old tantrum?

It makes me on alert as who knows when the next one will be?

[paperinkart]

but what's the real him?

is he really disgusted with me as he mirrors when he's in these moods?  or does he care about me as he says other times

or is that just a 2 year old tantrum?

It makes me on alert as who knows when the next one will be?

Hmmm I struggle with who the “real” him is in my partner too. I have to believe (for my own sanity), that the “good” him is the “real” him and the outbursts are BPD. I know deep down he doesn’t want to be acting or feeling this way. It must be so difficult to have such extreme emotions all the time. However, we do need to remember that to them, these feelings are very real. It might be the real him during his outburst because in that moment, he believes that everything he is thinking about you is true. He’s so wrapped up in his own emotions that he can’t use logic or reasoning to recognize his BPD outbursts. And at the same time, everything GOOD that he thinks about you is also true. The sweet and kind moments are genuine because that’s also who he is in that moment.

So I guess to answer your question, it is the real him and it isn’t. BPD puts on a mask but in that moment, it is very real to them. We can use our logic to see beyond that and know that it is BPD. They often can’t use that same logic to see beyond what they are thinking and feeling in that moment...I hope that made some sense...

I’m sorry for the tears in your heart. I have them too and know how difficult it is to “forgive and forget”. We’re all in this together!

[Face of Melinda]

There's a psychologist who says all couples in long-term relationships build up a negative image of their partner and have an idealized one from when they fell in love or the qualities they admire most or something... He calls it the negative core image. So I think when he's having an outburst he's caught up in that negative picture which is distorted... And at other times he isn't seeing you through that lens. But obviously many couples divorce when that negative core image becomes the dominant lens they see the other person through...

[bpdwife1000]

but to I take seriously what he says during his bpd outbursts? (which can last for days)

and he never apologizes or anything so i'm just left feeling so bad myself

[once removed]

people with bpd traits over express themselves. they speak in extremes. youre the best person in the world, or the worst.

for your own psychological benefit, and for that of the relationship, you dont want to take either too seriously. the truth is somewhere in between. and the "real" him is somewhere in between, but the reality is that he sees, feels, and expresses in extremes.

but put yourself in the shoes of someone who is blowing things out of proportion - weve all been there. weve all screamed at or gone off on somebody. but somewhere, deep down, theres something valid about what we are over reacting to.

in the same way, although your loved one sees, feels, and expresses himself in extremes, there is something deep down that hes just not doing a great job at communicating, and learning to sort of suss that out can really help.

how long has he been in dbt?

[bpdwife1000]

he's in dbt for about 2 months

now  he is in a ok mood - but i'm walking on eggshells to the next outburst.
(and still hurting from the things he said -- I don't want to live with someone who is repulsed by me and all the other really nasty things he said and things he blamed on me)

[once removed]

he's in dbt for about 2 months

getting into therapy, and recovery, are hard roads. there may be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, so to speak, but its no cakewalk. expect volatility.

this is written for parents of a BPD child, but it can give you a very good idea of what to expect, and how to navigate: https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

now  he is in a ok mood - but i'm walking on eggshells to the next outburst.

thats no way to live.

there will be another outburst; just as surely as there will be another thunderstorm, another tornado, another blizzard, another hurricane.

you love a difficult person. "storms" are inevitable, just as they are in life. in life, you dont walk on eggshells waiting for the next thunderstorm. but you do learn about the thunderstorm. you prepare for the thunderstorm. and you build a foundation that can weather the thunderstorm.

(and still hurting from the things he said -- I don't want to live with someone who is repulsed by me and all the other really nasty things he said and things he blamed on me)

our loved ones have a unique ability to say hurtful things, no doubt. likewise, they have an ability to put us on a pedestal.

the key, as hard as it is, is to learn to see extreme emotions and verbalizations for what they are. you asked, in the title of your thread "do i take them seriously". the answer is you take them with a grain of salt. but you learn, over time, to depersonalize the over the top hurtful things, or the over the top loving things, and find the grain of truth.