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Author Topic: Divorce is so hard  (Read 687 times)
Pemi23

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10


« on: March 29, 2020, 02:55:46 PM »

It’s crazy when you love someone but can’t live with them. The turbulence is so bad that it sends a wave of negative energy though my whole house. I know my kids deserve better.  But then why do I always stay? Time after time I told myself I should leave, but then I always stay. It is part of it could be from love, but I don’t really think there’s much of that anymore. I think I’m afraid of the divorce process, and I’m afraid of how he’ll react during it, and I’m also afraid of missing person he is when he’s healthy. And that person is real and that’s the person I married. but the person always disappears so Mr. Hyde can come out. But then he becomes Dr. Jekyll again.. I don’t know what to do. Anybody have any advice?
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 15536


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2020, 04:49:48 PM »

Many members here were where you are now.  We tried and tried and tried to make it work.  And failed.  We were reluctant, yes fearful, to venture into the unknown... the divorce, the future.  You will notice among all our posts, we don't regret doing what we finally admitted was what we had to do.  Not our choice, but the reality.

Peer support is invaluable.  It complements our local resources, trusted family and friends, insightful counselors and experienced proactive family law attorneys.  They have a range of skills, from abysmal to excellent.  We are a good sounding board to help you and the children along a path to a "less bad" life.  We have a huge assortment of time tested strategies, collectively we know what usually works best and what usually doesn't work.  Our perspective is especially important since lawyers and counselors have different levels of expertise and experience.  For example, William Eddy advises in his SPLITTING handbook that our cases tend to be more complicated than typical divorces and take longer due to the delays, allegations and opposition dealing with a determined obstructive spouse and therefore we need a proactive and experienced lawyer who can handle all aspects of negotiations, hearings and even trial.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2020, 04:55:42 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

MeandThee29
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 764


« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2020, 09:54:55 AM »

It will probably be the hardest chapter of your life. Mine was, and I had an outstanding attorney.

But the mental health on the other side? Priceless. I do computer work for our mutual therapist, and every time she sees me she tells me that she truly thought he was going to break me one way or another. I also found out that my kids feared for me.
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worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 846


« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2020, 02:08:25 PM »

Have you thought about getting a therapist?  I had one when I was in the process of divorcing, and it was invaluable.  (I have one again now, too, because it's good to get a mental health tuneup sometimes.)

If you're truly conflicted about whether divorce is the right option for you, then a therapist can help you sort through your feelings to determine the best path for yourself and your family.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11301



« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2020, 02:37:20 PM »

why do I always stay?

When I stayed it was due to:

1) fear of what would happen during divorce (also ignorance about divorce in general)
2) a sort of chronic long-shot hope that I could fix him, if only xyz
3) an unconscious preference to complain about him vs work on me
4) ignorance about emotions, what emotional health really was (for me and my son)
5) financial uncertainty, wondering if I was too old to meet someone else, future worries, etc.

It's a bit of a hero's journey to divorce a person with severe pathology. You have to grow.

And that's often painful.

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Breathe.
Sluggo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced 2 yrs/ separated 4 / Married 18 yrs
Posts: 475



« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2020, 09:56:26 PM »

The divorce was the most painful experience I have ever had.  So hard.

 But now looking back 4 yrs separated and 9 months since final decision.  I am myself again.  I am not scared to come home, enjoy playing with kids, and look people in the eye again.  My friends from childhood say... "you are like your old self now'.  I was an empty shell of a person near the final years. 

I too can remember those feelings you have.  The harder decision for me was to do something different.  I did and I have learned so much about my part in the dysfunction. 
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