Help for my daughter (15)

[daddyneedshelp]

Hello.
I am new here.  This is my first post.
My daughter is 15.  It has been a hard hard hard year.  I am a single dad.  Her mother was toxic and abusive and walked out on both of them when she was 7.   It has been just the three of us for a very long time, and though it was a challenge with my employment, we made it work.  Those were the best times of my life!
The children would talk to their mother once or twice a week for 5 minutes and that was all.  The saw her for a week during Xmas and 5 weeks during the summer.  In 2016 the mother pulled a stunt and the Courts stated that she could only have supervised visitation.  She has not tried to see her children since. 
The X always favored my son and it was very noticeable.  A little over a year ago my son (age 11 at the time) stated he no longer wanted to talk to her and cut her off.  My X was furious and blamed me.  She would speak to our daughter to try to get her to convince her little brother to speak with her.  But he chose not to.  After a few months, the X started to give attention to our daughter.  They started to speak more and more, and my daughter's attitude started to change.   Then my daughter announced that she wanted to live with her mother.  I told her that that was not an option.  Her mother then told her that I was abusive and that is why she had to leave.  That was not true but my daughter wanted to - needed to - believe it.  She always felt hurt that her mother left her.  No matter how many times I told her it was not her fault and that it was mommy's loss for missing out on the both of them, my daughter was still hurt.  My daughter and son witnessed their mother hitting me, spitting on me, cursing me.  They saw their mother drag my mother (83 Years old at the time) into the street and threaten to kill her.  They saw all of this…. but yet, my daughter has chosen to dismiss it all – and put a target on me. 
For the past 9 months, my daughter's grades have gone from A/B with the occasional C to D's and F's.  She is completely untrustworthy and began to sneak off with boys.  She is aggressive, lies and is disrespectful.  My Cousin is a therapist and stated that I need to get her into a residential program.  Her therapist agreed.  I sent her to a program and they stated she has every symptom for BPD. I brought her home after 3 weeks. Corona hit so all PHP’s and IOP’s are stopped.  She is cursing at me and telling me that I am the cause for her mother leaving.  I am the devil.  I should die.  I cannot stop her from speaking to her mother but everything she learns from the Psychiatrist and her therapist is undone in 1 call.  “There is nothing wrong with you baby, it’s your father – he’s the sick one that needs help.” I know my daughter is in pain but my home has become a war zone.  If she were to live with her mother than she would be lost and in prison within 2 years. 
The mother lives with a drug dealer.  Neither the mother or the mother’s boyfriend have morals or ethics.  She is pathological and after reading up on BPD, I realized that the mother may have it as well.  The mother’s sisters all have psychological disorders (diagnosed), her mother’s mother was institutionalized and her mother’s father was an addict and an abuser.  I don’t know what to do anymore. 
There are times when I just feel like giving up.  I do not know this little girl upstairs.  I do not know who she is.  I just want my daughter back.  My daughter from a year ago.  Just a year ago…  I love her dearly and miss my little girl.  I know she is lost and I am trying to help her find her way home, but I am so broken.  I know this affecting her little brother tremendously.  I live with my Fiance and her three children and they are all suffering.  I do not know what to do.  How to handle this.  How can the help I am giving her is undone with every call?  It is insanity. 
Please give me some advice on what to do?  Please, someone, say it will get better.  Please. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh, Daddyneedshelp, my heart goes out to you!

I can only imagine what life is like in your household with this troubled 15-yr-old who is the cause of so much upheaval/drama.  She certainly is not a good role-model to the other children in your home...an extra worry..

Our daughter, at age 12, started to run away...and that at a time when teenagers in our area were becoming victims of who  turned out to be a serial killer.  I still remember the feeling of fear that overtook my husband and I each time she just didn't come home.

We then, like you now, knew the dangers that lurked outside the boundaries of our care...our loving home.  We did the best we could to rein her in but, other than tying her to the bed post (of course never!), she found ways to leave.

Indeed, there is even more cause for concern of safety during these different times.  The worry for all parents is how to safe-guard their children...how to safe-guard those who are head-strong and rebelling like your daughter.

You know in your heart, Daddyneedshelp, that there is no magic button to push to make things all better.  You are going to be doing the best you can with her, setting boundaries you hope will contain her...but they might not.  If my math is correct, besides her, there are 6 others in your house...all just as important as her.

I am certainly not telling you to cut her loose!  What I am trying to convey is that you are going to be doing all in your power to calm her down and keep her safe... but if the inevitable happens and she bolts, you have to work hard on not burdening yourself with guilt.

Meanwhile, I strongly urge you to continue on here...keep posting.  Post as much or as little as you see fit...post at any time 24/7.  What you need now is validation and the knowledge that, while each of our situations are unique, you are not alone in what is happening in your family.  You will find that support here...might even hit upon something that helps turn the tide...or be able to pass along helpful information, support, to someone else who is in need.

Our daughter is now 54 so that lets you know that I am more well-advanced in age than you.  I hope you don't cringe when you read that...thinking of how many years ahead there could be for you on this roller-coaster ride.   Our daughter is still a source of heartache for us...heartache but not the destruction of us.   (True, unlike you, we are no longer worrying about a young child.)  When we were first thrown into this uncharted territory of dealing with our teenager who exhibited what we now feel are BPD behaviours, there was little/no information to help us...no support.   Times have changed.

Hand it to those Brits who, during one of their most challenging times in history, coined the phrase..."Keep Calm...Carry On!"  Easier said than done...but a mantra that might just help each of us in these difficult/different times.

((HUGS)…..from Huat

[BenFranklin]

Pardner,
Sorry to hear this, I've been there.  My first daughter started this at 15, we thought it was about drugs. Never could get her the help she needed.  After she had 3 kids and many trials, the court took them from her care and my exe and I adopted them, we learned that she was diagnosed as BPD. Fast forward to today, my youngest- not quite 15 is just now home from treatment facility(6 months) and doing pretty well so far. Bottom line, I think things are better for these kids than they were 20 years ago.
I'll never give up and I'll always ask for better ways to help my kids. please, keep trying, I won't promise it'll get better, but I'll hope. If I can be of help you may PM me.
bill