I hope I'm done recycling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Recently things have been so rough. Just no help at all with raising our two kids and I can't figure out how he can distance himself that way from them... Or from me. We're both really done with recycles. He tells me, It just isn't working... And I think well why didn't you pitch in and be present with us and then it would work... But he feels so put-upon to do for us or to spend time with us. I ask myself, is it that, He's just not that into you? Because he used to love me. Or is he just so self-absorbed that none of his behaviors has anything to do with us(?) He's become very specific on his preferences and he can't tolerate topics of conversation that aren't his narrow focus or places or activities or music. It's like here are these three areas I can lecture you on or teach or I can deign to show up for and that's it. And he was different 14 years ago when we got married. It's been an awful 14 years and we both know we have to move on but I'm still so confused... Why weren't we enough? Why am I so arrogant to think he should love me? Its really if I analyze it that he wants to go back to his home country and he's just finding fault with everyone and everything here. I'm just a donkey standing in his way between what he really wants (to go home)... I guess... Do I just let go of trying to understand him?

[Face of Melinda]

Recently things have been so rough. Just no help at all with raising our two kids and I can't figure out how he can distance himself that way from them... Or from me. We're both really done with recycles. He tells me, It just isn't working... And I think well why didn't you pitch in and be present with us and then it would work... But he feels so put-upon to do for us or to spend time with us. I ask myself, is it that, He's just not that into you? Because he used to love me. Or is he just so self-absorbed that none of his behaviors has anything to do with us(?) He's become very specific on his preferences and he can't tolerate topics of conversation that aren't his narrow focus or places or activities or music. It's like here are these three areas I can lecture you on or teach or I can deign to show up for and that's it. And he was different 14 years ago when we got married. It's been an awful 14 years and we both know we have to move on but I'm still so confused... Why weren't we enough? Why am I so arrogant to think he should love me? Its really if I analyze it that he wants to go back to his home country and he's just finding fault with everyone and everything here. I'm just a donkey standing in his way between what he really wants (to go home)... I guess... Do I just let go of trying to understand him?

[once removed]

Do I just let go of trying to understand him?

no. but invest in trying to understand where this relationship is at, where its likely to go, what it will take to rebuild or walk away, and where your heart is in all of it.

if youre done, be done; make that hard choice, do the hard things it will take to Detach. dont leave it to him.

multiple make up/breakup cycles, over time, do more and more damage to a relationship. its not going to get better, only worse, without radically changing something.

[Face of Melinda]

Well I think we are done with each other mutually. I passed the five day mark where I usually in past fights get lonely and start trying to forgive and forget. I think we'll just wait out this pandemic and then figure out housing situation. Its hard to hear him on the phone day and night with people he's trying to launch a business with because he apparently still has a friendly nice guy in there if he wants to pull that out... I'm in love with a phantom that isn't there anymore, at least with me. I figured out that I don't resent doing for him; cooking for him or buying stuff, whatever. I resent that he doesn't do for me... But I'm doing great. I'm not moping around, I'm able to enjoy our kids, I'm not stuck in a depression; I'll just deal with this situation and Move Forward!

[Face of Melinda]

I've made some progress. We haven't slept together or had any emotional discussions for a few weeks now. We're in the house quarantined but we're staying out of each other's way. He talks night and day on the phone in the office and texts as far as I know all people in his country of origin. It was making me sad hearing his tone of voice when he hasn't used a warm friendly tone with me in years. I wonder what on earth he talks about... He rarely talks with me other than to rant about being victimized by his bills or a client. I finally realized that he's getting his "narcissistic supply" by all that talk and that it's nothing personal. He just felt he wasn't getting enough from me and that's probably what he meant by our relationship "isn't working" and has never worked. He did love me in his way, he supported me in his way and if he could have made money in his career we'd probably have made it but he's so angry with his failures and he projects that into me.
I had a cry today I'm so lonely and bored. I've spent this whole month with my kids, just the three of us, and I need adult company. But it's okay I see where my life has been and where it needs to go. I never left before because I was scared to leave my kids with their Dad alone on visits. Not for physical violence or anything but he can weaponize his withdrawal, criticism, and neglect. He may just go back to his country at this point. I'm waiting the quarantine out and then I'll get up my courage to really separate. I can't picture him packing up his stuff to leave or even to take a decision. I don't know how that part will go but most  likely he'll take off and then I'll have to pack his stuff and arrange for shipping.