uBPD Mom has decided she and Dad are going to die from pandemic

[todayistheday]

She's not doing anything to cause it that I know of.
She is OCD and has always been uber-clean.  Her garage and back of her house are practically "clean rooms".  She goes as far as making all mail stay in the garage for 24-48 hours before opening it and sanitizing after picking it up. 

She is in her 80s, and Dad is  a little older.  She says  "when we get this we are both going to die.  She finds it inevitable."  I don't know how to to answer her, so I just do the phone version of a nod which is saying "uh-huh".

[Panda39]

Maybe just validate her feelings of being scared. Talk to her about what she can do or is doing to protect herself already. You can't fix this or change her feelings it is so out of everyone's control.  I have a mom over 80 she's scared too.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[braveSun]

Yes.
I hear you. Your mom has this idea that she will die and so she does a few more things to keep clean and keep the virus at bay.

First I understand how this can be upsetting. We as 'young' people in our 40s or 50s or even 60s might not understand the motivations of people in their 80s in these times of high uncertainty and 'novelty'.

It may take us a few more decades of our own life experience to get to this, so maybe we might learn in this particular moment to worry less.

Maybe your mom is having behaviors which seem extreme at the moment. And of course she will. Statistics of her demographics are saying she will have a very hard time to get through this if she gets it.

What I would say to you is this: how do you feel about this overall situation we're in right now? I mean not your feelings about how your mother reacts. That, yes, but go beyond. I mean your own feelings about the unknown. About what to do next? And if you know at all what will make a real difference in keeping the best health possible.

I don't think we know. We have instructions from scientists. They in turn don't know the answers we need to know.

It's a try and wait and see situation.

About your mom. You can expect her to have behaviors out of the normative. How is that make you feel?

These are important questions for us nons, because if we are to continue living this life, we need to know what motivate us most.

Take care!

Let yourself having a bit of a break.
There is more to come anytime.

Brave

[Methuen]

She says  "when we get this we are both going to die.  She finds it inevitable."  I don't know how to to answer

Oh dear.  When my mom says stuff like this it always catches me off guard, and my brain kind of "freezes" and I can't think straight.

As someone else said, I think the best approach is to meet her at her emotional level, and so validate her feelings.  I think BPD's tend to exaggerate to the negative (my mom has always been like this), so people mom knows are always at death's doorstep.  They never die when she says they will.

So maybe something like:  "These are scary times with Covid 19.  It is a good time for everyone to take reasonable precautions and stay safe.  I think lots of people are worried like you are."  

Maybe a validating question such as "What are you and dad doing to stay safe these days?" even if you already know the answer (since she's already a clean freak).  But asking the question may elicit several answers, which may give her a feeling of control, which could be helpful.

My uBPD mom is 83 and scared too.  So are all her friends.  All of them have health conditions which compromise them.  They are all self-isolating.  

These are scary times.  

I just do the phone version of a nod which is saying "uh-huh".

Especially when she catches you off-guard, right?  But I would be careful against validating her fear that she is going to die.  Validating the feeling of "fear" of an invisible enemy, is different than validating the belief that her life is about to end.  I think we are all a little fearful these days.

On a happier note, there are actually cases of a 99 year old and 101 year old (and others) who survived coronavirus.  I wouldn't tell her that as it would invalidate her fear, and right now it's most important to validate her.  If she accepts the validation and settles her emotion in a few days or a week, maybe she could "discover" those news stories on her own later.  Regardless, it's kind of nice for the rest of us to hear those stories too.