Verbal Abuse in Text Messages

[Michael43]

My wife w/BPD has been refusing to get out of bed to help my daughter with schoolwork since her school is currently closed.  I now have come up with a schedule with her to help in the afternoon since she refuses to get moving before noon.

During our discussion I noticed my wife had sent me a text message that included SHOUTING, and repeatedly called me an "asshole", "dumb," "dickhead," and said I should "get off my high horse."  I have of course saved the text messages and sent it to my email to save forever.

I need some clarification on things.
1.  Would this be called verbal abuse?  I think so, but just want some more information.
2. I think I will call her on her behavior.  I will let her know that I will not tolerate verbal abuse. Normally in a conversation I would leave, but that is not possible by text.  I will let her know that future messages like this would require a meeting with a pastor (and possibly a meeting with a lawyer...but she may find out about that part later).  I have generally found couple's counseling not to be useful with her since she just either shuts down or is fully in blame mode.  We tried couple's counseling a couple of years ago and I found it to be not helpful.

I think this would be different if it were an oral conversation, because I could just leave.  But with a text you can't do that.

[formflier]

1.  Would this be called verbal abuse?  I think so, but just want some more information.

It's likely some sort of abusive communication (name calling).

What benefit do you imagine from properly labeling it?

2. I think I will call her on her behavior.

What possible good will come of this?

What is the likely outcome?

What if you didn't respond at all?

  I will let her know that future messages like this would require a meeting with a pastor (and possibly a meeting with a lawyer...but she may find out about that part later). 

Typically "drawing a line in the sand" is like waving a red cape at a bull (analogy to pwBPD). 

Have you ever made ultimatums like this before and if so how did it work out?

  But with a text you can't do that.

Why not?  Perhaps I'm missing something but text is easier to "walk away from"...isn't it?

Best,

FF

[DisheartenedGuy]

I think Michael means he cant walk away from a text, because he saves them torever and continually re-visits them.  I do this, too, in a futile effort to prove to myself that i am right, and that she is the one with the problem.  In reality, this behavior simply makes us cling to our BPD partners more, and makes us try even harder.

Ultimatums are a disaster.  And i see you making passive aggressive divorce threats.  You want someone to tell you, "no, dont get divorced, you can work it out. Keep trying." You are seeking hope, even just the slightest bit of hope, to make this all more tolerable.  The problem is, we will continue to be disappointed.  She will never have that "a ha" moment and finally 'get it.' Essentially we are self-inflicted emotional masochists, disguised in our brain as empathetic kind-hearted souls.

[Michael43]

I have decided not to respond to her text or comment on it.  If it does happen again in the future I will say something like, "I consider your language to be verbally abusive.  So, I will not read or respond to your texts for the next four days."

I will look into having either a couples or personal counseling session with my Pastor.  I also am meeting with a lawyer to understand my options.  I also want to understand my options if the verbal abuse becomes physical.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Michael,

I am sorry you find yourself here and dealing with these text assaults.

This has been one of the main ways my uBPDH has attacked me recently. I have gotten onslaughts of text messages with some of the most vile attacks I could ever (or never) imagine. My H has sent written messages so long you have to click into the message to see the whole thing. I have never gotten a text like that from anyone ever.

He also has these messages saved somewhere on his phone so he can just copy and paste them when he wants to attack.

I also have copied them into an email to myself. My H realizes after that he was out of control and tells me to delete the messages — he does NOT think he’s wrong about the content.  So, when this became recurring, I just decided I needed to keep a record of his behavior.

I do NOT go back and look at them.   Cannot think of one good reason to. But, if I accidentally stumble on one, I am shocked all over again.

I no longer acknowledge the text messages, much like I set a boundary that I will no longer discuss certain topics in person. Once those boundaries were set, I believe the text assaults escalated. He was forcing me to “discuss”. I just don’t respond.

As FF has often told me to “dip my toe in to see if he’s at baseline”.  If he is, I may just go about business as usual. If not, just keep my distance. But either way, I never acknowledge the rage text message. (I used to call him and practically beg him to stop or sometimes send a reply (nasty back or pleading) — neither worked and unbeknownst to me at the time, I was actually just reinforcing the behavior).

I am a work in progress and feel very much like pieces of me are all over the place so I’m not saying this works (what I want to work = H changes his behavior), but it has given me some peace and a bit of “control” of my situation.

So, two things. First, I think I understood your question is because of the fact that leaving an in person conversation is a KNOWN boundary/response your wife CAN SEE, how, if you don’t respond to a text, will she “see” that as a boundary?

Hope I got that right.  This was something I couldn’t understand when I sought help for the text rages. Thing is, for me, it doesn’t matter if my H can see it — I feel it. Ultimately I think he learns that he won’t get a response so he is not filling that need. He’ll stop. Now my H feels my refusal is a form of ultimatum and he does NOT tolerate ultimatums, so he says he’ll just leave me. This is scary to me, but sometimes daydreaming about the peace of this sounds good, too, and is ultimately  just another attempt to control me. 

And, FF will tell you time and again, that boundaries are for you and that you can’t control her response/reaction, you can only control yourself.

My thought would be to not respond to the texts.  Save a copy. Don’t read it. And, when she seems back to baseline, maybe you could try to state your boundary of not replying to these messages.

What do you think?

I hope FF will chime back in...he has been incredibly helpful in my journey and, just to be clear, I am still working on all of this myself, so simply sharing my experience.

Please stay in touch.

[formflier]

  "I consider your language to be verbally abusive.  So, I will not read or respond to your texts for the next four days."

Interesting...why not 3.5 days or 2.2 weeks?

Help me understand the goal of your communication?

It's unlikely that your pwBPD "thought through" what they communicated to you.  Very likely "in the moment". (you are a blank head...etc etc)

You are blessed to have the time to think through your response for next time and whether or not that response takes your relationship to a more or less stable place.

Best,

FF

[Jetta]

My H has sent written messages so long you have to click into the message to see the whole thing. I have never gotten a text like that from anyone ever.

Mine does that too. He will rage-text me if he's mad about something. He shoots off one long text after another. I try to reply, but by the time I'm done, he's sent me one or two more long texts. When it's like that, and clear that he's not interested in actual discourse but wants to rage at me, I stop responding. If he wants to text like that, that's his choice, but I have better things to do than wear my fingers out in a pointless text argument.

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H, until the last few years (his thyroid medication?) called me every name in the book:  b*tch, c*nt, a$$hole, and--the most inventive--f*ckface.

What a real man to call his wife those names.

We sometimes have to see this as the BPD talking and not our spouses.  They are not right in the head.

I personally learned not to give the dignity of a response.  I would give silence.

Silence to like Kryptonite to the BPD or NPD.  In order for drama to occur, there has to be an audience.  Without the audience (the non) the anger and rage disappear.

[truthbeknown]

My uBPD H, until the last few years (his thyroid medication?) called me every name in the book:  b*tch, c*nt, a$$hole, and--the most inventive--f*ckface.

What a real man to call his wife those names.

We sometimes have to see this as the BPD talking and not our spouses.  They are not right in the head.

I personally learned not to give the dignity of a response.  I would give silence.

Silence to like Kryptonite to the BPD or NPD.  In order for drama to occur, there has to be an audience.  Without the audience (the non) the anger and rage disappear.

except in my case silence meant she hasn't contacted me in 4 months so silence doesn't always have a positive outcome.