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Author Topic: Re: COVID 19: I for one plan to keep some of this in my life.  (Read 428 times)
Enabler
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
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« on: March 30, 2020, 09:29:08 AM »

The number of people I have spoken to across my industry who have realised the joys of working from home because they're no longer forced to commute to London and instead forced to work from home. Men and women who are now able to exercise before work (I've enjoyed a 50 min walk through local fields, admittedly at 05:30 every morning, for the last 2 weeks), we're able to see our children all day whilst working. The best bit of all, we're proving it can be done, we can offer the same level of service as we did in the office... it's business as usual.

I for one plan to keep some of this in my life.

Find opportunity in crisis
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Skip
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2020, 07:14:25 PM »

Enabler, is your wife staying home with you or is she still out 50% of the time?

How are the two of you getting along being together more and with the stress?
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Enabler
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« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2020, 03:58:49 PM »

Enabler, is your wife staying home with you or is she still out 50% of the time?

How are the two of you getting along being together more and with the stress?

Hey Skip,

My daughter had a slight temp Thursday before last so my W unilaterally decided we were to go into self isolation for 2 weeks. So, apart from the daily walks we’ve been in the house 24/7 for the last 2 weeks. She’s goes in waves of contemptuous behaviour... always contemptuous but periodically venomous. My very existence is an invasion of her privacy (she continually eludes to this) and she has a massive problem with me being there. To make matters worse, I’m working on the kitchen table (large family room and large table is in the corner tucked out the way, but I have 3 screens and a laptop and I’m there from 06:30-17:00 (take the lot down every evening so we can use the table for evening meals). It’s the only obvious place to work other than a playroom which doesn’t even have a desk or worktop to put screens. I don’t mind plenty of noise, have music on (including her music), kids watch tv, I don’t care. I’m on probably 2-3 calls a day so I’m not very invasive.

I’ve been making a lot of the meals, cleaning and tidying up... what I do best. Kids LOVE me being there. She doesn’t complain about the practical help although doesn’t thank me either. It’s water off a ducks back and I’ve not risen to any of her huffing and puffing and general passive aggressive behaviour.

No talk of divorce, no using the time to progress discussions or talk about how we should ready the home for sale. I think there is an acceptance that nothing is going to change for 6m + as the world possibly normalises. There’s so much she could do to make things more pleasant and frankly it’s frustrating why she doesn’t given it feels like it could be soo easy. However, I’m sure this plays into her sense of being a victim, and I’m sure she’ll be telling anyone who will listen that it’s something I could have avoided had I have moved out when she gave me the ultimatum.

I told a work colleague about the journal I keep on my work computer and told him of anything “odd” happens, he should make sure the police see it. You never know and stranger things have happened in isolation! 

All is groovy though..

Enabler
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Fian
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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2020, 04:02:02 PM »

So, does this mean she can't see the OM for 2 weeks?  I think that would be a big deal for an affair.
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Enabler
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« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2020, 04:30:10 PM »

Correct although she goes for a 2hr wall most mornings so who knows... I actually suspect it’s just a walk and fits with form.

Their relationship was forged in WhatsApp and email anyway and sweet nothings and talk of mutual bondage can be very powerful anyway. Esther Perel said in her talks about infidelity that the kids you couldn’t have is often more powerful than the one you do...  I hope I quoted that correctly, she’s all over YouTube.

It might slow things down between the two of them and maybe even cool it for a while, but the more barriers between them the more they believe they’re destined to be together... but hey, that is what it is and I can’t influence that.
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Skip
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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2020, 07:28:11 PM »

Her passive aggressiveness is as much for her as it is for you - there is resentment and victimization... the two of you getting along is not part of that narrative. It's all very real for her. She is done.

I can't imagine how awful it is to have that in your home, day in and day out. It's all normalized at this point, but it is toxic.

I don't have any advice. Trying to please her or improve the situation is futile... it just makes you weak in her eyes. She wants you leave and she is making staying as uncomfortable as she can.

Hang in there. Don't chase any rainbows.

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Enabler
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« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2020, 02:45:05 AM »

Her passive aggressiveness is as much for her as it is for you - there is resentment and victimization... the two of you getting along is not part of that narrative. It's all very real for her. She is done.

I can totally see what you mean by it being for her. She made a big thing the other night when moving from our bedroom whilst on a call to a friend about "well it will be great when I finally don't have to do this and I can finally get some privacy". It felt very much for the audience especially since I'd not been anywhere near her for the previous 3 hours, and I was just going to bed. She's quite happy to make up her own cage bars.

It should be tougher than it is, and I'm pretty sure for many it would be intolerable... but I've gotten to the point where I find it quite comical. That's contemptuous in itself, but I find the whole thing so unnecessary and futile, and I've gone way way past the point of feeling sympathy for her (I might feel sympathy for her if it seemed she felt sad, but I struggle to feel sympathy for someone who is so angry albeit covertly). She's kept this up for soo long now it's gone past any reasonable point where I can fathom that someone should HAVE TO have some sense of dawning realisation, some flicker of self reflection to say to themselves "actually, what am I doing here, I'm being a colossal d!ck here".

I can see that it takes effort and imagination to maintain the narrative especially when I'm present and demonstrating 'non-demonic' behaviour all the time.

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empath
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« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2020, 02:46:35 AM »

Hmm. It seems to me that the ability to work from home might make it easier for you to be able to manage a 50/50 parenting schedule.

Excerpt
She's kept this up for soo long now it's gone past any reasonable point where I can fathom that someone should HAVE TO have some sense of dawning realisation, some flicker of self reflection to say to themselves "actually, what am I doing here, I'm being a colossal d!ck here".

My h explained that he didn't think he was a "bad person", so he couldn't accept responsibility for the "bad" things he had done that would only be done by a "bad person". Any discussion of the consequences of the "bad" things is also distressing. That all makes a world where one is a victim and mistreated preferable - no responsibility and no need to change.

I just think it takes way too much energy to maintain that kind of life.
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Enabler
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Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2020, 09:44:28 AM »

I just think it takes way too much energy to maintain that kind of life.

You and I both... I supposed I'd have to compare it to walking around with one eye shut... where one eye see's all the good things one does and the other see's all the bad things one does.

Everything seems to be a competition at the moment. If I make the dinner well and without any stress, I'm more conscious now that I sense that she see's it as a personal criticism.

Enabler
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