Coming Back Up For Air part 3

[babyducks]

So I never considered, but is my enjoyment of cooking/sharing creating a big issue for him? Is it why he can’t say what he wants for dinner? He’s been better with binary options as you previously suggested but not problem solving bigger picture ideas (like what to eat until next grocery store run and what current necessities are or forecasting based on pandemic).

I would suspect that he can't say what he wants for dinner because of diminished executive function, so common in this disorder.    that's why the binary options,.. either stew or spaghetti work better.

in my family there are some slightly abnormal food issues.   long back story.   not about amounts or availability.    more about how it was presented and distributed.        he seems more aggressive and adversarial at the dinner table.    I wonder if he has internalized that as a place of discord.   

it's been a real pleasure to converse with you UBH... even remotely.    I've enjoyed the conversation

'ducks

[I Am Redeemed]

I would suspect that he can't say what he wants for dinner because of diminished executive function, so common in this disorder.    that's why the binary options,.. either stew or spaghetti work better.

I agree with this. I would also add that other factors could include the lack of emotional maturity that is necessary to make adult decisions such as meal planning, and also the expectation that "love" means anticipating and meeting his needs/wants without him having to specify what they are.

"If you love me, you will know what I want/need and I wouldn't have to say it."

My ex did this. He did not want to be asked what he wanted for dinner. He expected me to take on the sole responsibility of meal planning and cooking, yet he also expected me to read his mind and make meals that he not only liked, but was "in the mood for". If I could not do this (which I couldn't, nobody can do that) he saw it as evidence that a) I didn't love him, b) I must be thinking about somebody else which was distracting me from figuring out his wants/needs, c) I was selfish and cared about no one but myself.

[formflier]

Perhaps one way to look at this is staying close to "neutral" is a good thing.

If you can get an idea of where he is at, be between him and "neutral" or zero.

If he is happy and giving you a 5 (on the 1-10 scale), you can give him happy back at a 2/3.

If he is happy and you are "mad"...that could be invalidating...vice versa as well.

So, if you aren't able to figure it out...pick neutral (vice getting "happiness" from cooking).

Staying "between" his position and neutral (if you can figure it out) can be helpful.

You have an awful lot of information we have dumped on you, let it marinate on your future plans and I bet you find some new "perspectives".

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Thank you all.

I am sorry to take a u-turn, this may be a new thread.

I am shaking.

He finally came down. I said hello and trying to come from a better place of understanding, I just put my hand on his shoulder. He writhed away as if I poured acid on him. He was like don’t do that. This is over.

I did terribly because he’s been in his own world so caught off guard that we were back at this.

He’s like we’re getting divorced and we’re over.

I asked one time for him to stop.  He didn’t so I left the room.

I sat in the family room and continued to watch my show. He followed and demanded the remote. I said I was watching my show but when it was done we could watch something else. He demanded it and I said no, I am watching this. He took another remote and turned just the tv off.  Then said never mind, turned it back on, threw his coffee all over the couch and wall, walked to other side of the room and broke a decoration. It was his so, oh well. 

Then he stormed back to our room.

What now?

I didn’t mean to escalate it. I really didn’t. I am so bad at this.

I did not think it was unreasonable to finish the show I was watching (like 20 mins) BUT I did say I wouldn’t make this boundary during pandemic, but I also felt that he was just being mean again and so why do I have to anything just because he wants me too if he’s leaving?

I feel like I’ve failed, again.

[formflier]

The "fight" is over...focus on self care.  Take a walk in your back yard. 

When you walk I want you to take long slow strides and match your breathing to the strides.  (I used to think this was BS, my psychologist insisted and...well...it works for me)

Stay away from catastrophizing!    Lean into deep breathing.

The world will look different in an hour.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

The "fight" is over...focus on self care.  Take a walk in your back yard. 

When you walk I want you to take long slow strides and match your breathing to the strides.  (I used to think this was BS, my psychologist insisted and...well...it works for me)

Stay away from catastrophizing!    Lean into deep breathing.

The world will look different in an hour.

I am disengaged and into self care and protecting the kids who see the evidence.

I honestly want the world to look different.

Hugs to you for the calm within the storm.