Will this be the last chapter?

[Face of Melinda]

This week 15 years ago we had our first date. It's been a pretty rough marriage... Very few happy memories but we've raised great kids. The kids have had good memories mainly without their dad and with my/ their friends. He rarely cared to join us. I had my reasons for wanting to stay for the kids but I think we're both done at this point. Weird to be stuck in the house together. We're staying in separate rooms and I'm just trying to stay in the present. There's lots to do between work, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, business, etc. He's in his own world and has been for a long time. I think he wants to leave and go back to his native country and we'll see if he does. I don't think he would get on a plane and fly right now due to pandemic. I said can we be friends and be civil during this quarantine until we can separate... He said don't expect anything from me. I guess I'm just clear that I'm tired of being the giver and he being the taker. It's like dragging a weight behind me... And he is the one who initiated this latest round of talking divorce just flying off the handle that our relationship just has never "worked". I can say I've worked my butt off so who knows what he means. It disturbs me more how he isolates from the kids. He used to be so engaged with them. I can't imagine what it would take to walk away from your own kids. I begged him two years ago to go home for 6 months and spend time with his dad who was dying and sort of find himself again but like all good be advice I've given him over the years it was spurned. He always seems to see the path years too late.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Face of Melinda]

I should say that after the kids go to bed we usually spend time together. He's been adult company for me and we often have good conversations. We used to get together sometimes during the workday and have lunch. But for the past year it's mostly been rants and just total negativity to the point that I don't try to arrange it. He's had a rough time with career and finances really for most of our marriage and that darkened his spirits a lot. Family outings are always stressful because of his need to control and ill-humor but at home he can range from normal/ loving to unbearable. I guess I'm writing this because I'm a bit depressed and I need to vent. I'm a person who needs affiliation with others and I feel isolated.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Melinda,

My situation is a mess right now so I’m definitely in no position to give advice. There are others here who will be able to chime in.

I understand your feelings and some of the confusing dual personality stuff. And wanting him to be different and engaged and other times just want him to disappear.

So while I can’t help you per se, just wanted you to know you are not alone and send some big virtual  your way.

Take care of yourself.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the difficult spot you're in.  Finding community here is a great way to break through the feelings of isolation.  Glad you've raised great kids.  It sounds like that's a good source of satisfaction in your life.  How old are they?  Tell us a little about them.

RC

[Face of Melinda]

Well it's been about a week since he said he is done and has been sleeping on the couch... I know as I analyze the situation that we shouldn't recycle again and again... I keep imagining him trying to talk to me (a fantasy) and I'm so deeply triggered at this point I would be as reactive as he is. Hopefully he won't broach any talks with me. When we were first married 14 years ago I had so much patience to seek to understand him and work on my triggers and I took classes to improve my ability to communicate. But I'm not there anymore I have too much anger built up within. I know now that no matter how urgently I want him to hear me, he's not going to take it in anyway so there's no point. Now I write out my thoughts and don't bother giving it or I will wait 24 hours and boil it all down to one clear non-combattive sentence. He did change during our marriage to stop raging out because I wouldn't tolerate it... He's leaving because he wants to go home and I'm getting used to the idea. I have even started imagining my life post-marriage. I have no illusions anymore that he'll ever be happy with me. And so even though I love him I can't be happy with an unhappy partner.  I have great kids and a good job but just maintaining that is a marathon and I could sure use more friends in my life. God sent me a little ray of hope 2 weeks ago because one of my best friends just moved back to town.

[juju2]

Hi.

there is a lot of pressure on you.
Raising kids isn't easy. 

I guess what I have finally seen about myself is whatever I focus on increases.
If I focus on how much my s.o. isn't doing, should do, does wrong, etc. It looks like it's all that.

Give yourself a break.  You are carrying a lot.  Nothing has to be done or decided right now.
I think giving space, pause, allow... and don't react.  Sometimes I think he is from another planet. 

Nothing he says or does, do I really have to react to.  It's a dance, or jump rope--- I
 can drop my rope.

I give myself space.  Nothing another person does or does not do, defines me.
It's my life.

My issues often are because I focus on what he is or isn't doing.  Those things I have no control o v e r.

I am a work in progress and I try to treat myself gently.