I Made a Mistake I Guess...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, with all that is going on in our world, I started feeling very guilty that I have been very LC with my mom. I was NC with her, but I told her she could email me if she needed something. I also emailed her to wish her a happy birthday a few days ago. This was a huge mistake on my part because she reacted by sending me a few strange and abusive emails, all blaming me for how her life is. She told me I'm incapable of love and a bunch of other really negative things. I realize that I need to accept who she is and not fall into the same mistakes by reaching back out to her. I am annoyed with myself because I was feeling very strongly about my decision to have NC with my mom. I know I need to trust my feelings and instincts, but that is a really hard thing for me to do still. I guess I just needed to vent about this. I hope everyone is safe and staying healthy.

[kma79]

So, with all that is going on in our world, I started feeling very guilty that I have been very LC with my mom. I was NC with her, but I told her she could email me if she needed something. I also emailed her to wish her a happy birthday a few days ago. This was a huge mistake on my part because she reacted by sending me a few strange and abusive emails, all blaming me for how her life is. She told me I'm incapable of love and a bunch of other really negative things. I realize that I need to accept who she is and not fall into the same mistakes by reaching back out to her. I am annoyed with myself because I was feeling very strongly about my decision to have NC with my mom. I know I need to trust my feelings and instincts, but that is a really hard thing for me to do still. I guess I just needed to vent about this. I hope everyone is safe and staying healthy.

[pursuingJoy]

thanks for sharing, kma79. Guilt is a tricky hurdle to overcome. Go easy on yourself. We all learn as we go!

Do you think reconnecting will create more challenges for you going forward? Do you feel at peace going back to NC?

Stay healthy. Sending virtual hugs your way.
pj

[kma79]

Thanks for your response PursuingJoy:-) I think I feel at peace with going back to NC. When I open up to her in any way, she starts the abuse up again right away. I just don’t think I’m ready to handle a relationship with her at this point. She can’t seem to stop her verbal abuse. It’s a sad situation when somebody pushes everybody away. I wish I could fully understand it.

[zachira]

Those of us who have family members with BPD often make similar mistakes to the one you are describing you made with your mother. We hold onto hope that they will treat us differently and better when we start to make contact with them again. It is especially painful when the person with BPD is our mother. We are here to support you and listen. I hope you are feeling less alone with some of the responses you are receiving.

[Methuen]

So, with all that is going on in our world, I started feeling very guilty that I have been very LC with my mom. I was NC with her, but I told her she could email me if she needed something. I also emailed her to wish her a happy birthday a few days ago. This was a huge mistake on my part because she reacted by sending me a few strange and abusive emails, all blaming me for how her life is.

I so get why you did this.  You did this because you are a good, kind, caring person, who tried to do the right thing by reaching out to your mom during Covid 19 - including a B-Day greeting.  This kind of good deed is what all good people are doing (reaching out to older people and parents) because we are all being reminded to take care of each other and the elderly during this Covid19 crisis.   So as her daughter, you only did what other people are also doing with their parents.  I don't see what you did as a "mistake".  However, I understand that it FEELS like a mistake, because she used your kindness to inflict more emotional pain on you.  But it wasn't your mistake...

Her response to your kind hearted olive branch was her choice.  I happen to think her response was the mistake.  Does that make sense?  It's kind of a shift in thinking.  You don't have to own "the mistake".  Her negative response to your kindness was her choice, therefore her mistake.  

I'm curious to know if you responded to her, or if you ignored her email?

IMHO, the strongest response you can give her, is no response at all.  Any reply will be a victory for her.  Silence will be the strongest statement possible.  She will be checking her email all the time, and you can choose to send a message by not responding at all.  That will probably drive her crazy, but that's not why you're doing it.  Not responding is a natural consequence for her inappropriate response.

You tried.  Instead of being upset with yourself for reaching out during Covid19, I encourage you to feel good about yourself for having tried to do the right thing.  She made the poor choice.  That is out of your control.  What is in your control now, is how you respond to her this time.

Would you want to consider setting up an email filter, to flag emails from her to go to your junkmail for a while?

I only suggest it as an option, in case you need some time to heal from this setback, and get back to baseline (if all this was a trigger for you).

You've got this imatter.  

[kma79]

Thanks so much Methuen and Zachira!

Methuen, that’s a much better way to think about it as being my mom’s mistake for responding to kindness with negativity. Good idea to not respond to her. I think she will definitely be waiting on a defensive response from me, and I won’t do it. I think I will flag her email address to spam for now. I feel like this last episode definitely was hard on me emotionally, so it will be a good idea for me to get back to feeling better. I get so badly triggered by any communication with her lately, so it’s probably best for me to just not read her emails at all. It’s a shame she shuts people out, but I’m sure she’ll find other people who will give her attention, at least until she breaks those relationships too. That’s her usual routine. Thanks again so much for the responses!