Violence and hospitalization again

[wavewatcher]

This morning dd25 tried to strangle me after sending threatening texts to kill me, kill herself. Took 4 police and a modified tasing to get her into handcuffs. She was still screaming and struggling so emt's called, gave her Ketamine and took her to the local hospital. Blood test showed high alcohol level as well as her rx drugs. She ended up having an allergic drug reaction from the K. and was life flighted to the nearest big hospital, in critical condition.  We were not allowed to go to her because of covid. Several hours later she's doing ok. There was no DE, no hold because they didn't know the sequence of events that brought her there. But because she came from a highly locked down town she is quarantined for at least 3 days, thankfully. It has been a nightmare. Finally, with the help of the police who were here the hospital got the story. Still not sure whether she will be released after quarantine, if the DE decides she's not a threat, which she could convince them of. H has been on the phone multiple times saying she tried to kill me, she's severely mentally ill with BPD/BPII. That she cannot come back here. She has called H several times to come get her and he told her she needs long-term inpatient tx for dual dx. Hopefully tomorrow when her head is clearer H will tell her she can't come back here.  It was so violent, so surreal. I am numb.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

WW,
We are here for you. Hang on, friend. Sending you a huge bear ((HUG). You are not alone. I’m praying for your family now.
Peacemom

[PeaceMom]

Wave,
 I’m absolutely no expert, but when my DS had a full manic break and threatened suicide we demanded the hospital keep him until he was “stable” then we said he couldn’t return home. The Social worker/case worker had to figure out where he could discharge to. If a 30 day or LT program isn’t an option then you can totally put the ball in social worker’s court. Your DD is an adult and you have no legal obligation to house her. (I’m sorry this may sound very blunt and uncaring, but now is the time to make a change)

Many hospitals discharge to half way houses or sober living houses. We found that when we did not jump in and offer solutions, the case worker/social worker did their job much better than when they thought we’d run up and get him and bring him right home. Again, I hope I’m not overstepping. I know you are exhausted and numb so I wanted to give you some hard won experience. Thinking of you tonight!

[Swimmy55]

Hi Wave,
 I echo Peacemom.  It is gut wrenching , terrifying to have your adult child spiral.  As you may know, I had to also put a restraining order in place at the same time of the Emergency Psych petition with my son.   

I next dropped off a brief history of my son's mental illness , previous hospitalizations, any meds, etc , in a folder to the psychiatrist on his case, the head nurse, and the social worker. ( In your case, maybe send an email or scan)  In this I also stated I was terrified of my son and afraid for my life thus the restraining order: he cannot come back to my house. A third option the hospital may come up with is an in- house 30 day rehab ( if hospital offers this and if adult child is amenable).
Maybe with the choices before her, she could possibly agree to treatment . You never can tell, but gently I say : For something to change, something has to change.
You really have to put the ball in their( social workers and adult child's) court.  The hardest part is coming to the full realization that my child could hurt/ kill me. Not that you are trying to press charges, but be aware she committed a criminal assault against you.   I am not trying to scare you or be harsh, but I know what it's like when my brain just shut down after my son's attack etc.  . We are here with you.

[PeaceMom]

Wave,
Not to overwhelm you anymore than need be, I wonder if there is a Domestic Abuse or Family Violence Advocate that you could call (would the police give you a helpline?). I know our local Criminal District Attorney’s office offers this resource. Having someone to take your hand and guide you might be critical. Swimmy has practical advice here, but I wish you had someone you could call. This is going to take incredible bravery on your part to decide that your safety and welfare are top priority and  your hands. One truth that I must share is that our sick adult children are more resilient than we think. We can and must do hard things. Propping you up from here!

[wavewatcher]

First of all, thank you, PM and Swimmy for supporting me during this horrible event. I so appreciate your shared ideas based upon your own experiences. 

I literally don't know how many times I've started to respond only to get the latest updates about circumstance and information changes, sometimes by the minute. The latest is her P is working hard to get her admitted to a hospital with a behavioral health facility or a rehab center with dual dx treatment for long-term care. Someplace that her insurance covers. I'm adamant that the primary focus is on her mental health and not secondary to her alcohol/drug use. Again, what a nightmare. But, that said, the positives:

I am safe. I am safe.
She is safe and will be getting the help she desperately needs.
We are getting a lot of support from the police, friends, her P, her insurance company.
It's a sunny day so I can walk outside. 
I will talk with my own T.

Thank you again, dear friends. Stay safe and well; I will keep you posted.  WW

[PeaceMom]

Oh WW,
I’m so pleased that you e got support. Real quick, sometimes you have play the game that it’s more drug addiction than MH. This is an insurance thing. Insurance happily pays for addiction, but slow to pay for MH. And honestly it’s co-occurring -chicken and egg thing. We’ve had DS admitted under “addiction” when we absolutely believed the MH issues were at the core.
Get out and soak in some vitamin D friend!

[wavewatcher]

Questions for you PM,
Was your DS at an addiction recovery center? Was it a dual-dx facility and if so, did you find that the treatment for his BPD/BP issues were addressed to the point that he made changes? 
Feeling a bit overwhelmed here. We want to find the place that's going to do her the most good that's in-network. Fortunately our insurance agent is an enormous help in calling for us- these places are not so likely to try and sell her the program.

Ok, going on that walk, finally!

[PeaceMom]

It must be “dual diagnosis” to teach them about MH. The downside of the MH piece is that it’s hard core medical model
(All about psych meds) but honestly right now your DD probably needs these meds to stabilize. As much as I hate psych meds and think broad changes are on the horizon, right now it’s key for helping the brain settle down. I would look for a program that really incorporates general wellness. My DS has done best with learning about holistic wellness. Some programs are better with offerings than others. Ask me any questions you may have!

[twocrazycats]

WW, I don't have any advice but am sending support and hugs. I hope she can get into a program that really helps her.
2CC

[wavewatcher]

Well, we are one neg covid test away from getting our DD25 into a good dual-diagnosis inpatient treatment center.  She is still in the general hospital in the city until she gets admitted somewhere. It has been an extraordinary journey that took most of the day with both H and I on our phones with different entities because we live in a very high covid-positive area and only 2 places were in-network with her insurance in the city. So we will know the test results in 2-3 days. They said they would fast-track it.

I'm exhausted, but hopeful. DD told H she doesn't remember any of her violence toward me, or her altercation with the police. I talked to her briefly and she sounded like a scared child. She knows she can't come back here.  To me, it's the beginning of better health for all of us. For too long she has controlled this family.  I will never allow that again, at least with me. H is another story.  But that too, must change, unless he wants to be her caregiver, on his own. Tough talk, but my own health and well-being is at stake.

I told H that after DD gets out of treatment (28 days) he may need to live with her for a few weeks in May to help her adjust to her new living situation. The rehab center has a great IOP mental health treatment program that she will need to attend for some time. Her brother will be moving to the city in June with friends and as long as he's there I think she will be alright. He's very willing to help, but not live with her. And we can visit.

I really hope through this that she can learn to like herself and recognize her strengths. To quit blaming others and especially me for everything negative in her life. To become independent again. She could probably transfer to the same grocery store chain there that she was working for here. She liked it.  But as we all know BPD has it's own agenda. 

One day at a time. I'm going to focus on the present, and take care of myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

WW,
You are in the right mindset for sure. Your health and well being are not an option, they are your #1 priority. For whatever reason you are your DD’s target when she’s in these altered, unstable states. Many of us moms get the worst of it from our pwBPD, but once physical violence shows up, it changes everything IMHO.

I was so exhausted after making these big decisions when DS was so ill that for about a week all I could do was basic eat, sleep and breathe.  My T told me that I was officially in full blown crisis mode so focus on basic critical self care skills. Then I was able to start formulating “next step” plans that made sense. I’m cheering you on from afar.

[Swimmy55]

Hi WW,
1. I am happy your daughter is agreeing to this wonderful opportunity for help!
2. Wonderful insight on your part regarding valuing your safety and sanity!  Continue to take care of you!