Feeling like I'm a horrible person

[guiltbattlehk]

I'm around a year older than my sister who I suspect may have BPD. I have grown up hearing from her constantly that I'm inconsiderate, a bag of trash, that no one else can see my true rotten self like she can, that I've never cared about her. I grew up with low self-esteem. I felt like I'm inauthentic when I'm being nice. For a while, I truly believed that she was the only person that could see through me, that I was rotten inside like she said. At the same time, I was so baffled when she wanted to live with me, hang out with me, that she'd get mad when I didn't spend time with her. "Why would she want to spend time with me if I'm such a bad person?" was among one of the things I asked myself.

I find it hard to remember certain memories from childhood, especially painful ones. I've learnt to forget sad and hurtful things super fast. I feel drawn to her approval and her happiness. I bend over back to make her happy. Now, I find myself inauthentic around her, always trying to resolve her problems, make her happy, be constantly cheerful and easy-going. I'm afraid I'll lose myself if I don't stand up for myself soon.

I'm glad I found this group.

[Methuen]

Hey welcome to the club.  We all probably felt like horrible people when we landed here.  The good news is you are not horrible.  In fact you're probably pretty awesome.  But you've probably, and unfortunately, been a little brainwashed by a person you care about (because you are a good person), and now maybe you are getting ready to learn more about BPD, learn some tools for how to manage a relationship with a pwBPD, start building your own sense of self ( follow and live by your own values) as well as self-confidence, and learn how to take better care of yourself ("self-care" because self-care is important and you are worth it).

We get it here.  Most of us arrive here kind of broken.  The community helps us put our humpty dumpty pieces back together again.  

Since you're a newbie, I'l just point out that there is an immense amount of info on this site, in addition to this support board.  If you haven't already found it, look under "how to get the most out of this site", and the "Community Built Knowledge Base Tools and Skills workshops".  There's a ton of super helpful info there, and so many validating stories and posts you will be able to relate to.   It's a first step in realizing you are not alone, and you are not a bad person!

[zachira]

We are glad you found this group. You are not alone in struggling with a sister with BPD. I too have a sister with BPD and have had similar experiences with my sister, and for most of my life I too was struggling with the feeling that I was a bad person. You are not a bad person. Indeed you are a good person who is trying to get to know yourself better and be more comfortable being who you are. Unfortunately, your sister like many people with BPD does not feel good about who she is, and tries to make you feel badly about yourself so she does not have to acknowledge how she feels inside. The best example, I can give you is how anger works. One person makes another angry so that person does not have to feel their own anger.
You are not alone and there are many people on this site who have similar problems with a sibling with BPD. Do keep us posted on how you are doing while taking time to read the educational posts here and the posts of other members who have a sibling with BPD. You are taking the steps to feel better, and I am glad you are starting to realize what a worthy person you are in your own right. Can you tell us more about some of the things that make you different from your sister and what makes you proud to be you?

[ProudDad12]

I find it hard to remember certain memories from childhood, especially painful ones. I've learnt to forget sad and hurtful things super fast. I feel drawn to her approval and her happiness. I bend over back to make her happy. Now, I find myself inauthentic around her, always trying to resolve her problems, make her happy, be constantly cheerful and easy-going. I'm afraid I'll lose myself if I don't stand up for myself soon.

I'm glad I found this group.

I can relate to pretty much every bit of that.

I'm no expert and still have a very long way to go on my own road, but the things your sister says and the way it makes you feel are all part of the dynamics and tactics (conscious or not) to keep status quo the way she comfortable. While I understand this struggle as much as anyone, you are not a horrible person for looking out for yourself and your own mental and emotional health. And the hardest thing you may do is give yourself permission to believe that, but it's true.

Keep posting on here and use the people and resources. They have helped me a lot and can help you too. And it definitely does not make you a horrible person!