At some point, she knew I saw through the mask

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303877.0

This is a very interesting thread and many answers are spot on.
Looking back, I am amazed at the amount of energy a pwBPD could pour into keeping their mask up, at least mine did.
If fact, she take care that nobody was around before going into rage mode, the way people, even stranger were seeing her was of capital importance, it was prioritied over everything.
At some point, she knew I saw through the mask so keeping it with me was not worth the effort anymore, she could freely unleash hell when we were in private.
I also think that's why she just totally removed me from her life, I saw the ugly truth, I was one of the few who had witnessed it, at this point I think it was better for her that I could disappear fron the face of earth.

[daze507]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303877.0

This is a very interesting thread and many answers are spot on.
Looking back, I am amazed at the amount of energy a pwBPD could pour into keeping their mask up, at least mine did.
If fact, she take care that nobody was around before going into rage mode, the way people, even stranger were seeing her was of capital importance, it was prioritied over everything.
At some point, she knew I saw through the mask so keeping it with me was not worth the effort anymore, she could freely unleash hell when we were in private.
I also think that's why she just totally removed me from her life, I saw the ugly truth, I was one of the few who had witnessed it, at this point I think it was better for her that I could disappear fron the face of earth.

[zachira]

Daze507,
You brought up a very valid point of view that I have never heard before which I think is very helpful to many of us: People with BPD pretend to be nice to the outside world while feeling inside tremendous shame about their bad behaviors being known to others, so sometimes the person with BPD will just disappear from the lives of the people who know them best because of the shame about how they behave in private. You also point out that it is a lot of work to keep up the mask; I have seen many meltdowns with my family members with BPD when being in close quarters with other family members just gets to be too much for them. I am in the process of realizing that keeping things on a very superficial level with people with BPD and other disordered individuals is one of the best ways to protect ourselves and them from their bad behaviors. Of course, in long term relationships with a significant other, it is very difficult to keep things superficial unless both partners are disordered and extremely comfortable with things being at a very superficial level all the time. I know couples and friendships where there seems to be no depth and just on the surface communication along with what seems like phony niceness. What seems to protect me the most from getting involved with disordered people these days, is to notice if the person is genuine, which means noticing many aspects of the person and not idealizing anybody from day one.

[daze507]

Indeed Zachira, I am quite sure that if we would have been involved in a friendship only, nothing of that would have happened. The levels of intimacy and the bond itself being much more deeper in a romantic relationship you can't keep the mask up for so long, she managed for a bit but the red flags started showing soon enough, more and more frequently with more and more intensity. She couldn't do it anymore at some point so she fully gave up and the discard process had initiated.

it is very difficult to keep things superficial unless both partners are disordered and extremely comfortable with things being at a very superficial level all the time

This is very interesting because you see, my ex was in a seven years relationship with an abusive NPD and only left because he almost killed her in the end. What is worth noticing is that she was applying with me the same standards she used to share with this guy and all of them were based on fakeness and appearances, from sex to gifts, it was all like a big roleplay, it's hard to explain. Everytime I did something genuinely, like offering my jacket when it was cold or opening the door for her she kind of went into panick mode saying "it's not normal, it's not nornal what you are doing!". On the other hand, when she told what she did with her ex I was like "what the heck" and what was normal for her was not for me.
Basically, I realized soon enough, even without knowing anything about BPD that she had not the same interpretation of a relationship as I had. Like you said for her it was all superficial, a game between two people, no more non less. When she realised that for me it was not a game at all she lost her mind, the funny thing is that she clearly loved and appreciated it but could not cope with it so she sabotaged it as best as she could.
This is why I know that the problem with her was so deep that I could have literally done nothing to fix it.
This is also why she erased me, she knows I know she is broken and this is absolutely unacceptable for her. It's so true she's moved away to the other side of the country, without any job secured, exactly when I congratulated her on her Linkedin for her new job (after two years of NC). She did not even answer. coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.