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Author Topic: Partner needs space  (Read 722 times)
Cjuk
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged
Posts: 2


« on: April 04, 2020, 05:34:22 AM »

Hi all,

First time posting here as I have only recently felt the need to look into advice for my own clarity for my partners BPD.

For context, we have been together for over two years now and she told me from get go that she has BPD which basically stem from childhood trauma. I put it aside and didn’t want to base her on something she cannot control. Our relationship has always been close and loving, and sometimes she can be very clingy and loving towards me.

She has always had problems which decision making and uncertainty around her feelings. She would find it hard to make a decision on what she wants to do or eat etc, when asked the question. She also has bad days where she feels down but doesn’t know why. I know now after reading into BPD that these can be attributed to it.

The reason I never previously looked into it before was because I felt it had never really affected our relationship, but I see now it has been with me not feeling like I couldn’t call her out on things because it would cause an outburst. This in turn lead me to give her the cold shoulder with me assuming she’d know why, I realise now that this was probably the worst thing for me to do in these situations.

Our relationship has been deteriorating the past few w months with her causing large arguments over small things when we would never previously of have. She has been to the doctor over this time and they prescribed anti depressants, she has also been dissociating the past few months, with the doctors thinking the reasons for her current feelings being due to unresolved emotions from an abortion we both decided to have in December.

A week ago it bubbled to a tipping point with all of these issues she hadn’t previously talked to me about coming at once. She says she is in pain and at herself and me. And that she needs space and time to heal and mend herself without me there. She has subsequently removed her engagement ring and photo of us together in Facebook. She’s also just been acting cold like a switch has been flicked and that she doesn’t care at all about me, with me obviously being in utter emotional turmoil. After reading into BPD I feel like she is splitting me which is going to ultimately lead to a break which would destroy me.

This past week I’ve been trying to talk to her about things, and how we could work this out. But am just greeted with “I told you I need space, you’re not respecting that” because we live together and the currently quarantine I’ve been still in the same house as her not being able to give her the space she says she wants. This has lead her staying over at her friends most nights.

She says she feels hatred, anger and love towards me. And that she doesn’t want to happen to us what’s happened to her in a previous relationship, and that she wants to heal herself.

I’m just at a loss with all of this. I’m going to be able to give her space for the next week as I have found somewhere to stay. But feel this might not be enough for her? The past week when she first asked for space I have been trying my best by staying out of her way and only talking when she wants to. But have also been messaging her more than I should of when she has gone out, as I just like to know where she was staying and if she was safe, which she has acted negatively towards and told me I’m smothering her, not giving her space and time to heal.

I was just trying to find clarity if anyone else had experienced anything similar. I feel like she has this intense emotion of pain from the abortion still and perceived abandonment from myself. But I can also she that she still loves me, I see her reasoning behind the space and that it might help her to miss me and come out of the current emotions. As I’m close with her friends and parents, they have mostly told her that we are a good match and at right for each other etc.  She says it won’t be a quick fix for her, but with me only being away for a few days, will this only get worse? And would she ever be able to heal and move past the emotions?
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2020, 02:14:28 AM »

hi Cjuk, and Welcome

first things first: experts will tell you that the thing you need most is a strong support group. it wont help you to navigate this alone. so im glad you reached out.

Excerpt
“I told you I need space, you’re not respecting that”

give her space. give her a huge amount of space. as hard as it may be right now, i wouldnt bring up the relationship, in any context.

Excerpt
Our relationship has been deteriorating the past few w months with her causing large arguments over small things

what were the arguments about?

Excerpt
I feel like she has this intense emotion of pain from the abortion still and perceived abandonment from myself

tell us more about this. what abortion, and when? why do you think she perceives abandonment from you?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Cjuk
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Relationship status: Engaged
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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2020, 12:33:04 AM »

Hi,

It has been tough this past week, and all I do is still think about her and how I can still try fix this mess.

I have given the most amount of space I have, and have even moved out for a few days during this quarantine and gone no contact. Although this is only brief and I’m going to have to go back tomorrow. I did bring the relationship a few time’s after, and she said that I’m smothering her trying to force “us” while she’s still trying to heal.

The arguments were about little things really, and sometimes she would bring up mine and my mothers relationship. Some days I felt like I was walking on eggshells or she had done something that had upset me and I’d be cold with her which in turn led her to feel alone I think. Even though at the time I didn’t mean it that way.

It was in December where we found out we were pregnant, she said she wanted to have an abortion as we weren’t ready. I didn’t try to fight this as I knew deep down it was the right call. She has since thrown this back at me and said I didn’t try to entertain the idea and she’s hurting and angry over what we did, she says I abandoned her when she needed me most as the day of the second tablet of the abortion I went to work after she told me to go because she had her friend there. This again was thrown back at me she says even though she said that she needed me there, I wanted to stay there but she told me to go and now punishes me for it, saying I left her when she needed me the most, and she can’t forgive me for it.

Since the argument and the many time’s she’s asked for space. She has taken off her engagement ring and changed the main profile picture from us to her on social media and her phone background. She said to me the only one who thinks we’re split up is me but is constantly pushing me away, she’s also been liking comments from other men calling her “fit” and it just leaves me at a loss. I have no clear answer or what’s going on and I need one.

I am going back tomorrow as I need to stop there a few days during this lockdown before I’d be able to go elsewhere. And I’m at loss at what to do, because the main part of me says we need an answer or if she stills wants to be with me or not.
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2020, 12:54:10 AM »

as hard as this can possibly be right now...

what your loved one needs most of all, in order to have a shot at reconciling this relationship, is to be and to feel heard.

its going to require that you put your personal feelings and hurts aside. put the goal of getting her back aside - at least in terms of pursuing it or wearing it on your sleeve.

there are significant, longstanding resentments here. shes communicating that she doesnt think you get it. and to some extent, whatever extent, she has grieved the relationship, assuming you dont get it. so the best, strongest message you can send is "i get it".

but you dont want to run in and yell "i get it" and tell her what the problems are.

giving her space is the primary thing she wants. giving that to her will show that youre listening. it will, ideally, give her the space to want to emotionally express herself. and when and if she does, its going to be a lot to swallow, a lot of it may be over the top, you may not know how to respond, and your inclination may either be to argue with it all, or plead guilty to it all.

dont do either. just listen.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
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juju2
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« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2020, 03:30:45 AM »

Hi cjuk.

my heart goes out to you.
I guess the tricky thing is to listen.
I have read on here that we can moderate, somehow not overreacting...
So you did what she asked, that time you went to work, and then that got thrown back...so it looks like you cannot do the right thing.
I think there is a clue there.
She tells you things, and then if you actually do what she asks and that is the wrong move, you are wrong.

I guess listening doesn't mean doing.
Sometimes I cannot do anything w what he says.  We are separated, and he has painted me black. (Not black all the time) And so I am in the position of if I listen to him and being painted black, the relationship will die.
So as I listen, I am listening.
And.  and so I find that I am the only one being for our relationship.
It's a long story, we are finding our way back.
I guess it's up to you.  How much do you want this relationship.
For me, it's like the movie The Notebook.  He pursues her, she makes him wrong.  He has to be strong and not act on what she is saying.  It's about being strong.

I say things like I am fighting for the relationship.  If I do 'x'  I hear it's the wrong thing. I try to never say the word 'you.'

I am going thru a time where nothing makes sense.  I would not act on anything that is said, as such.  It comes back on me.

I don't know if this helps you.

For me the only thing is to be strong.
Not run away.  Have you ever been around a wild horse.
They want to chase me away, do not run in any direction.  Do not back up. do not chase them.  After a time, of just being with this tension, something gives. Trust is being built.

This calls for a quiet peaceful strong calm space.
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